To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

[Roarlikealiontonight]

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

I can sort of see it from his viewpoint until the ‘don’t get involved bit’ having a stranger (to him) in your house especially if you have nod which you haven’t said if you do or don’t, may be why he doesn’t want to but by to get involved at all is wrong. This could be the one chance this poor woman gets to escape a potentially life threatening situation. I’m glad you’ve gone to see her and hope you are both ok

What a cruel and heartless man you are married to.

I presume as you are married the house also belongs to you? If so why does he think he decides who enters it and feels he can veto your guests. I am honestly very very shocked by his behaviour and wouldn’t be able to see him in the same light if I was you. He has been so so cruel

Most sensible response so far

People are saying they'd completely reconsider their relationships if their husband said the woman couldn't sleep there. Really??? You'd split up your own family, lose your home, damage your own kids for someone you know nothing about??? We all know that's not true.

@747jumbo, you're right. I wouldn't split up my family for someone I know nothing about. Or for a work colleague. Or even for a close friend.

However, in this situation, I would absolutely re-evaluate my relationship. Not for the poor vulnerable woman who he had turned away without a second thought - it would make no difference to her in any case. But because the situation would realise that he wasn't the man I thought I had married and because it would become painfully clear that his morals and values were not aligned with mine.

Do you not care about the character of the person you share your life with?

WHY does he get to decide who stays in your home in such a situation.

Because to invite a random stranger's potentially violent problems under your roof, where your children sleep, the parents whose home it is need to both consent, obviously.

If it was the other way around it would be exactly the same. I do think they should offer some form of help together, but clearly one parent cannot unilaterally invite some random person into your home against your wishes, as a priority over the other parent and the children. Would you accept that "rule"? No it'd be nuts. Consent is required.

Yes I agree with the hotel suggestion. Good idea.

But there is something that is a bit rum about this OP. Your husband might be right about the caution. If I were him, I would be wondering why my wife? And why does this woman know where my wife lives? Are you good friends at work?

What stands out to me is how quickly your DH managed to stop her from coming in. It sounds like you were the first at the door? If someone I knew showed up at my door at night crying with a child, I imagine I’d have ushered them in within a few seconds. Not because I’m a particularly benevolent person, just because that’s the standard reaction on a winter night (“oh hi x, come in, come in, let’s talk inside”). Even if I was being completely clinical and had no empathy (which it sounds like you do) I would’ve felt chilly and worried about disturbing the neighbors, and rather had them indoors.

There is no way that within this time, my OH would’ve - a) figured out what’s going on, b) gotten himself up and to the door, c) decided he didn’t want these people to stay and d) expressed this to them. Surely it takes your DH longer to process all this information (and react to it) than it does to usher your colleague in for a cup of tea.

So… perhaps i got the wrong end of the stick about who answered the doorbell and how it went down. But if not, either your colleague was hanging around at the doorstep for a while (and you yourself were hesitant about letting them in, which is fine, maybe she was drunk/high/aggressive) OR your DH “knows” her as other people have suggested… or something else I haven’t thought of. But otherwise the timing seems all wrong.

There is so much talk of having strangers in the house. It's really alien to me. Lots of my DH's friends are strangers to me, but I wouldn't dream of banning them from our house - it's his house too, and they're his friends! If I haven't met them before they come, well...I just get to know them while they're here!

Are people really saying that they wouldn't let a partner's friend visit unless they had met them previously somewhere else?

To those who are incredulous, I'm another for whom it would be deal-breaker territory if my DH reacted with so little compassion. This woman and child need to feel safe and welcome tonight, so they can gather themselves for whatever comes next. Preferably in OP's home, but if not, then at least invited in and cared for while a secure hotel is found, booked, paid for, then travel with them and see them safely to their room.

I have some experience of having nowhere to go and the people I turned to for help treating me like a noxious fume. It hugely compounded and prolonged the stress and trauma of the original situation, just when I desperately needed respite. Those relationships never recovered. I could not be or stay married to someone who would do that to another person.

Just a practical note.

If the daughter has a phone (and at 12 I'd imagine she has) it may be an idea to take it from her.

She may answer should her father call, or even reach out to him because she's worried about him, and inadvertently give away their location - whether that's at OPs home, a hotel, or a refuge.

This

"Friends but not close" colleagues is NOT a random person.

His reaction was No and not to get involved.

What a prize.

Couldn't be bothered to find out what the situation was, just a No and don't get involved.

Not the actions of a frightened man, just someone who simply doesn't care.

Of course the police should be called if he comes near the house.

It takes a certain type of character to turn away a woman and child at 9pm.

A colleague too.

Just awful.

Forgot to ask… I can 100% see why he might not want to let them stay overnight, but why was he so strongly opposed to you meeting her for a coffee other than “not getting involved”?

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone whose response is "don't get involved". Wow.

I find DHs behaviour is weird and while I understand caution I find it a bit OTT not even letting her in for a cup of tea and then helping her find a hotel.

Her 12 year old in particular will remember this. Not only being turfed out their house by violent dad/stepdad but also going door to door trying to find refuge and that is heartbreaking. I’m a single woman who lives alone and is very protective of my living space , but I don’t think I could even have the heart to behave like that.

