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Original poster

DH regrets baby name

181 replies

regretter · 14/02/2023 15:38

It's a long long story, but basically my H regrets the name we've given our DD. She's now 6 months old.

I suppose I pushed for the name more than he did, however he did agree to use it. It's a lovely name and not at all weird.

What would you do about this? There's no way we can change the name and I think it's just unhelpful to even mention the dislike / regret, as we won't do anything about it. It's just his way of getting at me, I think.

I usually let him make decisions/ final calls on stuff, because if I make the final call and he isn't sure, I never hear the end of it. He calls me a cop out, but I just can't be bothered to hear him complain if he doesn't like something. With the name thing, the final call was mine in a way, although he absolutely agreed we should just go with it.

OP posts:
fairislecable · 14/02/2023 20:00

You don’t have to do anything - you both agreed to the name and he has changed his mind 6 months later, but you still like the name, do not change it

Buy a name plaque for the nursery door, name bunting to hang near the cot , and order lots of babygros with her name on the front.

If he asks why tell him you have done it to help his mood into one of acceptance that the name is a done deal.

Dont agree with the twat it only encourages him.

helloelsie · 14/02/2023 20:02

musingsinmidlife · 14/02/2023 17:15

He is allowed to not like her name and he is allowed to voice his opinion. You can't police that or control his perspective or expect him to not say how he feels.

But that seems to be the least of your issues.

This. It isn't the name that's the problem but really you BOTH need to be happy with it. You have up to a year to change it.

It seems you just need to vent about things that piss you off about your DH and you really need to sort these things out with him. Life is too short - get some counselling for you both so you can resolve these differences and start being better parents and partners for your baby.

piedbeauty · 14/02/2023 20:16

He's being a controlling twat. Ignore him whenever he mentions it.

Or you could point out what you have said here - that he always has to have the last word, that he's a sulky twat when he doesn't, and I'd he's not careful you will leave him over it.

Beelezebub · 14/02/2023 20:23

Tell him the only name you’re prepared to discuss is his. And it needs changing to Dick.

JustMarriedBecca · 14/02/2023 20:23

My husband has a nick name for our DD. Her name is unusual but it rhymes with something so she was name-rhyme then the rhyme then a shortened version of the rhyme.

It's nothing like her name but she only answers to it to him. She's a complete Daddy's girl and I love that they have that bond.

He can find a nickname but you can continue to call her what her name is.

For the record, I really don't like my son's name. Never really have but we couldn't agree on anything. It's just a name. Doesn't change who he is.

WimbyAce · 14/02/2023 20:24

He sounds exhausting tbh. I think the baby name is the least of your worries.

Eatentoomanyroses · 14/02/2023 20:27

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/02/2023 16:15

I would call his bluff.

Say, "Sorry to hear you've had such a change of heart regarding the name. I still like it, but if you're not happy, we can change it. I'll leave you to do all the necessary paperwork, but as a first step, do you want to come up with a shortlist of suitable alternatives and I'll let you know which ones I like?"

He won't do anything, but you'll have put the ball in his court. And if he mentions it again, you just innocently ask how he's getting on with the shortlist.

Agree with this. Men can’t be arsed with this sort of thing.

catandcoffee · 14/02/2023 20:33

OP never ever have another child with this pillock.
You must be an angel to put up with this shity behaviour.

PinkSyCo · 14/02/2023 20:36

He is just using your DD’s name as yet another reason to have a pop at you. Tell him moody sod to do his own washing, shopping and cooking if he thinks he can make a better job of it.

Cakecakecheese · 14/02/2023 20:56

Change your name. To Miss. He sounds exhausting.

If he genuinely is struggling with the name then you would heed to think about a solution but from what you've said he's just doing it to be an arse. Has he even suggested a replacement name? Or is he basically enjoying have something to complain about?

Muminthebluecoat · 15/02/2023 10:18

If you're in agreement you can't change the name then he'll have to just get over it. He agreed to it even of you did push for it.

My DH does similar, if he's undecided he gets me to choose and then moans it's my fault if he doesn't like the thing we picked. I just tell him its tough and he could

Mirabai · 15/02/2023 10:25

He's usually grumpy about stuff I don't do- like, lack of sex, not enough great cooking, things lacking in the fridge, no socks or whatever no toilet paper etc.

Why isn’t he doing these things? 🤔

The name issue sounds like another stick to beat you with.

With the caveat that it depends on the name - if it’s Ella/Ava/Isla etc - fine, if it’s Bambi then perhaps he’s right.

DigitalSam · 15/02/2023 10:39

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. What you are experiencing from him is mental/emotional abuse. He's wearing you out to have more control over your life and especially your happiness. Definitely does not want you to be happy.
There is only one way out, and it's the door.
You cannot fix him.
I hope you find the strength to embrace freedom, especially for your child - imagine a lifetime of this from their own father, what it would do to their self esteem, confidence and future relationship choices.

jemimapuddlepluck · 15/02/2023 10:40

He isnt going to change. If you are not prepared to leave him then you need to develop coping mechanisms for dealing with his behaviour, otherwise you will end up a shell of a person. He's upping the ante involving your daughter in his game playing so it's important you learn techniques to deal with it before she gets older. There's a lot of decisions to be made as children grow up, he will get worse and worse. If you want to stay with him, find some strength and learn to deal with it so your dd doesn't grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to live.

