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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Onefootinthegroove · 14/02/2023 21:13

Your H is a twat.

gawditswindy · 14/02/2023 21:13

Yes, your DH is being a dick.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 14/02/2023 21:15

Your dh doesn't get to refuse. Unless he wants to be labelled also abusive..

Simonjt · 14/02/2023 21:15

Could you help her book a hotel? I have children, there is no way I would let one of my husbands random colleagues stay in my home while the children are here, there was ways to help without strangers sleeping in your home.

Christmaspyjamas · 14/02/2023 21:15

Insensitive is not the word. He is a co-participant in oppressing and terrifying a woman and child. He sickens me. He is a cruel nasty bully.

Codlingmoths · 14/02/2023 21:17

Wow. I’d have big words with my Dh and invite her back for the night (after having a conversation to check it’s what I think). I’d suggest he leave rather than I turf a child onto the street if it has to be either or, adn that I’m suddenly looking at him completely differently. Tomorrow is enough time to look for better options for your colleague.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2023 21:17

Simonjt · 14/02/2023 21:15

Could you help her book a hotel? I have children, there is no way I would let one of my husbands random colleagues stay in my home while the children are here, there was ways to help without strangers sleeping in your home.

I’m here too. Is her ex likely to show up? What if she can’t go elsewhere tomorrow and needs to stay a week or a month?

Codlingmoths · 14/02/2023 21:18

He’ll be much safer sleeping on the street than a woman and child so presumably it doesn’t bother him at all to do that.

Blablablanamechangagain · 14/02/2023 21:19

Unless he has safeguarding issues, your DH is a knobhead. And that's being polite so I don't have to use my swear jar.

She is clearly desperate if she's rocked up at an acquaintances door. I assume it's so her husband won't be able to find her.

It takes unbelievable strength to try and break free of an abusive relationship and only someone dead on the inside would shut down an avenue for refuge without good cause.

Codlingmoths · 14/02/2023 21:19

Why would her ex show up? You ask her not to tell them. You could also ask if she thinks her phone or car might be tracked if it seems like a very controlling situation I guess.

gelatogina · 14/02/2023 21:19

He is being massively unreasonable

is there a backstory to this?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/02/2023 21:19

Wow! Is your DH always this heartless? That would make me really re-evaluate what kind of person I had married tbh.

It can't have been easy for this poor woman to rock up on your doorstep. It sounds to me like she must be pretty desperate.

He isn't trying to stop you from going to meet her, is he?

pictoosh · 14/02/2023 21:20

He doesn't get to tell you whether or not to get involved. It's not up to him.
He does get a say in who stays in his house but in this instance I think he's being callously quick to say no.

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 14/02/2023 21:20

Oh my God! Your DH is being awful and really controlling! When my mum fled my dad I'll never forget the kindness of random acquaintances letting us stay when we needed it most. Your DH is shocking.

Tinkerbyebye · 14/02/2023 21:20

Ask your dh how he would feel if a female member of his family was in that situation and some dickhead Husband said no and left them on the street

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/02/2023 21:21

Simonjt · 14/02/2023 21:15

Could you help her book a hotel? I have children, there is no way I would let one of my husbands random colleagues stay in my home while the children are here, there was ways to help without strangers sleeping in your home.

She isn't a stranger, though? She is the OP's colleague.

Christmaspyjamas · 14/02/2023 21:21

So now your husband has imprisoned you in the house?.so you're both in abusive relationships and the two men are sticking up for each other it seems.

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:21

I’m going to my car now to go and meet her at the coffee shop and have a conversation about what’s happened and make sure she’s ok. I’ll deal with DH later. I think I’ll just let her sleep at ours tonight if I have to.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 14/02/2023 21:22

I’m shocked at how cruel and hard hearted your husband is. Can’t believe you allowed it

elloelloellooooo · 14/02/2023 21:22

U have a nasty husband

Simonjt · 14/02/2023 21:23

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/02/2023 21:21

She isn't a stranger, though? She is the OP's colleague.

Show quote history

She is a stranger to the OPs husband

TheyHadGrace · 14/02/2023 21:24

What’s your DH’s problem?! Jeez.

To come to you - a colleague who isn’t a close friend - she must be really up shits creek. How could he turn her away? Even if only for one night! she has a child with her too, so the decent thing would be to let her stay.

Is your husband ususally so domineering?

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 14/02/2023 21:24

Blablablanamechangagain · 14/02/2023 21:19

Unless he has safeguarding issues, your DH is a knobhead. And that's being polite so I don't have to use my swear jar.

She is clearly desperate if she's rocked up at an acquaintances door. I assume it's so her husband won't be able to find her.

It takes unbelievable strength to try and break free of an abusive relationship and only someone dead on the inside would shut down an avenue for refuge without good cause.

This. Imagine the desperation that would make you rock up to a colleagues door, let alone the embarrassment.

I couldn't turn her away, but then my DH isn't a dick that would turn a woman and child away.

pawz · 14/02/2023 21:24

She's in a coffee shop at 9.30pm with a child?!

Do you have children at home? Is the partner at risk of turning up and causing issues? Does she have no friends or family to help if she's come to a colleagues house she doesn't know well?

I'm unsure why she wouldn't go to a hotel unless finances are really an issue?

Tbh I'd like to think in that moment if one of DHs colleagues turned up randomly in that situation I'd not protest but the thought makes me deeply uncomfortable about having strangers in the house.

Littleloveydovey · 14/02/2023 21:25

Bloody hell. I don’t use the word often but what a cunt he is. I assume he’s scared the bloke will come round and lamp him one. So he’d rather a child on the street.

id tell him to leave if he wasn’t comfortable. Have her round, next day womens aid can help find her a refuge.

she needs to stay though on the condition her husband doesn’t know where she is and can’t find her ie find my phone and it is just for the night,

she must be really desperate to come to you.