To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

[Roarlikealiontonight]

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

Threatening in what way? Threatening your safety? I'm not sure I could come back from this if it were my DH.

There have already been several posts accusing the husband of having an affair with the woman and suggesting that's why she went to OP's house.

I hope you and your friend are all doing OK 💐

My friend died from domestic violence. I wish I had gotten the chance to offer her my house. She never got the courage to leave him. It cost her her life. People tend to brush DV under the rug, meanwhile women are dying. If later on you find out she was killed would you stay married to a man who left your friend with no other options but to go back to her abuser or risk homelessness?
He's not just unkind. He's cruel. I'd be willing to divorce someone over that. In fact, that's why my ex and I broke up. He lacked sympathy for my friend after her death saying she had it coming for not leaving. I never saw him the same after that.

Red flags. I don't want to say anything offensive... But talk to your daughter. There might be something you don't know or want to see about him. Is he always a jerk? Is your daughter afraid of him? Does she keep her night light on? Tell you nightmares?
Sometimes we are afraid to disappoint our mom. Especially if she looks happy.

Am I only one who thinks maybe her husband dosent eant to risk aggro from another guy and he dosent know her and no idea what happened between them?

She is a fully grown woman with a car, why didnt she just drive up to HolidayInn and stay there,jnlikely that her man would come make a fuss either in public hotel.

I am with the husband on this one, if she needs protection from her man she needs to report the situation to the police,if she needs a night away and think things through she needs to go to a hotel. Why get other people involved?

Am I only one who thinks maybe her husband dosent eant to risk aggro from another guy and he dosent know her and no idea what happened between them?

No, you're not the only one. If you had actually read the thread, I think that would have been quite clear.

Personally, I find it depressing to see just how many people think like you and would be willing to turn a blind eye to a woman and child in a desperate situation.

Not blind eye but why get other people involved in your relationship drama, if you truly believe you are in danger you go to the police, i would,i would make sure that person gets nowhere near me and my child. I would also go to somewhere like holiday inn over someones home,i would get to be intrusive and land unexpected and uninvited at someones doorstep,i would not be comfortable taking my time in the bathroom etc, perhaps my child being messy in someone elses opinion etc, so much easier just to get a room and be on your own make phone calls that need to be done etc. If that guy of hers is some loonatic why would the OPs husvand want to get involved? She is a work colleague of his wife,not her sister or his sister etc which would likely be different matter then.

Your brother is your family tho so not the same situation at all,i would expect my brother and my dad to protect me from n abusive man too. Not a colleagues husband tho lol

Well, good for you that you would have access to the financial resources to be able to go to the Holiday Inn. Unfortunately, not everyone would.

I get it, though. Some people don't want to get involved because it isn't their problem. They don't want to inconvenience themselves or accept even the slightest risk for something that doesn't directly affect them. They just don't see why they should.

It's a perfectly legal and logical position and if that's how you want to live your life, then it's entirely your choice and I hope it works out for you.

For me, that approach represents a world view that I find repugnant. It's totally contrary to my values, and if my DH showed me that that was how he saw the world and his responsibilities in it, then I would find it difficult to carry on the relationship.

I'm the same, one night would absolutely be understandable. First day the only action would be contacting women's aid, the police and kids school to let them know, ant contact with work would only be h.r to let know neither would be in that day to get things sorted and make sure she had support. Day 3 of neither op or colleague doing anything but living like flatmates with the kids and work/school as normal? And what exactly was 'threatening' about the dh texts?

But why should your brother protect you if it doesn't directly affect him? Why should he potentially put himself and his own family at risk when it's your problem, not his? If you're going to go with the idea of putting your own interests first, regardless of what's happening to anyone else, why would the mere fact of sharing parents make any real difference to that?

I presume that you think your brother would have some responsibility in this situation because he's family. For me, I think we have a responsibility just because we're human.

I would love to know where in the country coffee shops are open at 9:30pm?

I find repugnant that women here keep trying to shame other women into putting themselves and their families into potentially dangerous positions so they don't look heartless and are not "responsible for someone's death", even if they are not comfortable with it. Totally disregarding past traumas, experiences, present and future risks etc.