It will be interesting to hear his reasons for not even letting her step inside the house and what exactly his reservations are? People have suggested what those might be but would be good to hear from OP, what her husbands reasons are.

I am amazed at the number of people making excuses for the DH's behaviour.

I get that some people might not want the woman to stay, and that they think a hotel is a better idea. Fair enough, I don't necessarily agree but I can understand that point of view. But the OP's DH wouldn't even let the poor woman come into the house for just a few minutes, and then he told the OP not to go and meet her at the cafe because it was better not to get involved.

Just think about it. The OP's friend - not close but she is a friend - arrives on their doorstep with her child in a desperate state, having been kicked out by a partner who made her feel unsafe. That vulnerable friend is asking for help, and all the OP's husband can do is tell the OP not to get involved?

On what planet do people think it's OK to shrug off a plea for help from a vulnerable friend because it's better not to get in involved? Clearly, some of you are happy enough to share your lives with men like this, but personally, I have higher standards.

Not the actions of a frightened man, just someone who simply doesn't care

A reasonable person could take that position and it not be either of these things.

For instance he may place the safety of his own children above his own feelings of compassion or charity or heroism. Many here can attest to the fact that DV perpetrators when enraged by their partner leaving are actually quite frequently murderous, that's one risk. He may not feel like signing up for an indefinite stay, that's another. There are more. Maybe when thinking it through he thinks the risks are better shouldered by the professionals like police, women's refuges etc. rather than his children who he loves.

It's wrong not to help in some way, but there is more than one way to skin a cat. Actually both positions are reasonable.

I'm with your husband on this one.

You don't know her well enough to know how this situation will play out, how many times have do-gooders ended up hurt, a man was literally stabbed in my city recently going to help someone.

What if her husband turns up, I bet your husband will be expected to deal with him as the man of the house, what scene will be caused infront of your children (presuming you have them)

If it was someone I knew well and knew a shit show wasn't about to land on my door step then I would help, a acquaintance no, id likely help with a hotel, offer to call the council, lift to wherever but I wouldn't want them on my sofa.

Tbf, if the violent ex turns up and kicks door in, it'll then be husband who's expected to protect everyone. He probs realises this hence his reluctance.

After my parents divorced my Dad blamed me, he thought I had given my Mum a bad example by leaving my ex. I wonder if Op's DH has the same mentality. It would explain why he doesn't want OP to meet them at the coffee shop. He's a Nice Guy. Nice Guys are nice until they aren't getting their own way or until someone poses a threat, then they start to guard their resource.

I cant imagine the courage it took this woman to come to the door of a person she knows mildly with her child. Sorry but your other half is so so wrong I can never imagine mine turning away a stray dog never mind a woman and child even just to sleep for 1 night then discuss things the next day.

What if her husband turns up, I bet your husband will be expected to deal with him as the man of the house, what scene will be caused infront of your children (presuming you have them)

and best case scenario runs a risk of a life-chamging violent criminal record, to say nothing of the myriad far worse possibilities for their family.

Would these things ACTUALLY be "kind" to bring about for your family, if they were the result of just following your heart and feeling like a hero (rather than letting people handle these things who do it for their job like a sensible person)

The above is not my viewpoint on the situation, but it's worth saying because a reasonable person might need persuading around because their position is grounded in actual conscious thought rather than kneejerk "not caring"

What the hell have I just read. If a woman and children came to my door in the middle of the night my DH wouldn't have a choice or be consulted in the matter, they would stay. How can you be with a man who would turn them away and dictate what you can and can't do in your home 😔💐

I think it was a bit cheeky of her to turn up on your doorstep. She should have gone to a relative or a hotel. You should have let her in and helped her ring round hotels. Trouble is where is the guarantee she would go the next day if she stayed.

Any trouble from the ex and the police would be called.

And how long do people think it would take the police to get to them with the way things are currently? I’m in London & in 2019 the Mets average response times were:

Immediate threat to life: 15 mins
Serious threat: 1 hour 27 mins

That’s the lastest data I could find but in all probability I bet it’s a hell of a lot worse now.

Also go onto YouTube & see how quickly it’s possible to break down the average front door if someone is determined to get in, it can literally be done in seconds!

We see it time & time again in the media that when a woman tries to leave, these abusive men become murderous so if the violent ex does get through the door, who would be expected to deal with him while waiting for the police? We can shout about equality & misogyny all we want but let’s be real, it’s the husband who would be expected to step up so damn right he should have a say. Also, are people’s own children in the house when this is happening? These men have no problem killing their own wives & children so I doubt they’ll think twice about a do-gooder who’s in the way.

Some people are responding purely emotionally by only thinking about the acquaintance & her child without a second thought to the practical implications for themselves & their own family’s safety whereas others - like OP’s husband - are only thinking about it logically & the impact on themselves with no compassion for anyone else whatsoever - both approaches are understandable as a first, knee jerk reaction but neither response is right. I agree with others that OP should help the friend get a hotel so she’s safe & then go from there, no need to risk inviting trouble into her own home though.