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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 14/02/2023 21:36

ElonsMusky · 14/02/2023 21:31

Your husband probably doesn't want her SO to come over looking for a fight which will end up forcing him to get involved. You're not the one who will get punched in the face by the drunken lover of your friend so you can't see his side of things.

Exactly, speaks volumes that she hasn't gone to family or friends because she will be back with him in a few days and the hubby will be looking to batter your DH.

Looking at the replies imaging a role reversal - my husband's not very close work colleague has come crying to the door as he has been kicked outwith his teen, I said no I wouldn't feel safe and I'm being called insensitive- the replies would be alot different.

drpet49 · 14/02/2023 21:36

Alargeoneplease89 · 14/02/2023 21:26

I can see it from his point of view, abit, if the husband is aggressive, who do you think he's going to fight?
Is there a reason she hasn't gone to family or close friends? I couldn't imagine doing to a colleagues.

Obviously would have left her in though and discussed options with her and made sure she was OK

I agree with this. Why has she approached a colleague for help. Strange.

Bemyclementine · 14/02/2023 21:37

@Roarlikealiontonight something you could help her with, call your local authority out of hours homeless number. They will ask for some info - they will need to know that she hadms a deoendant child and has left an abusive relationship. They will then have a duty to provide her with accommodation for the night - we are using travelogde etc for this sort of thing.

dontputitthere · 14/02/2023 21:37

I mean this in the nicest way but what the fuck is wrong with your dickhead husband?

I couldn't get past that sorry.

Hope your friend is okay. Glad she has at least one person she can turn to.

From a practical point of view womens aid? Local police might have a unit? Just trying to think who might be able to help her further. Other mumsnetters will hopefully know more

JennyDarlingRIP · 14/02/2023 21:41

I'd have her in my home in a heart beat. I worked with victims and then perpetrators of domestic violence for years and DH is experienced in working with high risk individuals and complex mental health. Very very few DA perps would confront never mind attack another individual, let alone another male. We have cameras and can dial 999 if needed. As for my DS, I'd want him to learn you do everything you can to help vulnerable people in need, you don't just say not my problem and push a terrified woman and child out onto the street.
It would cause significant issues in my marriage if my husband ever reacted the way yours had, but I know whole heartedly that he wouldn't.

gazpachosoupday · 14/02/2023 21:41

drpet49 · 14/02/2023 21:36

I agree with this. Why has she approached a colleague for help. Strange.

Show quote history

I would guess if she is being abused, she probably has been isolated away from her friends and family, so doesnt have anyone else to turn to

JennyDarlingRIP · 14/02/2023 21:42

The perp comes looking for a fight, you keep your doors closed and dial 999.
It's no excuse not to help

Simonjt · 14/02/2023 21:45

Just remember if you help her find a hotel, use your card, while transactions take a few days to show, some banking apps give almost instant alerts when money leaves an account.

quietnightmare · 14/02/2023 21:46

Hmmm random situation. At minimum there should of been no objection for her to come in for a coffee especially with her daughter. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine this was you wouldn't you just hope someone would help you. You clearly come across to this woman as a strong safe kind person and your DH needs to respect that

Onthewaves · 14/02/2023 21:48

Because if she genuinely is scared then no, she can't go to her mum's, or her best friends etc. A trusted work colleague is exactly where you would go.

She has her child with her. Just imagine that fear. Look at Emma Pattison. Awful situations aren't always clear.

I don't think I could ever respect my husband again and I think if you look clearly it shows you exactly what he thinks about women.

cherry2727 · 14/02/2023 21:51

Omg what a heartless man !

ItchyBillco · 14/02/2023 21:58

You H is a monster.

SD1978 · 14/02/2023 22:00

Hey does he feel so strongly that she can not come I or stay, does he have any rationale he's tried to give at all? It's seems really fecking heartless to turn away a person and their child from the door. If you take them back with you, will they be able to stay?

bonzaitree · 14/02/2023 22:01

A good compromise is you and your DH find a hotel for a couple of nights and help your colleague speak to police/ womens aid etc

Mariposista · 14/02/2023 22:03

Your poor friend!
Your husband is an absolute arsehole. How on Earth would he feel if it were his sister/niece (not sure if he has these family members but anyway), mother, grandmother with nowhere to go with an upset child?

Loafbeginsat60 · 14/02/2023 22:03

Jesus that's awful, mean spirited and downright cruel.

My dh would have been making up beds or at the very least coffee and asking what he could do to help. Wouldn't most people??

maddy68 · 14/02/2023 22:05

He a dick. Mine would have brought her bags inside and made the spare room bed up !

lovemypuppa · 14/02/2023 22:09

Utterly shameful behaviour from your husband. Let us know how you get on and hope your colleague is ok.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 14/02/2023 22:11

You're married to a prick.

grumpycow1 · 14/02/2023 22:11

Wow. He sounds awful. (Your DH I mean)

Kranke · 14/02/2023 22:12

I don’t think it’s as black and white as people are posting. I’m not sure I would like a random colleague of my husbands turning up late at night with our children here if we both don’t know them.
I may be in a different mindset as I once was in the position of the OP and it definitely wasn’t the situation I thought it was, as I found out at 4 in the morning and it did not end well.
Luckily we are in a position we could afford to pay for a night at a local hotel for them. Then reconvene in the morning.

Blablablanamechangagain · 14/02/2023 22:14

drpet49 · 14/02/2023 21:36

I agree with this. Why has she approached a colleague for help. Strange.

Show quote history

Maybe because her friends and family aren't safe as he knows where they are...

Perhaps she has no friends or family as her husband has made her isolated...

Dinkeigh · 14/02/2023 22:15

Wow he's a piece of work. Anything could have happened and he's just fucked her off immediately. It might have taken her years to take that leap!

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 14/02/2023 22:18

Your husband is a disgrace of a human being. I wouldn’t leave a stranger on the street with a child let alone a colleague/friend!

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 14/02/2023 22:19

maddy68 · 14/02/2023 22:05

He a dick. Mine would have brought her bags inside and made the spare room bed up !

Same here!