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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH regrets baby name

181 replies

regretter · 14/02/2023 15:38

It's a long long story, but basically my H regrets the name we've given our DD. She's now 6 months old.

I suppose I pushed for the name more than he did, however he did agree to use it. It's a lovely name and not at all weird.

What would you do about this? There's no way we can change the name and I think it's just unhelpful to even mention the dislike / regret, as we won't do anything about it. It's just his way of getting at me, I think.

I usually let him make decisions/ final calls on stuff, because if I make the final call and he isn't sure, I never hear the end of it. He calls me a cop out, but I just can't be bothered to hear him complain if he doesn't like something. With the name thing, the final call was mine in a way, although he absolutely agreed we should just go with it.

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 14/02/2023 17:28

BigglyBee · 14/02/2023 15:50

There's a really good chance to learn one of the Great Parenting Truths here. If you have a whiny toddler who learns that x or y behaviour will make you do anything she wants to make it stop, then you will see much more of that behaviour, until you are overwhelmed with it in response to the least little thing.

Once the pattern is established, it is hard to break, but it can be done. You need to be clear that this will no longer work, and stick to your guns. The technique for a controlling man is different and involves longer words, but a degree of firmness and some short term disharmony are needed in both cases. Unless you decide that you no longer want to be married to a controlling man, in which case there is a shorter, sharper solution. However, I am assuming that you want to keep your family together. I would also strongly suggest some sort of marriage counselling (although others may know more about the wisdom of doing that with a partner who has controlling tendencies).

👌

angelikacpickles · 14/02/2023 17:32

regretter · 14/02/2023 17:09

I do try to walk away / ignore it, but it really gets me. It really hurts me that he doesn't like her name now.

Also, he's grumpy in general and his moods have always affected me massively. I don't know why I am not able to ignore it. It just gets into my being somehow. He's usually grumpy about stuff I don't do- like, lack of sex, not enough great cooking, things lacking in the fridge, no socks or whatever no toilet paper etc.

I genuinely do tell him to F off. The other day he nearly had a meltdown because we had no toilet paper.

I do all these things and very occasionally fall short, but it's always picked up on and I am told he ' never ' gets dinner or he ' never ' has clean socks. Which is completely untrue.

He sounds very unpleasant.

Pallisers · 14/02/2023 17:41

his good points must be very good indeed to put up with this shite.

Next time he whines look him straight in the eye and say "I have put up with the whiney shite from you in every other area of life but I'm not putting up with it here. This is our beautiful daughter's beautiful name and I am not going to let you give her a complex about it just so you can have a dig at me. Shut up about it now."

Pallisers · 14/02/2023 17:45

My dad was born in 1926. My mum was a SAHM. He'd have been bewildered at the idea of complaining about not having clean socks and my mum would have laughed out loud at the idea of her husband doing such a thing. He sounds awful.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 14/02/2023 17:45

He is just being a controlling twat. Tell him to shut the fuck up.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/02/2023 17:45

ohyouknowwhatshername · 14/02/2023 16:25

😀Brief and straight to the heart of the matter. I like it.

Yeah. Do you fancy walking on eggshells around him for the next 30-40 years?

CanofCant · 14/02/2023 17:47

You gave birth to his child six months ago and he's treating you like crap. It's only going to get worse I fear. Do you have any family to lean on should you decide to rid yourself of him?

MadeOfSteel · 14/02/2023 18:00

With each post, he sounds even worse!

Do you want your child to grow up seeing him criticising you, then belittling & dismissing your feelings? Do you want her thinking this is how she should expect to be treated?

Don't you know that you deserve better? Because you do. A living husband doesn't act like this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2023 18:08

regretter · 14/02/2023 17:09

I do try to walk away / ignore it, but it really gets me. It really hurts me that he doesn't like her name now.

Also, he's grumpy in general and his moods have always affected me massively. I don't know why I am not able to ignore it. It just gets into my being somehow. He's usually grumpy about stuff I don't do- like, lack of sex, not enough great cooking, things lacking in the fridge, no socks or whatever no toilet paper etc.

I genuinely do tell him to F off. The other day he nearly had a meltdown because we had no toilet paper.

I do all these things and very occasionally fall short, but it's always picked up on and I am told he ' never ' gets dinner or he ' never ' has clean socks. Which is completely untrue.

He sounds exhausting. I expect that the reason why you are not able to ignore it is because he has worn you down over many years with his incessant drip-drip-drip of negativity.

Seriously, I think you have to change your response to him. I know I trot this phrase out a lot (found it here and it struck a chord) but "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got". He is bypassing your usual response and continuing his pissy behaviour. He knows how to respond to your regular responses and to keep wearing you down.

The possibility I see here is that, for example, when he says he 'never' has clean socks - you stop washing his socks. Because to do otherwise would make a liar out of him. 'Never' gets dinner? Stop cooking for him. Show him what 'never' feels like. And tell him that's why you're doing it, and he needs to pick his words better in future.

