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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/02/2023 21:25

Simonjt · 14/02/2023 21:23

She is a stranger to the OPs husband

Show quote history

Yes, but not to the OP. If he doesn't trust his wife's judgement in that situation, then there are clearly bigger issues in the relationship.

My DH would never be so cruel as to send a vulnerable woman packing just because he had never met her!

Alargeoneplease89 · 14/02/2023 21:26

I can see it from his point of view, abit, if the husband is aggressive, who do you think he's going to fight?
Is there a reason she hasn't gone to family or close friends? I couldn't imagine doing to a colleagues.

Obviously would have left her in though and discussed options with her and made sure she was OK

Christmaspyjamas · 14/02/2023 21:26

Well done OP. You could perhaps help find a hotel...not letting her stay is one thing but not letting her in the house or meeting her was a step too far by the husband.

Middletoleft · 14/02/2023 21:26

If that was my husband he'd be getting a flea in his ear with an attitude like that.

Please tell him in no uncertain terms that you are getting involved. She came to you as your someone she can trust.

3luckystars · 14/02/2023 21:27

Poor woman. Can you help her find a place to stay if she can’t stay in your house?

DottyLittleRainbow · 14/02/2023 21:28

Your husband is being a complete dick unless there’s a huge backstory here.

Let her stay with you for the night, find out what she is running from, help her seek the appropriate support.

Where does your DH expect them to sleep, her car?

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:28

I would have at least let her come in the house but DH was insisting she couldn’t. Literally just about to drive now (literally in the car right now) to the coffee shop. Going to make sure she’s ok first and then go through options and deal with DH later. Her DD is 12 if that changes anything.

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 14/02/2023 21:28

He’s beyond heartless.

MonicaFree · 14/02/2023 21:29

Maybe she thought you’d understand, what with your H and all.

ChickenDhansak82 · 14/02/2023 21:30

She is a frightened woman and child that you know.

Your DH is being ridiculous. Of course they should be able to stay.

If he is refusing then use your DH money to pay for a hotel so that they are safe.

Hope they're OK x

HateEatingInTheDark · 14/02/2023 21:30

Tell your husband he has to find a hotel if he doesnt like it

MadMadMadamMim · 14/02/2023 21:30

I can't believe your DH is so unpleasant and uncaring. That would be an eye opener for me, and make me re-evaluate our whole relationship.

Yes, he's in the wrong and utterly insensitive. It would never have occurred to my DH to turn anyone who needed help away - but particularly not a woman and a child, and particularly not at night.

But then I'm married to someone kind and not an utter dickhead.

EarringsandLipstick · 14/02/2023 21:30

Irrelevant question but where are you that has coffee shops open now?

But your H attitude is shocking. In the moment, tonight, she needs help - good God, she's here with her small child, asking a colleague for help! If you can let her stay, you must.

Everything else eg what happens next can be sorted tomorrow. The idea that she'll never leave & be there for months is silly.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/02/2023 21:31

I would have at least let her come in the house but DH was insisting she couldn’t

Bloody hell, OP. I'd be seriously re-thinking my view of my DH in the light of this if he were my DH. Not even letting them come into the house??

ElonsMusky · 14/02/2023 21:31

Your husband probably doesn't want her SO to come over looking for a fight which will end up forcing him to get involved. You're not the one who will get punched in the face by the drunken lover of your friend so you can't see his side of things.

PinkSyCo · 14/02/2023 21:32

Wow what a rude, hostile, mean spirited pig your husband is. I could not live with someone like him.

Tallulahss · 14/02/2023 21:32

I wander why he's so dead against it from the second she asked?? A bit strange?

Roundabout78 · 14/02/2023 21:33

Wouldn’t even let her in? Is he the boss? He sounds like an absolute prick, OP. Insensitive doesn’t even cover it.
you otoh sound caring and lovely. Hope your colleagues ok.

Logburnerperils · 14/02/2023 21:33

Na i am with your husband. Don't let randos who are not in a fit state of mind in your house.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/02/2023 21:33

ElonsMusky · 14/02/2023 21:31

Your husband probably doesn't want her SO to come over looking for a fight which will end up forcing him to get involved. You're not the one who will get punched in the face by the drunken lover of your friend so you can't see his side of things.

If the ex appears, surely you don't open the door and call the police?

Runningonjammiedodgers · 14/02/2023 21:34

I think the only reasonable thing to do is let her stay tonight, call your boss tomorrow and explain the situation for both of you then spend the morning helping her get sorted.

I do think your DH is being unreasonable, though maybe he is worried that she might end up living with you on the short to medium term if she ends up on a council list.

How well does DH know her or her husband?

Onthewaves · 14/02/2023 21:34

He's a twat. Decent men don't do this. Decent men don't put women and kids on the street.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 14/02/2023 21:34

I would be helping her to a hotel, but I would be very cautious having her in my home if there was even the slightest chance she was followed, or her husband might know where I lived. I wouldn’t be inviting trouble near my home where my children live, but I would support her in other ways.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/02/2023 21:35

Logburnerperils · 14/02/2023 21:33

Na i am with your husband. Don't let randos who are not in a fit state of mind in your house.

Nope, you're right. Much better that a terrified woman and a child should have nowhere to stay for the night than that OP's H should be involved in a (hypothetical) fight. After all, he's the important one here, isn't he?

Bubblebubblebah · 14/02/2023 21:35

I am pretty sure I know what he is thinking. I was threatened by a husband of my friend when she run to me and I let her stay (again and again she went back and I ended up being the bad guy who tried to break them up).
Hard situation