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To ask my 18 year old for board.

322 replies

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 16/02/2023 20:18

He earns 8-900 pounds a month and I've suggested he gives me £80 a week. Would make up for the £60 I will lose from child benefit. He's at College and due to go to University in September he's saved around £2000 for this already.

He is absolutely and completely fucking livid about this situation. Things are really, really tough for us at the moment if that makes any difference.

Vote away, vipers.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

sandgrown · 17/02/2023 00:44

If the OP’s DS is nearly 19 and not on a non-advanced course she would lose Child Benefit. He has a lot of disposable income and should contribute if the family is struggling. A family I know lost their business and nearly their home . Their daughter had to start work and contribute all her wages, less a bit of spending money ,to help keep their heads above water.


Judgyjudgy · 17/02/2023 00:46

icanneverthinkofnc · 16/02/2023 22:09

He is still saving, though, isn't he, £80 a month isn't a lot out of £800-£900. If family finances are so tight, the parents are struggling surely he would want to help.

I worked 6 nights a week in a pub 6-9.30pm during A levels and paid board in 1984.

I honestly think you shouldn't have children of you can't support them. He's still studying, it's not like he's sponging off his mum and pissing all his money away. It's very mean imo


Itisbetter · 17/02/2023 01:21

I think it should be the same for all of you. The parents presumably work, the child goes to college. Ds has got an extra job and you’d like some of that money each month because things are very tight. If you and dh get an extra job and contribute the same then I think it’s fine.
can I just clarify you are still getting CB? Because you should be until he leaves college and the next school year starts.


icanneverthinkofnc · 17/02/2023 06:48

Swiftswatch · 16/02/2023 22:33

Spoilt child becomes a manchild. @icanneverthinkofnc

Spoilt for expecting your parents to provide food, shelter and electricity when you’re still in full time education!

No, spoilt for being 'livid' at being asked for a small contribution when your parents are struggling.

As for those saying parents should support, ideally yes, but realistically some families really struggle. There are threads on here about COL, food banks, low wages, zero hours contracts etc.


KimberleyClark · 17/02/2023 06:55

thirstyformore · 16/02/2023 20:37

I don't understand people who don't expect working adults to contribute to their own living costs. Why on earth not? How many adults have £900 a month to spend on themselves? I don't, and I earn a very decent salary!!

If he is genuinely saving money for living costs for uni then if you can afford it you might want to let him live rent free to help with the savings. If he's out every night and buying designer trainers I'd definitely be charging rent.

MN seems to be full of people who don’t let their working adult children pay for anything.


iloveblue · 17/02/2023 07:06

The child benefit should continue whilst they are in full time further education.
Do you know when it stops?
I have an 18 year old in Y13 and won't be charging any board. He works part-time but doesn't earn as much as your son.

If he was living at home and working full-time then yes, that would be different.


GenderCriticalTrumpets · 17/02/2023 07:12

Some absolutely wild assumptions on this thread 😂😂😂 I cook for him, clean his room when he's at work and change his bedding so it's nice when he gets in, wash all his clothes, pay for his phone at the moment. When he was at school it was quite far away so I drove him there every day.

I've not said a single thing about not being able to afford to have my child. And for all of you saying I shouldn't have had him if I couldn't afford him I'm thrilled you are all in possession of crystal balls to predict COVID and the worst cost of living crisis for decades. Well done you.

Fantastic points about when his CB will stop so I will look into that so thank you.

He is fucking livid because like many on this thread he thinks he is still a child and me charging him anything to live here is monstrous. Quite suspect he's got himself an account or two judging by some replies 😂

OP posts:

Pearsandclocks · 17/02/2023 07:20

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 16/02/2023 21:31

All the posters saying they wouldn't charge him, why shouldn't he pay board? I paid my mum 100-150pw when I worked full time and lived at home.

He’s not working full time and is still a student .


Theoneandonlyjrae · 17/02/2023 07:24

I don't think unreasonable at all. I earned £660 in my first job and paid £150 a month board. My mum shopped, cooked and cleaned for me so I was happy to help out. She would also help me out if my wages ran out at end of the month.


sesquipedalian · 17/02/2023 07:36

How much do you pay for his phone? Seems a bit strange, giving money with one hand and taking it with the other. Also, from his reaction, I suspect you hadn’t made your expectations clear. When I was young, my mother said none of us would have to pay rent while we were in full-time education. My sisters, who had left school to get jobs but were still living at home, kicked up a stink when I got a holiday job and my mother caved and demanded rent, which I thought then and still think now was unfair - I was very hard up as a student. I think you need to let him know in advance what contributions he will need to make - will you, for example, expect him to contribute if he gets a holiday job while at university? He needs to know in advance so he can sort out his finances accordingly.