Rufusroo · 15/02/2023 10:45

Your DH is a younger version of my DH and I can tell you that they never change - they just get worse! I’m still with him (I’m in my late 60s now) but how I wish I’d had the courage to leave years ago. We are currently not speaking and he is having a massive sulk. It’s all because, yesterday I came home after being away for a week to see my DM (she’s 97 and very frail). It involves a six hour train journey to visit her. He picked me up from the station and when we got home announced there was no food in the house and when I suggested a takeaway said he wasn’t paying for it and if I wanted it, I could pay for it and go and get it. Was even worse as it was Valentine’s Day although I’ve long given up expecting anything. I didn’t get anything for Christmas either.
He is very controlling and sulks if he doesn’t get his own way and plays the victim to family. Ie he told his brother he was frightened of me because I shout at him. Or I ‘won’t allow’ him to do something. He even told his brother that he was going to have to re home our beautiful puppy because I just didn’t like her when in reality he was the one who moaned continuously that he couldn’t cope and that she was badly behaved and barked at night!
I know it’s scary - especially with a young baby to think of being on your own, but he will resent any attention that you give your child or any commitment you make outside the home. He will grind you down.

MrsMikeDrop · 15/02/2023 10:45

It's not too late to change the name but if you don't want to do that just use a nickname. Problem solved

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/02/2023 10:47

Next time he says it

him: I regret calling her Lilly
you: aw that's a shame.
him: If I had my way...
you: ah but what's done is done. So what would you like to do about that now? him: well nothing but I just regret...
you: ah well, it's a shame but we can't live life full of regrets. I suggest you learn how to move past this and accept that her name is Lilly. If you can't then you need to come up with some ideas rather than complaining.
him: yeah but....
you: unfortunately DH, you complaining about your regrets is quite hurtful and I don't want to hear anymore. Her name is Lilly. You agreed to it. I agreed to it. Move on.

Unless he has a helpful idea, he needs to learn how to shut up.

WeepingSomnambulist · 15/02/2023 10:58

Why did you pick this guy as your life partner? His way of behaving when you make any decisions sounds deeply unappealing. Did this not come up at any point in your relationship before? Why didnt you ever think, "nah, I dont fancy a life of this. Next!"

RiverSkater · 15/02/2023 11:03

If you like the name and he doesn't then just ignore him. Don't change the name to appease him as this seems to be an issue with him. Controlling the narrative.

Goldpaw · 15/02/2023 11:03

Rufusroo · 15/02/2023 10:45

Your DH is a younger version of my DH and I can tell you that they never change - they just get worse! I’m still with him (I’m in my late 60s now) but how I wish I’d had the courage to leave years ago. We are currently not speaking and he is having a massive sulk. It’s all because, yesterday I came home after being away for a week to see my DM (she’s 97 and very frail). It involves a six hour train journey to visit her. He picked me up from the station and when we got home announced there was no food in the house and when I suggested a takeaway said he wasn’t paying for it and if I wanted it, I could pay for it and go and get it. Was even worse as it was Valentine’s Day although I’ve long given up expecting anything. I didn’t get anything for Christmas either.
He is very controlling and sulks if he doesn’t get his own way and plays the victim to family. Ie he told his brother he was frightened of me because I shout at him. Or I ‘won’t allow’ him to do something. He even told his brother that he was going to have to re home our beautiful puppy because I just didn’t like her when in reality he was the one who moaned continuously that he couldn’t cope and that she was badly behaved and barked at night!
I know it’s scary - especially with a young baby to think of being on your own, but he will resent any attention that you give your child or any commitment you make outside the home. He will grind you down.

You know you can still leave him, don't you? Why waste the rest of your life living like this?

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 15/02/2023 11:07

Botw1 · 14/02/2023 18:46

I've only read your posts but this is obviously not about the name

Why are his socks/toilet rolls/dinner your responsibility?

Why are you pandering to any of that?

Would he agree to counselling? Not for you, for him?

i was going to ask the same.
genuinely not being goady.
why is it soley your responsibility to ensure there’s toilet roll or stuff in the fridge?

honestly he sounds pretty abusive. He chose the name, he’s bringing it up now just to beat you with it. No other reason to mention it, think it. But don’t say it. He’s putting you back in your box.

WildRose42 · 15/02/2023 11:08

No offence OP, but sounds like your DH is a control freak. Your DD has her name now, end of. It’s not just his choice, so tell
him to stop complaining and making you feel bad.

Littleloveydovey · 15/02/2023 11:10

Christ. I’m so stunned when I read how some women agree to live. Why the fuck do you fo all this stuff to be with this bloke? Why are you not equal or out of there?

Goldpaw · 15/02/2023 11:10

OP, I'd grey rock him with "That's a shame," when he mentions it. Nothing else, just keep saying it and don't engage further.

But that's just a short term fix, the problems go way beyond your daughter's name. What are you going to do about them?

Quartz2208 · 15/02/2023 11:10

Did you post this at the time and there is a backstory including a huge age gap from memory.

if so you know that this isn’t healthy