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Original poster

DH regrets baby name

181 replies

regretter · 14/02/2023 15:38

It's a long long story, but basically my H regrets the name we've given our DD. She's now 6 months old.

I suppose I pushed for the name more than he did, however he did agree to use it. It's a lovely name and not at all weird.

What would you do about this? There's no way we can change the name and I think it's just unhelpful to even mention the dislike / regret, as we won't do anything about it. It's just his way of getting at me, I think.

I usually let him make decisions/ final calls on stuff, because if I make the final call and he isn't sure, I never hear the end of it. He calls me a cop out, but I just can't be bothered to hear him complain if he doesn't like something. With the name thing, the final call was mine in a way, although he absolutely agreed we should just go with it.

OP posts:
FadoFado · 15/02/2023 12:06

bellswithwhistles · 15/02/2023 12:02

Put yourself in his shoes. What would the advice be then?

'maybe I should stop undermining my wife and stop chipping away at her confidence'.

CatJumperTwat · 15/02/2023 12:07

Forget the name, why are you with this man?

ButterBastardBeans · 15/02/2023 12:10

CatJumperTwat · 15/02/2023 12:07

Forget the name, why are you with this man?

This. You don't have a name problem, you have an asshole for a husband problem.

It was never about the name. It was about him finding yet another thing to weaponise against you.

See this as the final straw maybe?

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 15/02/2023 12:10

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/02/2023 11:16

I know.

I kowtow to no one, and can't imagine doing so.

Show quote history

People are different. Self worth is not something you can summon up out of thin air. I think what usually happens in these situations is:

  • you have a difficult or traumatic upbringing that makes you a raving people-pleaser;
  • you meet a needy and controlling type of fellow with some good/admirable qualities or attributes and/or some common interests,
  • they latch on because they know a good thing when they see it,
  • you bend over backwards to make them happy because that's what you're used to doing pretty much from early childhood, put your own needs, thoughts and opinions last in the endless quest of making them happy,
  • because they get everything their own way they are quite content and so life seems to be 'going well' and the relationship seems 'happy' (because the one doing all the heavy emotional lifting expects no better for themselves);
  • then you have children and the wheels come off the whole thing. Because while low self-esteem people-pleasers are happy to put up with any amount of shit around themselves, when you have a child you love SO MUCH and want only the best for, the scales fall from your eyes and you start to realise that what you've been putting up with is NOT acceptable anymore. And by extension, slowly, you start to see it never was.

And then cocky cows on MN berate you for not being as self-confident and tough as they are, and effectively say 'you've made your bed'.

gannett · 15/02/2023 12:10

regretter · 14/02/2023 15:44

It's definitely always a thing with us. Say if we choose anything for the house, he'll ask for my opinion, we go back and forth- but if we can end up going with ' my ' pick and he doesn't like it- I never hear the end of it.

Same for holidays/ any kind of trip. If he didn't really want to go on it or whatever, but then decided to do it, I never ever hear the end of it- for the entire trip. He just ruins it.

Show quote history

So why did you marry him and have a child with him?

This sort of dynamic pops up on MN all the time and it's so baffling to me. You don't seem to like this guy. For good reason, he sounds awful. I couldn't stand to be around anyone who treated me like that. Met a few guys who tried to, or gave signs that they wanted to, and that is why I dumped them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2023 12:16

Tell him he can choose the next childs name

WTF? Why would she want another baby with this controlling prick?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/02/2023 12:16

Doesn’t your DD have 2 names, eg a first and middle name? I knew someone who didn’t like (or it was too common when she started school) so she’s used her middle name as her first name ever since.

MotherOfHouseplants · 15/02/2023 12:19

Baby name regret threads are almost never about the name and this is no exception. You sound like you deeply dislike your husband, OP.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/02/2023 12:19

Based on your other posts however it seems like he’s controlling and I’ve been with a man like this (and dated another one) and it never seems to end well as you’re fighting a losing battle with him re control.

Only you can decide if this is what you want your marriage to be like. I couldn’t personally stick it, or not to the extent you seem to have it.

Climbles · 15/02/2023 12:25

My DP can be like this. He emotionally dumps all of his concerns/worries/regrets on me. He doesn’t want me to do anything but it wears me down when he ‘goes on’ about the same thing for months with no possibility of a solution. For example he constantly says how much he hates the dog and we should re-home him. When I actually engage and say it would break the kids hearts etc he agrees but then goes back to saying how much he wants rid of him, usually a couple of times a day. He just likes whingeing. It’s not very sexy.

Cherryblossoms85 · 15/02/2023 12:29

I had same issue in reverse. We couldn't agree, he refused all my suggestions and in the end I gave in to a compromise name and cried all the way home. I still hate the name and in my heart my son has another name.

MojoDaysxx · 15/02/2023 12:30

It's sounds like he just wants to blame you and put you down. If it wasnt' the babies name, it would be something else.
What are you going to do about it? Can you make a boundary?

Mumsanetta · 15/02/2023 12:34

There was a thread a couple of days ago on (another) shit husband and the OP sat her DH down, explained her position, and when the DH responded in his usual nasty way she told him that she thought they needed marriage counselling as they were failing to communicate properly. The DH immediately backed down because deep down he knew he was being a twat.

I hope you realise that this is no way to live and, if nothing changes, the only solution will be to leave him before he chips away at every single bit of your confidence and your daughter’s confidence.

