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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Merangutan · 14/02/2023 22:53

This is about as desperate as any woman fleeing abuse can get. Honestly don’t know how he can’t see that. It’s not like she rocked up for a holiday. Please overrule him on this and don’t think twice about it. She’s got a 12 year old with her and I’m astonished that only you can see how bad this is. You’re a good person, OP.

LikeTearsInRain · 14/02/2023 22:54

YABU

Your husband has every right to say he doesn’t want strangers to be invited to stay in his home. Even if ‘just for a night’ there is no guarantee this won’t transform into a more extended stay.

You would be able to say the same if he had a friend (male or female) turn up on his door wanting to stay unexpectedly.

ltappleby · 14/02/2023 22:57

Just to give another side - when I was a young child (6 or 7) my mother put one of her friends up for the night, the friend was hiding from her abusive husband. He turned up in the middle of the night kicking and hammering on the door, roaring for her to give his wife back. I was terrified and never forgotten it.

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 22:57

Unless there is a massive backstory here then your H is being an absolute dick.

She is obviously desperate and wouldn’t drag her child to a different house unless she absolutely has to.

You say you have the room and so I’ll be telling DH that you will let her stay a maximum of 3 nights and in the meantime get her help through the council etc so she is out of his hair asap.

I hope your DH is never on his arse with a child with no where to stay.

Ourlittleharmonica · 14/02/2023 22:58

I think people have been a little harsh towards your husband but the fact that this woman is NOT a close friend and has come to you shows how desperate she is for help. I would let her stay tonight (I probably wouldn't sleep a wink) and try and talk to her tomorrow to see it you can get some proper help for her.

WTF475878237NC · 14/02/2023 23:01

As someone who has just had 9 months of four strangers living with me and my family from Ukraine this absolutely blows my mind. I can't imagine being worried about how long a woman and daughter will stay when they turn up at 9pm in distress, what if I have to call the police if she was followed or various other what ifs...

Your husband is a selfish coward.

747jumbo · 14/02/2023 23:01

The point scoring is everyone wanting to make a big thing about how virtuous they were. People are saying they'd completely reconsider their relationships if their husband said the woman couldn't sleep there. Really??? You'd split up your own family, lose your home, damage your own kids for someone you know nothing about??? We all know that's not true.

And if the husband comes back with a knife? You'd be fine with your kids there? Or if the woman is drunk and hysterical? Or if she answers the phone to her DP who is "sorry" and tells her to come and get her?? Or he's followed her? (Fire through the letter box?? Stones at the window? Police in the street?) It happens all the time. The impact on your kids?

Think it through.

The best option for everyone - the woman and child included - is to go to a hotel and call the professionals. She will be far safer than hiding in OP's home.

TiredyMcTired · 14/02/2023 23:03

I’m really 🙄at some of the really OTT comments calling the OP’s husband names and accusing him of being a bully etc…
I feel sorry for the woman who has turned up at the OP’s house, but she herself has said that she doesn’t know the woman very well. I think the OP has done the right thing going to offer some advice and help, however I also think that her DH is also entitled to have his feelings about not having strangers in their home if it makes him uncomfortable.

PeanutButterSmoothie · 14/02/2023 23:04

I'd probs be inclined to let her stay but would also be a bit worried that he'd track her phone etc.

747jumbo · 14/02/2023 23:06

ltappleby · 14/02/2023 22:57

Just to give another side - when I was a young child (6 or 7) my mother put one of her friends up for the night, the friend was hiding from her abusive husband. He turned up in the middle of the night kicking and hammering on the door, roaring for her to give his wife back. I was terrified and never forgotten it.

This is exactly what happened where we lived. A small cul de sac. It was terrifying - and he came back again and again looking for her. My children were primary age and it frightened them very badly as I was on my own with them.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/02/2023 23:08

I have no words for what a lowlife you would have to be to turn down a woman and child in this sort of need.

Your H is absolutely pathetic.

PeanutButterSmoothie · 14/02/2023 23:09

That said, if the husband wanted to allow a male workmate who he didn't know very well to stay and OP wasn't keen I think people would probs support her. Obviously men are more of a risk but given that the husband would also be there I think the situations are fairly comparable.

PeanutButterSmoothie · 14/02/2023 23:11

PeanutButterSmoothie · 14/02/2023 23:09

That said, if the husband wanted to allow a male workmate who he didn't know very well to stay and OP wasn't keen I think people would probs support her. Obviously men are more of a risk but given that the husband would also be there I think the situations are fairly comparable.

Potentially, though, OPs situation is more dangerous than my above example because the male is the aggressor rather than the victim.

