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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH regrets baby name

181 replies

regretter · 14/02/2023 15:38

It's a long long story, but basically my H regrets the name we've given our DD. She's now 6 months old.

I suppose I pushed for the name more than he did, however he did agree to use it. It's a lovely name and not at all weird.

What would you do about this? There's no way we can change the name and I think it's just unhelpful to even mention the dislike / regret, as we won't do anything about it. It's just his way of getting at me, I think.

I usually let him make decisions/ final calls on stuff, because if I make the final call and he isn't sure, I never hear the end of it. He calls me a cop out, but I just can't be bothered to hear him complain if he doesn't like something. With the name thing, the final call was mine in a way, although he absolutely agreed we should just go with it.

OP posts:
Floomobal · 15/02/2023 13:17

The other day he nearly had a meltdown because we had no toilet paper.

You have bigger issues than the name of your baby. Your husband is a dick.

WilsonMilson · 15/02/2023 13:19

This is not about the name. It’s about him undermining you because he didn’t make the final decision.

Tell him he had his chance, that you love it and it’s staying. Don’t hear another word on the subject, and start being more assertive generally. He sounds like a right twat.

rothbury · 15/02/2023 13:25

Why are you still with this arsehole?

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2023 13:26

You should have left him long ago. This is really going to have a negative effect on your DD. I hope for her sake you get her out of that house. Are you going to tell her to just get on with it, teach her how to appease him, minimise his behaviour and teach her how to walk on eggshells? Great future she has.

TonTonMacoute · 15/02/2023 13:29

butterfliedtwo · 14/02/2023 15:49

He sounds exhausting. Agree this isn't about the name. He's annoyed to not have gotten his way.

Tell him he agreed, it's her name, and that's it.

This. This is about control and you need to stand up to it.

bonzaitree · 15/02/2023 13:31

MotherOfHouseplants · 15/02/2023 12:19

Baby name regret threads are almost never about the name and this is no exception. You sound like you deeply dislike your husband, OP.

No it sounds like he dislikes her and OP is literally trying her best

JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome · 15/02/2023 13:33

You have 3 options:

Change it....you say not an option
Your DH just sucks it up and gets on with it....sounds like he won't
You come up with a shortened version or nickname you are both happy with

Justmeandthedog1 · 15/02/2023 13:39

It's just his way of getting at me, I think.

I usually let him make decisions/ final calls on stuff, because if I make the final call and he isn't sure, I never hear the end of it. He calls me a cop out, but I just can't be bothered to hear him complain if he doesn't like something.

Say if we choose anything for the house, he'll ask for my opinion, we go back and forth- but if we can end up going with ' my ' pick and he doesn't like it- I never hear the end of it.

Same for holidays/ any kind of trip. If he didn't really want to go on it or whatever, but then decided to do it, I never ever hear the end of it- for the entire trip. He just ruins it.

I think your problems are bigger than him not liking your child’s name 6 months on.
His behaviour seems passive aggressive and manipulative to me.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 15/02/2023 13:47

@regretter

Your husband whinges about the name as just a way of 'getting at you.' Why does he want to 'get at you?'

Most of your posts suggest - as many posters have said - that your DH is a bit of a twat.

@Pinkypurplecloud

What would happen if you said “Yes, you’re completely right, we shouldn’t have called her Lilly, we should have called her Emily. Let me know when you’ve sorted out the paperwork, birth certificate, passport, bank account details, doctors and nhs records, nursery records etc etc and notified the family and I’ll start calling her Emily. Ball is in your court, but I’m not listening to any more on the subject.”

My hunch is he’d do bugger all about it, he’s just using it as a stick to beat you with. I’d be reconsidering being with someone so miserable.

This. ^ In spades.

It's like when my DH moans about something he is not happy with, I fire at him with all barrels, and say 'get your fucking arse off the couch and away from the TV for 5 minutes and do something about it then,' He soon shuts up. Men do have this habit of moaning and whining about things, but doing absolutely fuck all to change anything. Just tell him to shut the fuck up or he will have divorce papers slapped in his face!

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 15/02/2023 13:48

bonzaitree · 15/02/2023 13:31

No it sounds like he dislikes her and OP is literally trying her best

Show quote history

100% this. It's the OP's husband who sounds like he doesn't like HER very much. Not her who doesn't like him. (Though no-one would blame her if she didn't like him.)

pinkyredrose · 15/02/2023 13:52

Where did you find this fine specimen of manhood?

