DH regrets baby name

[regretter]

It's a long long story, but basically my H regrets the name we've given our DD. She's now 6 months old.

I suppose I pushed for the name more than he did, however he did agree to use it. It's a lovely name and not at all weird.

What would you do about this? There's no way we can change the name and I think it's just unhelpful to even mention the dislike / regret, as we won't do anything about it. It's just his way of getting at me, I think.

I usually let him make decisions/ final calls on stuff, because if I make the final call and he isn't sure, I never hear the end of it. He calls me a cop out, but I just can't be bothered to hear him complain if he doesn't like something. With the name thing, the final call was mine in a way, although he absolutely agreed we should just go with it.

Typical statement from an abusive, controlling narcissist- ‘you’re too sensitive’

You’ll never satisfy him, no matter what you do or say. I’ve met people like this before. The only way to win is not to play the game - don’t engage whatsoever. Don’t comment, don’t disagree, don’t agree, don’t respond. Remove yourself from the situation or simply ignore him.

Thats the easier option. The harder option is having a go at him about his behaviour, but I’d quite understand why you don’t want to do that. So, ignore all comments about the name or anything else said or done to unsettle you. Once you know why they’re doing it, it’s easier to detach yourself from the situation emotionally. It’s a game, don’t play it.

I know.

I kowtow to no one, and can't imagine doing so.

Of course she keeps her name; it belongs to her. But vast numbers of people
live very happily under a nickname or some abbreviated/altered version of their "real" name. Or some other name they prefer.

Apparently I take it too seriously when he does it and I'm too sensitive to it. He says I should stop caring about what he thinks and it's just his personality when he's in a mood.

Have you asked him why he thinks it's your job to manage his moods, rather than his?

He is an abuser. I hope you get the strength to leave and start the rest of your life in peace.

One day you may well find you’re happier without him as a partner

And this is only going to get worse. You've got 18 years of this to look forward to on every single parenting decision. I feel nervous just thinking about you choosing a school for your baby.

Well, he’s a grade A prick and sucker of joy, isn’t he? Is there any reason you can’t just shut all of these down by saying “Suck it up, Buttercup”, “well, go and get some toilet paper”, “why would anyone want to have sex with an arse?” Just fling it right back at him.

Op. It does sound like he undermines you at times. Just because you’re a more laid back person doesn’t mean you are a cop out. He sounds like a brat if he needs his way all of the time. Ps I bet it’s a beautiful name.

Hey op don’t leave the thread - he’s very controlling - how can you ignore him - why doesn’t he shut the f… uk instead of putting the ounous on you.

Ho do you tolerate this total manchild?

Are you not tempted to ask him to use a different personality or it's over?

No way should you consider changing the name.
Can't believe people would even suggest that.
He agreed to the name, it's totally unreasonable of him to be making this much fuss 6 months later.
Also your DD has probably started to get used to her name by now.

The name we ended up choosing for our DD, who is 7 months wasn't my partner's first choice.
He was indifferent about it but I really loved it and he didn't have any suggestions he was overly struck on so once she was born and we know we had a girl he agreed with it.
I've asked him since how he feels about her name now and he just says 'it's just her and I can't imagine her called anything else'.

YANBU and I think he's being an idiot to be honest.

what does he want then? he doesnt want to change her name, he doesnt want to use a middle name and he doesnt want to use a nickname. He just wants to use it as an excuse to have a moan and to continuing having a moan for years to come. this is not one of those problems without a solution, he is just positively choosing not to have one so he can use it as a weapon in arguments in the future. what a lovely, mature husband you have.

As suggested, I don't think this is just about your baby's name either.

Have a really good think about how you would like your marriage to be. It might be livable now to let him make all the main decisions, however, I promise you that as you get older you will one day decide either that you will not put up with this any longer, or that you will continue doing so but resent him and regret the life you could have had either with or without him.

I am only saying this as I have recently started working through a similar thing (though not as controlling as your issue here). To cut a long story short, I've been seeing a counsellor and my husband has been on board the whole way and is changing his behaviour. I am too. Some of our problems were his 'enthusiasm' to take charge and me just going along, but some of it (a lot) was down to me not valuing my opionion or thinking that I didn't have a preference or a voice. I do now. And I am learning to use this positively in my relationship.

Good luck.

And if it was me, I'd keep my baby's name for sure 🙂

He sounds awful. You could change your daughter’s name a hundred times but it wouldn’t change his terrible personality.

He sounds like an absolute pain in the hole. You must have the patience of a saint.

Don't change her name, he'll just moan about the new one.

If you don't think this is a splitting up issue, you need to get him to be more aware of his behaviour. You don't want DD growing up second guessing herself all the time or trying to please him.

Can you suggest he writes all his whinging and worries in a diary and once a month you'll sit down and talk through them. Hopefully he'll see just how tiring, relentless and stupid it is when he's aware of wasting his own time as well as yours.

If he agrees, you can progress to him also having to write "how do I think this whine will make my wife/child feel" so he starts to develop some empathy.

Is it about him not being able to take responsibility for choices (in case they are wrong) and thus blaming other people or outside circumstances for decisions he has made?

Or is it about him avoiding conflict and thus agreeing to things he doesn't want, but then expressing his discomfort at the result in a passive-agressive manner?

My answer would be:

"Hmm yes I regret something too. Having a baby with you it would seem"

See how sensitive he feels about that.

Yes he is being an arsehole.

Oh yes and stop bowing to his ways and decisions. Or he will get worse and worse and you'll end up with zero self esteem.

@regretter, your husband is emotionally abusive! This behaviour is designed to wear you down and make you feel crap about yourself. Telling you that you are too sensitive to his ranting is gaslighting you and making it your issue instead of his.

His complaints about lack of sex are particularly concerning because he is chipping away at your boundaries. You say no to sex = he strops and has a tantrum = you say yes to avoid his behaviour = you didn’t consent willingly. That’s coercive control and emotional abuse.

I’m sorry you’re being subjected to this. He is unlikely to change without significant intervention.

I’ve only read the OP, tell him to stop complaining. This is his child’s name, accept it and move on.

He sounds like the most miserable useless babified bell-end. What happiness and support does he bring to your life OP? Are you a SAHP that he somehow thinks you are responsible for cooking and clean sock supplies? If so I'd be getting a job as soon as your baby is old enough for nursery. You don't want to be in hock to a controlling nasty twat like that.

Put yourself in his shoes. What would the advice be then?