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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 24/02/2023 14:39

@PeanutButterSmoothie I sense you are a very literal kind of person.

ManateeFair · 24/02/2023 14:52

I can see why he might feel weird about two strangers (to him) turning up in distress and staying the night in the house, especially as she's a work colleague and not a friend. However... he is being AWFUL in the way he's handling this. Even if he doesn't want her staying in the house, he has absolutely NO business telling you not to go and meet her in a coffee shop and he has no business sending you threatening texts and setting you ultimatums. He's a bullying twat.

BoundShark · 24/02/2023 15:21

ManateeFair · 24/02/2023 14:52

I can see why he might feel weird about two strangers (to him) turning up in distress and staying the night in the house, especially as she's a work colleague and not a friend. However... he is being AWFUL in the way he's handling this. Even if he doesn't want her staying in the house, he has absolutely NO business telling you not to go and meet her in a coffee shop and he has no business sending you threatening texts and setting you ultimatums. He's a bullying twat.

In all fairness the op has avoided repeating the words of the threatening messages. The one she did post was not threatening in any way. Actually the OP has avoided giving her husbands words any cover at all.

surely I cannot be the only one amused by the irony of someone proclaiming ‘ I wouldn’t even ask him , I would just tell him. I won’t be told what’s what in my house’. As more than one poster has said.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2023 16:02

BoundShark · 24/02/2023 15:21

In all fairness the op has avoided repeating the words of the threatening messages. The one she did post was not threatening in any way. Actually the OP has avoided giving her husbands words any cover at all.

surely I cannot be the only one amused by the irony of someone proclaiming ‘ I wouldn’t even ask him , I would just tell him. I won’t be told what’s what in my house’. As more than one poster has said.

You’re not.

MichelleScarn · 24/02/2023 16:17

Definitely not!
'How dare he try and tell you what happens in the family home, you only course are the one that tells HIM what happens, and if he doesn't do what you demand he's obviously q evil, controlling bastard who you should lockout and divorce'Confused

Eleganz · 24/02/2023 16:39

MichelleScarn · 24/02/2023 16:17

Definitely not!
'How dare he try and tell you what happens in the family home, you only course are the one that tells HIM what happens, and if he doesn't do what you demand he's obviously q evil, controlling bastard who you should lockout and divorce'Confused

Mumsnet in a nutshell there.

strivingtosucceed · 24/02/2023 16:40

MichelleScarn · 24/02/2023 16:17

Definitely not!
'How dare he try and tell you what happens in the family home, you only course are the one that tells HIM what happens, and if he doesn't do what you demand he's obviously q evil, controlling bastard who you should lockout and divorce'Confused

It's always funny how this only seems to work one way round 🤔.

ConcordeOoter · 24/02/2023 19:34

BadNomad · 24/02/2023 07:50

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I'm curious to know how far that selflessness goes for you. For example, would you run into a burning building to rescue a stranger even if it meant you might die and leave your child without a mother? I'm sure some people would, but I think most people wouldn't.

I personally think it's natural for people to put their important people first. Their children, their partner. I think it's natural to not want to get involved in other people's dangerous circumstances. I actually think it's rather selfish to put other people before your own loved ones.

Indeed. I've been thinking about this thread and what I would do. I might help, by securing proper professional help, but I would not necessarily bring this random woman's situation under our roof where our children sleep.

I understand how we might all struggle with this when hospitality is so core to our humanity, but often what feels Nice and what is Right are not the same thing. An adult puts their own household first and their own children before their own interests, virtues, personal safety and reputation.

Someone who puts their children's safety somewhere down the list and indulges in self-congratulatory amateur, unqualified social work bringing other people's possibly violent problems into their home without any idea of how to deal with them is, frankly, halfway between an adult and a child. I have known that attitude to go wrong for the children in a bad way.

It isn't selfless to be selfless with your children's safety. It isn't heroic, and if OH is being the grown-up trying to calm it down, that doesn't make them the bad guy.

Truth be told, if this shit goes tits up who suffers the consequences? Primarily both families' DC. Maybe the adult house guest. Maybe (if he is lucky enough to get a chance to protect his family rather than it being eg petrol through the letterbox) DH as well.

MichelleScarn · 24/02/2023 20:10

Agree @ConcordeOoter why should op care about the disruption and upset to her own kids, now sharing their home, no dad at home, as long as their mum has a warm glow from supporting basically a stranger!

OhwhyOY · 24/02/2023 20:18

@Roarlikealiontonight any update? Hope you and your colleague and ger child are all OK.

dogdaydown · 24/02/2023 20:30

MichelleScarn · 24/02/2023 20:10

Agree @ConcordeOoter why should op care about the disruption and upset to her own kids, now sharing their home, no dad at home, as long as their mum has a warm glow from supporting basically a stranger!

Exactly!

Just divorce your DH because he's got a totally justified response to the situation.

Callmenat · 26/03/2023 16:12

The comments on here saying that your dh is abusive are laughable. It's far more nuanced than this. Must be nice to live in such a binary world.

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