GenderCriticalTrumpets · 17/02/2023 07:38

I've said he can start paying for the phone at 18 too.

OP posts:

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 17/02/2023 07:39

Oh and I wouldnt expect him to pay anything when he's at University as his part time job will support him when he goes there.

OP posts:

KickHimInTheCrotch · 17/02/2023 07:41

I wouldn't while he was saving for uni and still at college. Would be completely different if he was working FT and spending his money on nights out and trainers.


KickHimInTheCrotch · 17/02/2023 07:43

I would expect him to pay for his own phone contract and any other subscriptions (spotify, gaming etc)


crossstitchingnana · 17/02/2023 07:51

We're ok for money but charge our dd, on similar wages to your son, £100 a month. It's not fair IMO that she gets to spend her money on herself and ours goes on the house. I also think it's a life lesson.

We also help her with her car etc and are about to start a little savings account with this money, to give her when she moves out.


crossstitchingnana · 17/02/2023 07:52

Oh and she's paid for her phone since 18. Our logic was we provide basic phones and anything flash they pay for.


StanFransDisco · 17/02/2023 07:58

@GenderCriticalTrumpets why do you need to look into CB though..surely you know when it stops?


Undertheoldlindentree · 17/02/2023 08:00

If he's at college until early summer and to uni in September, your child benefit will not stop until August. So I think it's wrong to charge him board in the meantime. Although he's earning well, the money is from part-time work fitted around college - essentially a Saturday job, though he must be doing more hours.

I can see why he's upset as very few/none of his friends will be charged like this. For the sake of a few months I wouldn't risk this kind of upset. It's something he'll always remember and could affect your relationship long-term.

If he lives at home again after or during uni, while earning full-time - that's the time to work out a fair payment. For now, if money is tight, how about asking him to buy his own toiletries, clothes, etc. It's a compromise he might feel happier with as he has more control and choice in that - and it's good practice for uni.


Roselilly36 · 17/02/2023 08:03

£80 a month sounds reasonable to me, my DS’ pay £150 pmth, they are 21 & 20.


Undertheoldlindentree · 17/02/2023 08:07

Also, I think you could ask him to pay from his own phone at this point. Just explain things are tight with COL. That, along with purchasing own toiletries. (if wants more than the family basics) and clothes will probably be at least £80 less that you are paying out now. Explain how child benefit is used towards mortgage/rent, heating etc.


Disneygirl37 · 17/02/2023 08:17

£80 per month is fine. My 18 year old dd earns a bit more than that and she pays £100 per month. She pay for her own phone and car too out of her wages and still has a lot left.


Dacadactyl · 17/02/2023 08:23

OP, I do understand what some posters are saying about him being in education and how you "should" support him through this.

I agree to an extent, however this sounds like a luxury you can't afford, given your personal circumstances.

It's a good life lesson for him to learn. I would charge him from the minute CB stopped or the minute I was struggling with the COL, whichever comes soonest.


Itisbetter · 17/02/2023 08:33

i think most of us have fed our children, got them to school and cleaned their bedrooms/done laundry while they were in school.


cosmiccosmos · 17/02/2023 08:33

A few things:

Rather than him paying whilst at school/college can you just cut down what you buy and have less in. He will then have to top his own food up

What else can you cut back in? Eg say you can't drive him as petrol too dear, things too tight

Please stop doing all the room cleaning/bed changing/clothes washing. He needs to be able to do these things for himself, more so an uni. Otherwise he'll be arriving home with bags of laundry. And no, I don't think running around cleaning up after my uni aged children us 'caring', it's them taking advantage and society putting expectations that the way women show they care us cleaning up other peoples shit.

Lastly it seems to be (in my 50)'s that individuals aren't 'adults' at 18 when it comes to money. My child's, at 13, can go to the doctors and can make decisions about medical procedures without me. They can say they are the opposite sex and insist on being called a new name without me, the list goes on.......

But when it comes to money they are all my responsibility according to MN. Regardless of how they spend that money - vaping, drinking, junk food .....


Nevermind31 · 17/02/2023 08:37

He is a child in full time education. When did he stop becoming your child and your responsibility?
He must feel really pushed out.

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