LucyAnnna · 15/02/2023 13:55

This reply has been deleted

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Isithotinhere · 15/02/2023 13:57

Do you think he'll treat your daughter the way he treats you, because as others have said he's a dick.

I don't know why you would live with constant criticism, but you really need to think why you would expose your child to it. Even if he doesn't undermine her, she'll have to watch him undermine you.

SiennaT · 15/02/2023 13:59

This is how this goes long term (trust me I’ve lived it with a controlling, gaslighting man).

eventually you’ll resent him (sounds like you are starting to already), then you’ll withdraw (lack of emotional and physical intimacy) and then you’ll be miserable or you’ll leave and do what’s best for you.

Hold your boundaries of the way you expect to be treated. If you don’t, this will be your life. If you do and he doesn’t like it, he can piss off and you’ll be happier.

MotherOfHouseplants · 15/02/2023 14:05

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 15/02/2023 13:48

100% this. It's the OP's husband who sounds like he doesn't like HER very much. Not her who doesn't like him. (Though no-one would blame her if she didn't like him.)

Show quote history

It wasn't a criticism. I wouldn't like him either.

queenMab99 · 15/02/2023 14:10

My exhusband always had difficulty choosing anything, mattresses, colour schemes, clothes, he would finally make up his mind, then he would regret it and find fault in what ever it was, once it was too late. He even decided there was something wrong with our new born's left arm, he said it was slightly smaller than the right one! and I had to threaten divorce if he mentioned it again. (There was nothing wrong with our child at all) If it was something I had decided or chosen he was even worse. Eventually after 22 years he decided I wasn't as attractive as he had thought, and had an affair, I divorced him.

Mumsanetta · 15/02/2023 14:15

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Really wish journos would fuck off away from MN and stop using it to feed their articles.

OP has posted about her controlling and twat of a DH anonymously on a forum. Highly doubt she wants to have a conversation with the papers about it.

GCAcademic · 15/02/2023 14:17

Mumsanetta · 15/02/2023 14:15

Really wish journos would fuck off away from MN and stop using it to feed their articles.

OP has posted about her controlling and twat of a DH anonymously on a forum. Highly doubt she wants to have a conversation with the papers about it.

Show quote history

Report it. I have.

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 14:27

This reply has been deleted

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You just be new here. Bad move, Lucy Anna Gray, very bad move.

candyfloss89 · 15/02/2023 15:43

OP, go back through your posts in this thread and read what you've written about him. What would you advise a friend if she wrote the same?

The name issue is the tip of the iceberg.

Wearingatshirt · 15/02/2023 15:48

He's trying to wear you down until you agree to change it. Everytime he mentions it just say its what you both agreed on and its too late to change it. I had one of these men, couldn't make a decision but didn't want me to make it either. Fucking pain in the arse and makes life miserable whilst grinding you down until they get their way like an adult child.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2023 16:35

regretter · 14/02/2023 16:55

He would never even suggest any of that. He won't ever change it, because that would be admitting we made a mistake. If I said, I agree that we made a mistake, he'll berate me even more. It's just silly.

It's his personality though to always be looking at the past and things that can't be changed and talk about how he regrets them. It's really annoying because I really don't like to do that. It's wasted energy

Show quote history

And yet you're raising a fancy with him.

You don't seem to like him very much and your relationship sounds miserable.

He won't change it so I'd go for whatever gets least response from him, as this is a strategy you'll need for the rest of your time together.

Swish1980 · 15/02/2023 17:59

Oh OP. I've been where you are. A year after I married my soon to be ex husband, I had my doubts about our relationship. We'd been together for 3 years at that point.

I left him just over a year ago, with our son, as I realised his behaviour was abusive. This

Swish1980 · 15/02/2023 18:00

Is only going to get worse. I'm now working through an incredibly acrimonious divorce and family court battle.

Read up on the Power and Control wheel and see how much fits you. I regret not leaving sooner, it took me 3 years to leave. We'd been together 14 years when I finally did.

Rufusroo · 15/02/2023 18:02

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen ·
this is so true in my case. Having the children did make me see that my marriage wasn’t the idyll that I always told myself it was. I stayed for their sake and because he wasn’t a bad father and they were better off being in a family unit. But then he had an affair and I still stayed. The DC left home and still I stayed. It’s got to the stage now where I didn’t have the guts to leave then so I just put up with it. But if it was my DD in this position I would do anything to persuade her to leave