MrsMikeDrop · 14/02/2023 23:11

Given she's turned up and you're not close she must be desperate, find a way to help her

ConcordeOoter · 14/02/2023 23:11

ltappleby · 14/02/2023 22:57

Just to give another side - when I was a young child (6 or 7) my mother put one of her friends up for the night, the friend was hiding from her abusive husband. He turned up in the middle of the night kicking and hammering on the door, roaring for her to give his wife back. I was terrified and never forgotten it.

Yup. There have also been instances where the family themselves have come to serious harm, or where the householder intervenes to stop an assault and the original DV victim will not then feel they can tell the police the truth, danger and drama ahoy.

I can see both sides, but if you don't help her directly with accommodation I'd definitely make sure some help has been arranged for her rather than leave her out on the street.

forwhatitsworth22 · 14/02/2023 23:23

I'm torn. I don't think the DH is wrong but he isn't right either. I get she's desperate so maybe he could've driven her to the police station? Have you got kids OP? May explain a lot as to why DH wouldn't allow them in.

Eleganz · 14/02/2023 23:24

I would find her a hotel room for the night to be honest. Significant risk of abusive potentially violent husband showing up and causing issues.

Your husband should not have been so insensitive, but he has a point.

amonsteronthehill · 14/02/2023 23:29

I don't think much of your husband, OP.

Mammajay · 14/02/2023 23:31

I agree with 747jumbo. My husband had his own business and one of his workers got thrown out by his landlady apparently without reason. I was going to invite him to stay with us for a couple of nights but as I was about to tell my husband to invite him something made me think of my teenage daughter. I didn't invite him. Later he was found guilty of rape. The ops husband The ops husband was insensitive. The woman and her child need and should be offered help and their safety ensured but people sometimes oversimplify things and are too quick to judge and the comments about leave him etc are over the top imo. The op knows what her husband is like. We don't.

L1ttledrummergirl · 14/02/2023 23:40

If this was my colleague/neighbour we would have taken them inside in a heartbeat. There is no way either dh or I would see a desperate woman and child on the streets at night.

Any trouble from the ex and the police would be called.

There are (limited) options if you feel you can't have her overnight, call the out of hours homeless team for your area and they should be able to help for the night. This will probably be a hotel room and the other guests may well be homeless as well so not all the best company, and women's aid in the morning. I don't know if they can help through the night.

kateandme · 14/02/2023 23:41

your clearly not going to let her stay.your replying posts makes that clear.
you know her enough for her to feel hse can come to you.jesus and you turned and abused woman away.
what do we hear on every single abuse stroyline. on every bloody thread on her.go to someone.reach out.when you cna leave leave and anyone would accept you even if they didnt know you!! and this woman isn someone nyou are kind of friends with.
shit the bed your husbamd is a dick. and your allowing it.
and she will forever remember this when she is forced back there.she will remmeebr it every time she tries to leave.

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 23:48

People are saying they'd completely reconsider their relationships if their husband said the woman couldn't sleep there. Really??? You'd split up your own family, lose your home, damage your own kids for someone you know nothing about??? We all know that's not true.

I wasn’t someone who said it but I would 100% reconsider my relationship if my husband refused to have a woman and child stay when they had no where else to go.

I actually don’t know any man that would turn away a mother and child.

I’m sure if DH ever found himself on the streets then he’d want someone to take him in for the night too.

Stravaig · 14/02/2023 23:50

Wtf is wrong with him? It's your home too, and you can offer help to a woman and child fleeing an abusive marriage if you want to. Find and ring the local women's refuge, see if they can help tonight. If not, and if it seems safe, bring them home with you tonight, and help them sort somewhere else tomorrow. Kick DH out if he's still being an arse, he'll be far safer on the streets than they will.

Alargeoneplease89 · 14/02/2023 23:52

ltappleby · 14/02/2023 22:57

Just to give another side - when I was a young child (6 or 7) my mother put one of her friends up for the night, the friend was hiding from her abusive husband. He turned up in the middle of the night kicking and hammering on the door, roaring for her to give his wife back. I was terrified and never forgotten it.

Can completely understand that, as I was in the same situation, hence my post being pro DH. Its a truly difficult situation sometimes and as they say good deeds don't go unpunished.

OP I hope your colleague is okay, it must be a difficult situation for you.

billy1966 · 14/02/2023 23:53

Married to a man like that, YOU are just the type of woman that might need such help.

Your husband is a disgrace.

WHY does he get to decide who stays in your home in such a situation.

He sounds like an absolute bully.

IMO he is one ugly man.

Let this be a warning to you about who YOU live with.

I could NEVER look at my husband again if he responded to a woman and child in clear need like that.