Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Should I bring up the texts I saw to dh?

323 replies

rainyspring · 16/02/2023 17:04

Dh gave me his phone to watch some videos and I saw a message pop up from his work colleague saying

"Yeah I know, she's too beautiful" so I just clicked on it and basically my husband started the convo to his colleague (male) about another colleague, saying "oh you can't miss her mate, she's stunning, absolutely beautiful"

To which the colleague goes "yeah quite taller than you though you will need ladders"

To my husband goes "that was what crossed my mind, imagine doggy style I would need a rope ha ha ha, every time she looks at me I get a hard on"

And then colleague replied with the above.

I want to mention it, but it will cause an argument and don't want to do that in front of my small children but is this normal lad convo I shouldn't have read?
I just feel kinda disgusted.

Would you mention it?

OP posts:
Logicalreasoning · 16/02/2023 22:57

I was going to say calling her beautiful or stunning isn’t really a problem until I read the rest of it....that’s going too far..
you should mention it, but don’t let him guilt trip you by asking why you were reading his messages. He’s in the wrong and he needs to know it.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 23:00

louise5754 · 16/02/2023 22:33

I'd forward them to his work from an anonymous email address.

And then be up shit creek when he loses his job.

TrishM80 · 16/02/2023 23:01

JammyDodgerrr · 16/02/2023 17:11

Yes definitely mention it! He's basically getting hard over another woman if I'm reading that right?

It's an expression, he's not literally getting a hard on every time he sees her.

ellie09 · 16/02/2023 23:05

My ex husband did this to me constantly with friends etc even when he knew I was uncomfortable with it. Its a form of emotional abuse when it continues after confrontation.

I would confront him with what you seen. It wasn't as if you went snooping. It popped up on his phone when you had it.

Its absolutely disgusting behaviour for a married man, and very disrespectful to you

Randomusername65 · 16/02/2023 23:34

TrishM80 · 16/02/2023 23:01

It's an expression, he's not literally getting a hard on every time he sees her.

Show quote history

Ah ok, thanks for letting me know. I took it literally 😂

Codlingmoths · 16/02/2023 23:38

If a colleague was messaging another colleague like that about me I wouldn’t accept anything less than him/them if they both actively contributed being fired and would hire a lawyer to make it happen. Disgusting pond slime behaviour.

Screenshot it before talking to him as you could send it to his work/ colleague.

kateandme · 16/02/2023 23:46

jesus christ this is not banter.
its horrific.
and he doesnt love you or like you like he should if he is saying or thinking this about aonther woman hes looking at or talking about.
yuk.
vile man
blah blah not easy to leave a marriage etc but leave. how can you be happy with someone that feels this way about you.because it DOES show who he is and how he feels about you.
and i wouldnt want my child growing up with this dick.

PinkButtercups · 16/02/2023 23:47

Urgh, some so called men are so bloody creepy! They think women find this flattering. Absolutely fucking not.

I wouldn't stay married to someone like that and who calls himself a player. He probably says it like 'PLAYAAAAA' too.

Fraaahnces · 16/02/2023 23:59

I’d send copies of these texts to myself while I work out what I want from the marriage.

I’m not sure I could allow this to be minimised as “banter”
Saying that it’s “just boys being boys” further establishes the divide and proves that women aren’t considered to be humans of equal value to me.

Ceilingplaits · 17/02/2023 00:08

I'm not convinced finding others attractive is actually ok in a relationship, but fair enough, we're all different. Personally I've never been in a relationship where I or my partner was attracted to others except when their were periods when things weren't going so well and it was a symptom of that. Most friends and family the topic's come up in conversation with feel the same, except two friends who are in open relationships.

That aside, the OP's husband's behaviour is way off the charts, misogynistic and revolting. I would certainly be tempted to report it to his work, with screenshots.

So sorry this has happened to you, OP. You deserve much better and there are many much better men out there.

MsDogLady · 17/02/2023 00:10

Rainy, I’m concerned by your hesitation to challenge his perving.

You have the right to your boundaries, yet he feels entitled to ride roughshod over them. You’ve told him to cease the ogling and commenting on other women, but he dismisses you and actually tries to coerce you to be a ‘friend’ and go along with it. That is messed up.

Likewise, he is well aware that his extreme sleazing over his female colleague with his mate would greatly disturb you. He doesn’t care, and actually sounds proud of his player reputation.

I imagine this guy has shown other selfish and disrespectful behavior during your marriage. Is this the relationship you want to model for your children? Why are you settling for this?

Maddison12 · 17/02/2023 00:15

The first couple of messages aren't something I'd be over the moon to read but probably quite normal.

The doggy style message, absolutely vile. 🤮 Very disrespectful towards you and clear as day what he thinks of women.

Ceilingplaits · 17/02/2023 00:15

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:20

Not being obtuse at all. Committing those thoughts to writing isn’t the point is it ? I thought the point was that men are not allowed to have them at all. And if you were to ask them to tell you honestly, most will tell you that they mentally undress attractive women. A lot is genetically implanted and to do with perpetuation of the species, and diminishes with age. Doesn’t mean they’re obsessed.

Show quote history

There's no evidence that men more than women have any genetic conditioning to behave this way. It's a cultural construct, a stereotype, part of gender constructs. It's also nasty and immoral as it perpetuates such constructs and so props up and perpetuates misogyny, oppression and abuse.

LadyJ2023 · 17/02/2023 00:15

If I saw that on my hubby's phone we would have words. Disrespecting me and other women I don't think so

Muswellhiller · 17/02/2023 00:16

I’m so sad to read this. I’ve had similar incidences although nowhere as bad as yours.

it’s devastating.
I know everyone says confront him. …but with small children I don’t think I would.
I would take time to think.

