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Original poster

Should I bring up the texts I saw to dh?

323 replies

rainyspring · 16/02/2023 17:04

Dh gave me his phone to watch some videos and I saw a message pop up from his work colleague saying

"Yeah I know, she's too beautiful" so I just clicked on it and basically my husband started the convo to his colleague (male) about another colleague, saying "oh you can't miss her mate, she's stunning, absolutely beautiful"

To which the colleague goes "yeah quite taller than you though you will need ladders"

To my husband goes "that was what crossed my mind, imagine doggy style I would need a rope ha ha ha, every time she looks at me I get a hard on"

And then colleague replied with the above.

I want to mention it, but it will cause an argument and don't want to do that in front of my small children but is this normal lad convo I shouldn't have read?
I just feel kinda disgusted.

Would you mention it?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/02/2023 17:10

Yeah I’d tell him how disgusting he was and I wouldn’t stay married to him

ThreeLittleDots · 16/02/2023 17:10

is this normal lad convo I shouldn't have read

No it's bloody not and I'd have a hard time liking (let alone loving) my partner after reading that.

I'm so sorry, that must have been a shock. This isn't what decent husbands do.

FenghuangHoyan · 16/02/2023 17:10

Up until the "that was what crossed my mind, imagine doggy style I would need a rope ha ha ha, every time she looks at me I get a hard on" bit, it was "fairly" normal, but that went over the line to me.

As for if I'd mention it, probably, but expect an argument and how he didn't mean anything and you shouldn't have been looking at his phone and how it's all your fault.

JammyDodgerrr · 16/02/2023 17:11

Yes definitely mention it! He's basically getting hard over another woman if I'm reading that right?

BakedTattie · 16/02/2023 17:11

Yea I’d hit the roof

Showmethefood · 16/02/2023 17:11

I’d struggle with that too! I would absolutely confront and I don’t think I could stay married to him either. Though I appreciate its not as easy as that in real life. You are not in the wrong at all.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 16/02/2023 17:12

Start commenting on the postman /window cleaner etc. If he says anything tell him he is a hypocrite..

Ndd135632 · 16/02/2023 17:12

No that’s not normal. It’s horrible. Firstly as a way to speak about a woman and secondly because he is married.

discobrain · 16/02/2023 17:13

That's revolting, and he and his friends need an absolute bollocking talking about women like that.

I bet he claims something like "just banter" or "locker room talk."

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 16/02/2023 17:13

He has no respect for you. It is OK to have those thoughts as long as he keeps it to himself and never acts on them.

The fact he's texting his work mate like that would be the end for me because simply, I couldn't share my life with someone who had zero respect for me, his marriage and his family.

Luckingfovely · 16/02/2023 17:14

It's fucking vile, disrespectful to both you and the poor woman being discussed like meat.

Should you bring it up? Yup, while kicking him out the door would be a good moment.

Louisetopaz21 · 16/02/2023 17:14

I would be extremely hurt and upset if my DH was having that type of conversation with a work colleague. I do not think I could trust him again.

Notimeforaname · 16/02/2023 17:14

Of course you bring it up. Or at least ask him if he wouldn't mind you saying something along the same lines about a man you see every day ?

CuteAsDuck · 16/02/2023 17:14

Sorry that must have been a shock for you.

Appalling behaviour towards you never mind the fact it's a disgusting way to speak about his colleague even if he was single.

DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 17:15

Oh, op.
I’m so sorry!
It must be awful to find out your partner is a misogynistic creep!

Honestly, even if you bring it up with him, what could he say? What could possible make this okey?

The cono is horrible.

Has there ever been any clue that this is who he is?

Sorry, this is happening!

toobusytothink · 16/02/2023 17:16

Seriously? Yes mention them and tell him it’s completely out of order and unacceptable. And if he does anything other than apologise and grovel and admit he’s a twat then you have a serious problem. It’s disrespectful to you and the colleague and the “mate” is an absolute dick and I wouldn’t want my other half being friends with him. Good luck

GetUps · 16/02/2023 17:17

Urgh. I am often accused of being a cool wife but there's something way off about that.

Both for your marriage and for the poor colleague. Imagine having to work with that pair!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/02/2023 17:18

I'm usually very laid back about lad 'banter' but this crosses the line.

Saying she's beautiful - this is fine. We all find other people beautiful so it can be quite factual.

Saying she's stunning - again, factual. We all find people stunning so that's nothing bad.

Discussing how you'd shag someone - unacceptable. Disgusting. Shouldn't eve be crossing his mind. So degrading to both you and the woman in question.

Discussing how hard she makes you - utterly disrespectful and disgusting.

Just the wording of the messages also imply that he has form for this and has talking about shagging other coworkers. It implies he thinks he's gods gift to women and that he has first refusal sort of thing.

Pssspsss · 16/02/2023 17:19

Urgh that’s crossing a line for me. Just disrespectful to you as his wife, disrespectful to her as a woman

also it’s crossing workplace boundaries. If another colleague saw that they would be in the right to be able to report him for sexual harassment and/or discrimination as it doesn’t have to be the person it’s about/too that reports it. It’s whoever in the workplace is offended by it. Lots of lines crossed here

Original poster
rainyspring · 16/02/2023 17:19

Tbh he mentions women a lot and when I say I don't like it he says "I thought you could be like a friend too"

And he mentions at work how he has had to tell colleagues he's happily married after they've accused him of being a player because of "how he looks"

But now it's like he's just exposing himself to me.

But if that's how he's talking to other men no wonder, workplaces are gossipy and the colleagues probably said "oh yeah he thinks you're hot etc" and that's why people have the impression he's a player!

He only started the job 3 months ago!!

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 16/02/2023 17:19

Unfortunately OP even if he grovels like hell and says it's just 'banter' - the problem is that for you he probably has dropped hugely in your estimation and it's very hard to often feel quite the same again - be prepared for 'maybe' feeling like this. Some men do all this 'bravado/banter' stuff with other men as if it's nothing but it is incredibly disrespectful I feel

Pssspsss · 16/02/2023 17:22

toobusytothink · 16/02/2023 17:16

Seriously? Yes mention them and tell him it’s completely out of order and unacceptable. And if he does anything other than apologise and grovel and admit he’s a twat then you have a serious problem. It’s disrespectful to you and the colleague and the “mate” is an absolute dick and I wouldn’t want my other half being friends with him. Good luck

Actually this as well…. It shouldn’t cause an argument if you bring it up. He should be absolutely mortified ashamed and begging forgiveness - not kicking off

if he does kick off then he thinks his behaviour is acceptable and his green lighting his disrespect for you and your feelings. That would make him a double twat

Twawmyarse2 · 16/02/2023 17:22

Bloody hell, why wouldn't you mention it?

If I saw my dh speaking about another woman in this manner it would be divorce for me. He's basically lusting after another woman and talking in a totally disgusting manner about having sex with her to his colleague. How could you go near him after that?

GetUps · 16/02/2023 17:22

If his colleagues think he's a player after 3 months he's a player. He might be all talk, but he definitely likes to think of himself as a player.

Notimeforaname · 16/02/2023 17:22

Your morals dont line up. He thinks it's fine. You dont. I really dont see him changing at all because he doesn't see a problem. Either you put up with him as he is or leave.

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