Everyonehasavoice · 15/02/2023 12:40

BigglyBee · 14/02/2023 15:41

This isn't about the name, is it? It sounds like it's much more about you having the final say, rather than bowing to his superior name-choosing skills.

Ignore him.

👏👏👏👏

BenCoopersSupportWren · 15/02/2023 12:45

I could not live like this. I'd be tempted to tell him to fuck off and find someone who meets his exacting standards AND is prepared to live with a miserable, grumpy, nit-picking arsehole because he's not all that and a bag of chips.

ClairDeLaLune · 15/02/2023 12:46

He’s a twat. It’s not about the name it’s about power. He sounds like a total fun sponge going on about things. That would irritate the hell out of me. You need to have a serious talk to him about what you’ve told us.

DissidentDaughter · 15/02/2023 12:49

He sounds like he has a touch of ‘Help Rejecting Complainer’.

HRCs can be a right pain in therapeutic settings. They get their ‘fix’ by dumping their dilemmas/dramas on others for protracted discussion, then criticising the shortfalls/futility of (pretty much all) suggested solutions.

PumpkinQueen1 · 15/02/2023 12:51

I usually let him make decisions/ final calls on stuff, because if I make the final call and he isn't sure, I never hear the end of it.

He sounds truly awful and controlling. Are you sure this is how you want to live your life?

Your daughter will learn what is 'acceptable' treatment in a relationship by what she sees you putting up with.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/02/2023 12:53

He’s a cunt

FurAndFeathers · 15/02/2023 12:53

regretter · 14/02/2023 17:09

I do try to walk away / ignore it, but it really gets me. It really hurts me that he doesn't like her name now.

Also, he's grumpy in general and his moods have always affected me massively. I don't know why I am not able to ignore it. It just gets into my being somehow. He's usually grumpy about stuff I don't do- like, lack of sex, not enough great cooking, things lacking in the fridge, no socks or whatever no toilet paper etc.

I genuinely do tell him to F off. The other day he nearly had a meltdown because we had no toilet paper.

I do all these things and very occasionally fall short, but it's always picked up on and I am told he ' never ' gets dinner or he ' never ' has clean socks. Which is completely untrue.

Show quote history

The problem isn’t the name.

the problem is that your DH is a prick.

do you really want to live like this?

1HappyTraveller · 15/02/2023 12:55

I’d be peeved if there was no loo roll. But that’s mainly because I ask my OH to let me know if he takes the last packet out of our bulk purchase so I need to buy more. If I take the last packet I know we need more.

But re: socks and food. He’s more than capable of washing his own socks and cooking his own food!

PumpkinQueen1 · 15/02/2023 13:01

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 15/02/2023 12:10

People are different. Self worth is not something you can summon up out of thin air. I think what usually happens in these situations is:

  • you have a difficult or traumatic upbringing that makes you a raving people-pleaser;
  • you meet a needy and controlling type of fellow with some good/admirable qualities or attributes and/or some common interests,
  • they latch on because they know a good thing when they see it,
  • you bend over backwards to make them happy because that's what you're used to doing pretty much from early childhood, put your own needs, thoughts and opinions last in the endless quest of making them happy,
  • because they get everything their own way they are quite content and so life seems to be 'going well' and the relationship seems 'happy' (because the one doing all the heavy emotional lifting expects no better for themselves);
  • then you have children and the wheels come off the whole thing. Because while low self-esteem people-pleasers are happy to put up with any amount of shit around themselves, when you have a child you love SO MUCH and want only the best for, the scales fall from your eyes and you start to realise that what you've been putting up with is NOT acceptable anymore. And by extension, slowly, you start to see it never was.

And then cocky cows on MN berate you for not being as self-confident and tough as they are, and effectively say 'you've made your bed'.

Show quote history

I totally agree, you have summed up my childhood/relationships perfectly.

But I'm not trying to be cocky by telling OP she should leave him.
It took me years to get rid of him, well into my 40s. Wish I had done it sooner, and if I can encourage another woman to get out sooner and not waste a second more of their life, that's a bonus.

Boobahs · 15/02/2023 13:06

There is no way I'd be changing a 6 month old baby's name. Sorry but he needs to live with it now, it was agreed. Ask him how he thinks changing it now will affect her, she knows her name and it's part of her identity. What a twat.

Floomobal · 15/02/2023 13:13

regretter · 14/02/2023 15:44

It's definitely always a thing with us. Say if we choose anything for the house, he'll ask for my opinion, we go back and forth- but if we can end up going with ' my ' pick and he doesn't like it- I never hear the end of it.

Same for holidays/ any kind of trip. If he didn't really want to go on it or whatever, but then decided to do it, I never ever hear the end of it- for the entire trip. He just ruins it.

Show quote history

Just say this to him. Tell him you don’t want to hear about his opinion on it anymore, and her name is her name. I have sympathy for people being railroaded into decisions/names etc.

But sounds like this is a constant cycle, no matter the issue. I’d be sick of it

zingally · 15/02/2023 13:14

I think this is a wider issue than the baby name. This is him having a bit of a sulk, now that it's finally dawned on him that this is the name this new-ish human will have for the rest of time, and he's a bit narked he didn't get his preferred choice.

Although it's hard, try and ignore him.