Sounds very much like "be kind" and "be a good gorl" on steroids on here.

Help can be provided without providing accomodation to your and others in it, detriment.

Yes, help can be provided in ways that don't include physically accommodating someone. That isn't the point. The point is that the DH refused to even let the woman in and told the OP to not go to the cafe to meet her and not to get involved.

I can't quite see how help can be provided if someone chooses not to get involved.

And yes, personally I do find that approach to be morally repugnant in either a man or a woman.

Also great how family vs acquaintance difference gets disregarded, how there is masaive abuse, yet we were actually not told that at all. We were told "she felt unsafe".
Anything so eople can tell other women how terrible humans they are.

Frnkly, I think this was "good" piece of writing, hit the right notes, it makes sense now that that is all it was, but still manages to give people good stick to beat women with.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I'm curious to know how far that selflessness goes for you. For example, would you run into a burning building to rescue a stranger even if it meant you might die and leave your child without a mother? I'm sure some people would, but I think most people wouldn't.

I personally think it's natural for people to put their important people first. Their children, their partner. I think it's natural to not want to get involved in other people's dangerous circumstances. I actually think it's rather selfish to put other people before your own loved ones.

Not blind eye but why get other people involved in your relationship drama,

@Bloopsie Exactly. It's not just if your husband is beating the shit out of you. Why get people involved in any aspect of your life or drama as you put it?

There's no need to ask people for directions now we have phones. When my elderly neighbour asked me for help turning the key in her front door she could have easily looked up a YouTube video on hand strengthening exercises. If you're short, as I am, there is no need to bother tall people in the supermarket by asking them to reach things on the top shelf. You could just take a stick out with you and knock them down.

The more I think about it the more I realise what a wonderful world yours would be.

I used to know a lovely Christian couple who would bring homeless men into their house to help them get back on their feet (organised through the church). Three separate men sexually abused their autistic daughter during those stays. But it didn't stop them. They had the spare room and it was the kind thing to do.

I'm sorry, but it really isn't kind to put your own family at risk for other people. I'd rather see a homeless man on the street than my daughter getting abuse. I'd rather see a woman and child stay in a hotel than risk a violent man coming to my door.

Hope op and friend are ok.

Ok so he has already been accused several times of shagging this woman that as far as we know he has never even laid eyes on. Now he is being accused of harming his own child. And you wonder why he didn’t want them in the house??????

the story made the papers , they stayed for far longer than ‘1 night’ we don’t even know if they have left even now. He has been called an abuser and worse . I just can’t figure out why he didn’t want to be involved…..

also to everyone saying ‘he didn’t let them in for even a cup of tea’. How exactly do you propose he got them out after the cup of tea? Even when he refused all contact with them , they still took over his house for several days. Please tell me how this would have played out any differently if he had offered them a cup of tea? Would they have chugged it and left perhaps?

If someones husband is beating them as soon as out of the house and in safe place- you need to call the police right? I would assume the police would arrest the guy and she would not have to leave her home.

Maybe OPs husband is one of these people who does not like confontration and dosent want trouble at his door, what if the colleagues husband is so violent that he will bring a knife with him,is OPs husband supposed to risk his life? No,if there is domestic violence report it to the police who will make sure he will harm no one.

Mine would also tell me not to get involved. He knows I would but he would very much say no to them staying. I wouldn't be disregarding his feelings about people in house he lives in, but I know even with his protests I would at least meet her outside like op did.
He is compassionate but he does put my wellbeing above others. But he would most likely be VERY displeased if I totally ignored him and brought people in anyway. He couldn't go to his family, but he would be very disappointed in my disregard of his feelings. I would too if shoe was on the other foot.

Quite! Am surprised no ones then brought up maybe op and the woman are actually having the secret affair and now the husband has chosen to leave the home they can both just live there happily! The presumptions made from such little information!

When my elderly neighbour asked me for help turning the key in her front door she could have easily looked up a YouTube video on hand strengthening exercises.

Presumably she wanted to get into the house then and there. Not go somewhere and practice hand strengthening exercises for a few weeks before getting into her front door.

How would she even look up the videos if her computer and phone charger were in the house?