"Same for holidays/ any kind of trip. If he didn't really want to go on it or whatever, but then decided to do it, I never ever hear the end of it- for the entire trip. He just ruins it."
Don't go on holiday / trips with him. Blank refusal. Tell him why, that he ruins it with his negativity. He sneers at you as a "cop out" if you accept his choice and moans constantly if he accepts your choice so there's no point and you're not bloody well doing that again.

His negativity has a purpose, it is not random. It is designed to train you to accept all and every decision or choice he makes. Not only does he get his own way, but also the pleasure of calling you a cop-out for not putting forward your own choice. It's really shitty behaviour, this. Put forward your own choice, he'll moan and make you miserable. Accept his choice, he sneers at you. He really has designed a heads-I-win-tails-you-lose life for himself, hasn't he? And he likes to make you miserable.

"Apparently I take it too seriously when he does it and I'm too sensitive to it. He says I should stop caring about what he thinks and it's just his personality when he's in a mood."
I see another opportunity to not do what you've always done here. It will take a little acting, but do your best to behave as if his moods do not affect you. I suspect he enjoys being moody, because it's a chance to make you miserable. There's a technique called 'Grey Rock' which you could put to use, you'll find details online, but essentially you do not react to anything. He is being an arse to make you react, so not reacting provides no entertainment for him. He will probably up the provocation to sting you into reacting, but you maintain - Grey Rock.

Of course Grey Rock is more of a holding pattern than a way to live. I think it would be a good idea to consider how you want your life to be. And whether you want this deeply unpleasant man to be in it.

TiaraBoo · 14/02/2023 18:37

what a dick.
hopefully he tells other people he never gets any dinner or clean socks and they either a) commiserate about the lack of house elf or b) think he’s a dick

Botw1 · 14/02/2023 18:46

I've only read your posts but this is obviously not about the name

Why are his socks/toilet rolls/dinner your responsibility?

Why are you pandering to any of that?

Would he agree to counselling? Not for you, for him?

ItchyBillco · 14/02/2023 18:59

Wow, he is an arsehole.

Kanaloa · 14/02/2023 19:16

Very difficult. I couldn’t be with a man who had meltdowns and droned on mentally torturing me because I’m supposed to provide toilet paper for him. I’d find it too difficult. The naming thing isn’t really the issue, it’s just another thing he’s using to control and torment you to ensure you can never relax or be happy. Personally I’d have a serious talk and tell him you’re starting to feel the relationship isn’t working because of his nasty and negative attitude.

BabyOnBoard90 · 14/02/2023 19:20

If there's no chance of name change then just forget about it and move on. Tell him to do so also.

Strangers on the net won't alleviate this issue

EmmaDilemma5 · 14/02/2023 19:25

:( how sad for you OP. Sad that you've chosen to live a life of never getting to be honest about what you want and getting to make decisions without being emotionally punished.

I hope you find the courage to stand up for what you want someday.

Springpetal · 14/02/2023 19:27

Her name is the least of your problems

how long before she understands his words and she feels shit about her name ,and herself ,because of his moods

gettingalifttothestation · 14/02/2023 19:29

Tell him to get over it

Wellybobs0 · 14/02/2023 19:37

People on here always say change the name like it’s no big deal. Changing your babies name who you’ve had for 6 months is a massive deal in my opinion and not an easy decision.

At this point I’d have to tell him to get over it.

Butchyrestingface · 14/02/2023 19:41

Sounds like the name is the least of your problems. Don't know how you can be arsed with it all.

GinUnicorn · 14/02/2023 19:43

I’d be tempted to tell him that I am beginning to regret having a baby with him and he’d better shape up sharpish.

Emmamoo89 · 14/02/2023 19:47

Definitely don't change the name.

Thepossibility · 14/02/2023 19:49

Everytime he says anything about it, respond with “I love it."
No use engaging in a long negative conversation about it.
He might just need that bit of reassurance that it's a nice name.

Hazelnup · 14/02/2023 19:50

Well, it clearly isn’t about the name.

I don’t know him but he sounds like a hypercritical bully to me ☹️

LeavesOnTrees · 14/02/2023 19:58

What's wrong with this fully grown man that he's not capable of buying toilet paper ? Even people who work full time and have a baby manage this.

Frankly, he sounds like he has serious problems who won't ever change and will keep grounding you down until you finally realise you need to leave.

DoNotGetADog · 14/02/2023 19:58

I would do this - get the deed poll papers/website ready (however you do it these days). The next time he mentions it, get really angry, give him the stuff to change the name and shout “there you go, I’m sick to death of your moaning. You change her name - tell me what it is when you’ve done it. And you are responsible for telling everyone who needs to know and you can explain why.”

Be absolutely serious.

As you’ve said, he won’t do it. when he says he is not going to do it, you say “OK - that’s your choice now and I never want to hear you mention it again ever.”