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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Echobelly · 14/02/2023 22:20

My guess is the OP's DH is worried they'll end up staying significantly more than one night.... and the chances are they would (even if genuinely not intending to), but I think if someone's desperate enough to throw themselves on a colleague they don't even know that well one should take that chance if one can accomodate.

BadNomad · 14/02/2023 22:20

Do you have children in the house? Is he worried about her violent husband turning up? Why did she not go to a hotel where there are cameras and security rather than a random colleague's house? Many, many questions.

quietnightmare · 14/02/2023 22:20

Maybe you should leave your husband and run off with this woman

Starseeking · 14/02/2023 22:21

I really don't understand why your DH is being so hostile towards a vulnerable woman and pre-teen child. His attitude seems really odd.

At the very least he could agree to let them stay just for the night, then ask that your colleague looks into refuges etc in the morning.

Teaandtoast3 · 14/02/2023 22:21

Your OH can piss off imo.

TimeToFlyNow · 14/02/2023 22:22

He wouldn't even let them in the house? I wouldnt be able to look at him again without thinking what a dick

Twilight7777 · 14/02/2023 22:24

I’d be turfing the ‘D’H out and getting the lady and child in. To go to a colleague she must be utterly desperate.

OhwhyOY · 14/02/2023 22:25

@Roarlikealiontonight take them home with you, tell her if there's any issue with your DH you'll deal with it, and reassure her and her daughter they are safe for the night. Then ask your DH how he'd feel if this was his mother or daughter in this situation. As others have said, if he isn't comfortable being there with them maybe he can find somewhere else to stay for the night. Then in slower time maybe try to understand why on earth he thinks it is OK to leave a vulnerable woman and child out in the cold. Like others, I'd be worried what this says about his character :-(

butterfliedtwo · 14/02/2023 22:25

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 14/02/2023 21:34

I would be helping her to a hotel, but I would be very cautious having her in my home if there was even the slightest chance she was followed, or her husband might know where I lived. I wouldn’t be inviting trouble near my home where my children live, but I would support her in other ways.

I agree with this.

mswales · 14/02/2023 22:28

Fucking hell your husband is horrific. I wouldn't be able to be with someone that treated a vulnerable scared person and child this way.

Finallyfree41 · 14/02/2023 22:29

My guess (executive victim here) is that she’s come to you as her ex is less likely to find her if you’re only acquaintances. Say yes. You may save her life

Finallyfree41 · 14/02/2023 22:30

Finallyfree41 · 14/02/2023 22:29

My guess (executive victim here) is that she’s come to you as her ex is less likely to find her if you’re only acquaintances. Say yes. You may save her life

Sorry that should say ex domestic violence victim

ConcordeOoter · 14/02/2023 22:30

You are not being unreasonable.

Neither is he. He does not have to consent to some random people he doesn't know sleeping in his home and bringing who knows what level of drama or even danger to it, and his consent can be withheld for any reason or none at all.

The thing to do in this situation is discuss it and persuade the other adult(s) in household to do the charitable thing, and maybe dig your heels in a bit if necessary.

Soubriquet · 14/02/2023 22:31

You dh sounds awful.

We don’t have room here, but I know if a woman we knew turned up at the door crying because of something happening at home, he would open the door in a heart beat.

TaraMock · 14/02/2023 22:33

Her DD being 12 changes nothing. I can't believe your DH wouldn't let her in, that's awful. The poor woman! Imagine all she's going through & he tears her like that he should be ashamed of himself.

TaraMock · 14/02/2023 22:33

Tears = treats

JustDrama · 14/02/2023 22:36

Does DH know your friend by any chance?

XanaduKira · 14/02/2023 22:38

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/02/2023 21:31

I would have at least let her come in the house but DH was insisting she couldn’t

Bloody hell, OP. I'd be seriously re-thinking my view of my DH in the light of this if he were my DH. Not even letting them come into the house??

Yes - this! And agreeing with everything else that's been said also. He's vile.

Beagle15 · 14/02/2023 22:42

What would be most disgusting to me is how he’s refusing shelter to a displaced, scared child.

Maybe I’d be being unreasonable, but if my husband did that, I’d have some serious questions around continuing the relationship. Who turns away a child?!

747jumbo · 14/02/2023 22:43

Everybody saying your DH is abusive are just scoring points. He is actually thinking things through. I'm not saying he's right but we saw it in our previous house. The violent ex would come round at 2 or 3 in the morning screaming and banging on everyone's door. He accosted the friend, in the street, the police were called, there was violence and damage to cars and homes.

Also many women go back once the fight is over - and tell the DH where they've been (if he's abusive he'll see it as you siding with her ). And who is she? Is she drunk, on drugs, did she cause the fight, is she a drama queen or violent herself. No-one here knows anything. At all. Yet they are quick to call OP's husband an abusive prick.

The coffee shop has given OP a chance to get a clearer picture. A bed for the night might be he right thing. Or it might not be.
I hope she's alright and that OP is able to help her. She will need a lot of support - but that doesn't mean OP's husband is wrong to think before acting especially if his children are in the house.

TheCatterall · 14/02/2023 22:47

He wouldn’t let a vulnerable mother and child stay for one night? What an absolute arsehole. Fingers crossed you can help
her @Roarlikealiontonight

is he normally so insensitive to others plight?

would he do the same to yours or his family if they turned up on the doorstep?

LadyLapsang · 14/02/2023 22:47

A relative of mine who did voluntary work at CAB in the 1970s once brought a totally unknown mother and her children back for the night when the woman was fleeing an abusive relationship. I think you should help her get a hotel room if your DH won’t have her back. Don’t give her no option but to go back home.

Soakitup37 · 14/02/2023 22:50

It really is circumstantial, I’ve known people
where dv follows them and they find it easy to fall back into a dangerous situation, it’s incredibly frustrating. Never knowing if your efforts are wasted, I would have to wonder why she’s gone to a colleague, not to a hotel herself etc.

that she knew where the colleague lived? She could tell the ex partner where she is under duress inviting the issue to ops door. If they have children it endangers them.

I would need to know the circumstances before I could make an informed decision, if I thought her staying with me was a risk to her or myself /children I would absolutely assist in finding her woman’s aid’s contact info, a hotel for the night or to stay with me if I felt appropriate and to reach out to the police if need be.

there’s a HUGE difference between a domestic where they’ve towed and she’s walked out or when hes actively threatened to kill her. And to walk out so aimlessly suggests this wasn’t just a bicker.

Tldr: I would help 100% but in what capacity would very much depend on circumstances.

LilacLemur · 14/02/2023 22:51

@JustDrama I was also wondering if he "knew" the friend.

Teaandtoast3 · 14/02/2023 22:51

@747jumbo he wouldn’t even let them
in the house for a cuppa while they discussed it. To me that’s abhorrent. I personally couldn’t live with someone like that. No one is trying to score points so I don’t know where you got that from.

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