If at all possible I would take a picture of make a screenshot of those messages and keep it safely. Get the dates on them.

if it was me I would then take some time to think.

Maybe even see a counsellor.

My issues would be
What’s the likely outcome of confronting him? You already said there’d be a row.
Which is also worrying.

Are you financially emotionally and practically able to cope on your own for a while if necessary.

Do you have a sufficient support network.

i would take a week to think.
I would get someone to have the kids.

I would have someone else in the house in another room as you confront him.

if it was me I would want to him to leave ….tell him I want a separation and some time to think.

due to the kids and if he begged for forgiveness I’d probably suggest couples counselling whilst separated.
hoping that my brave no nonsense approach would shock him into better behaviour.
hoping in the end a return to a better marriage.

however if he was angry in denial and aggressive then I would separate & contact a solicitor & change the locks and tell him if he gives you any problems you will send the copy of the texts to his workplace

i have been a doormat in my early life and believe me ignoring these things does NOT make them go away

If he’s not had an affair already he’s going to.
its painful but it’s good you saw that text. It’s fate.

get your support network sorted. Seek professional advice. Act
❤️

Ceilingplaits · 17/02/2023 00:21

Thundercat22 · 16/02/2023 19:36

Most men have higher sex drives than women. Women get offended when men watch porn. Men are potential who#%s if they were women they would be lol. I think all men look at women way more than women look At men. I don't think it's meant to be disrespectful though.

There's no evidence whatsoever to back up the sexist myth about sex drives. It's culturally specific and based in power relations (e.g. in ancient Greece it was the accepted norm that women had such uncontrollably high sex drives that it was used as a rationale for why they were kept in the home).
It's very damaging to women, for example, equal numbers of women and men in couple's therapy express problems with their partner having a lower sex drive, but women are extra distressed by it because the myth of men having higher sex drives makes them feel there must be something unusually unattractive about them if their partner doesn't want as much sex as they do.

Aussiegirl123456 · 17/02/2023 00:44

You pod thing, OP.
He is revolting.
It is up to you if you want to live with someone who’ll destroy your self esteem.
If that was my husband, I would be gone.

QueefQueen80s · 17/02/2023 01:32

Even the beautiful would get me. Good some men are awful.

Janbohonut · 17/02/2023 07:45

That is so gross. Disrespectful to you but also so unprofessional, the poor woman is just trying to do her job, and has these sleazy married men creeping on her like this and inventing pornographic scenes involving her. It's depressing and pure male entitlement and misogyny. I could not be married to such a sleazy pig.

Sirikit · 17/02/2023 08:43

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:07

So all men are rapists ?

Show quote history

Pretty much, yes.

VioletaDelValle · 17/02/2023 08:45

Its absolutely disgusting behaviour for a married man, and very disrespectful to you

It's not right for any man to send texts like this imo but this does have the added dimension of disrespecting his wife and a colleague.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 17/02/2023 09:02

Muswellhiller · 17/02/2023 00:16

I’m so sad to read this. I’ve had similar incidences although nowhere as bad as yours.

it’s devastating.
I know everyone says confront him. …but with small children I don’t think I would.
I would take time to think.

If at all possible I would take a picture of make a screenshot of those messages and keep it safely. Get the dates on them.

if it was me I would then take some time to think.

Maybe even see a counsellor.

My issues would be
What’s the likely outcome of confronting him? You already said there’d be a row.
Which is also worrying.

Are you financially emotionally and practically able to cope on your own for a while if necessary.

Do you have a sufficient support network.

i would take a week to think.
I would get someone to have the kids.

I would have someone else in the house in another room as you confront him.

if it was me I would want to him to leave ….tell him I want a separation and some time to think.

due to the kids and if he begged for forgiveness I’d probably suggest couples counselling whilst separated.
hoping that my brave no nonsense approach would shock him into better behaviour.
hoping in the end a return to a better marriage.

however if he was angry in denial and aggressive then I would separate & contact a solicitor & change the locks and tell him if he gives you any problems you will send the copy of the texts to his workplace

i have been a doormat in my early life and believe me ignoring these things does NOT make them go away

If he’s not had an affair already he’s going to.
its painful but it’s good you saw that text. It’s fate.

get your support network sorted. Seek professional advice. Act
❤️

Projecting somewhat.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 17/02/2023 09:04

Sirikit · 17/02/2023 08:43

Pretty much, yes.

Show quote history

I’m very sorry for whatever has happened to you to make you think that.

Janbohonut · 17/02/2023 09:35

@VioletaDelValle I don't think all men do speak like that. I know my DH, who is not above admiring beautiful women, would not speak at that level about a colleague, and he would be disgusted by a colleague who did.

I know of another man who developed anxiety listening to the way women were spoken of at work on two-way radio. He found it very difficult to listen to, but felt he couldn't speak up because then he would be shunned.

To say 'oh this is what men are like' ignore the fact that it's a choice to talk like this about women, it's a choice to degrade them with language, it's not inevitable. Not all men do it, only some.

VioletaDelValle · 17/02/2023 09:38

Janbohonut · 17/02/2023 09:35

@VioletaDelValle I don't think all men do speak like that. I know my DH, who is not above admiring beautiful women, would not speak at that level about a colleague, and he would be disgusted by a colleague who did.

I know of another man who developed anxiety listening to the way women were spoken of at work on two-way radio. He found it very difficult to listen to, but felt he couldn't speak up because then he would be shunned.

To say 'oh this is what men are like' ignore the fact that it's a choice to talk like this about women, it's a choice to degrade them with language, it's not inevitable. Not all men do it, only some.

I don't think you meant to tag me in this.

If you read my posts I clearly don't think all men speak about women this way.