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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

338 replies

Wantanotherandanother · 14/02/2023 12:05

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

OP posts:

DuplicateUserName · 14/02/2023 12:09

Why didn't you discuss the number when you knew he's already got three kids? That's a fairly big leap from 3 to 5.

As for whether your marriage can survive you not having another baby, I'm afraid only you know that.

It sucks for you though

Coyoacan · 14/02/2023 12:10

I don't know OP. You don't seem to have mush faith in your husband's integrity, so that is obviously not a good basis for a marriage.

DuplicateUserName · 14/02/2023 12:11

Sorry I meant to add, what do you mean by compromise?

What sort of compromise could there possibly be?

araiwa · 14/02/2023 12:13

Yabu to think people can't change their mind when new information comes to light

BaroldFromEastenders · 14/02/2023 12:14

If another baby means more to you than the family unit you already have then the only answer is to leave and find someone else, or leave and go it alone with sperm donation. Is it worth the price your existing child will end up paying? What if you’re broody again after you have number 2?

vivainsomnia · 14/02/2023 12:14

People are entitled to change their mind when time affects the way you feel about something and forcing someone to parent a non wanted child when you feel tired and unmotivated at doing it again is not healthy for anyone.

You too are perfectly entitled to still want more children. Neither is wrong to feel as they do and be hurt by the other's position but resentment won't make things any better.

Sadly, it does come to what matters most. If it's another child, you'll have to give up what you have with tour OH. If it is your family as it is now, then you owe them to accept the situation and move on. Resentment will break it anyway.

donttellmehesalive · 14/02/2023 12:15

I think he's allowed to change his mind and the needs of the person who doesn't want more have to be prioritised. At 48, with four children, I can understand his decision. In his shoes, I would not have wanted any more children after the first three and would have seen the one I agreed to with you as the compromise. It is a shame for you though but always the possibility of leaving if it is very important to you.

Rupiduti · 14/02/2023 12:16

He is more than entitled to change his mind. There is no compromise, you want 1 more, he doesn't. One of you may end up unhappy. He's got 4 children already and is close to 50, I can get why he may not want anymore. You maybe should have discussed how many.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/02/2023 12:16

I think if multiple children were on your mind then settling on a number ahead of marriage would have been beneficial.

At the end of the day he is a dad to four kids. That's a lot!

MeinKraft · 14/02/2023 12:17

The thing is if you are that way inclined that ache might not go away after a second. Or a third. and you can't keep having babies indefinitely.

Jimboscott0115 · 14/02/2023 12:17

Difficult one but I'd this was a man writing the consensus would be that his wife has every right to change her mind and I think that applies here too.

However, it clearly doesn't bode well if you don't trust he was being genuine to start with - I think it's much more likely that he's found sleepless nights and having a baby significantly harder in his 40s than it was in his 20s/30s. Having had kids from when I was 21-32, even that was a lot harder, I couldn't imagine doing the same things anymore.

I have no advice to give in terms of your relationship from here but think you both need to have an open and Honest conversation about how strongly you each feel and see if there's any way to make this work. He may just need a bit more time or may be absolutely done with kids - it's something a lot of couples debate when planning families.

NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 12:17

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable. It's not unreasonable to want more children. It's not unreasonable to not want more children.

Whether your marriage can survive is up to you.

Not having a second child is better than making a child with a man who doesn't want it so it's to his credit that he's told you and not just gone along with it and then been a less than enthusiastic dad.

Clusterfunk · 14/02/2023 12:18

I don’t think there can be a compromise in these circumstances. Essentially someone has to accept they don’t get what they want, and with pregnancy/children you shouldn’t force someone to conceive a child they don’t want. I’m sorry OP. Even if you had discussed numbers, he could have changed his mind. I can see at his age with 4 kids why he thinks he’s done.

2crossedout1 · 14/02/2023 12:18

He's entitled not to want another baby and unfortunately you have to respect that.

It's a bit worrying that you say "I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more" - this is quite a serious thing to say, rather than assuming he changed his mind after the event. Do you feel like he generally misleads you rather than being upfront and honest?

Sunriseinwonderland · 14/02/2023 12:20

Do you really need any more? I had one and its been great just me and him. I love him to bits.
I do think your husband has a point. Children are exhausting and he's nearly 50. The very thought of having any more kids at that age makes my toes curl up...I'm 60.

xogossipgirlxo · 14/02/2023 12:20

I think none of you is BU here. Just different views. You don't know if your husband deliberately didn't tell you he doesn't want another 2. You could have changed your mind too after difficult labour or high need baby. Maybe when you had this baby, he realised he's too old for another one? Not sure if being broody for another one is worth breaking good marriage, but you know it best what your marriage is like.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/02/2023 12:21

I can imagine the reality of caring for a new born at 48 would be enough to change his mind about wanting another - the impact is huge especially if you’ve got children who are well past that stage and you have become independent again.

If you feel he’s deceived you that’s pretty serious and I’d struggle to see how your marriage would survive on such a premise.

WhateverHappenedToMe · 14/02/2023 12:22

Can your husband afford to support five children and save for his pension at the same time? Or, given your age difference, are you happy to support him and the children once he retires?

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/02/2023 12:23

I understand where you’re both coming from. He has 4 children and is done and you have one child and you are not done with having more children.

In reality, at your age, it is highly unlikely that you would find someone else to have children with and get to know them well enough before it’s too late. So, if you left your husband to have more children you would have to do it solo. Is that something that you would really want to do or are prepared to do?

You can’t make someone have children with you against their will. As hard as it is you either choose to accept only having one child or you prepare to do it on your own.

WeepingSomnambulist · 14/02/2023 12:25

He already had 3 children and is much older. It was naive to think he would want multiple more children.

You say you never talked quantity, but you think he knows you wanted multiple. Why would he?

This really was a thing you should have actually discussed.

Bottom line is that one of you wont get what you want, and it probably needs to be you. You cannot force a child onto someone.

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/02/2023 12:26

Tried re reading.. Did you assume 2 or something you discussed ?

However regardless i really wouldn't want more kids at 48.. i guess the one was his compromise.

The answer to your marriage is for you. You would be s single parent.. potentially not meet anyone .

Viviennemary · 14/02/2023 12:30

I think if you have only one child and want another your DH should agree.It's not your fault he has children from a previous relationship. Maybe he can be talked round. Thats what I would do.

Viviennemary · 14/02/2023 12:31

Not your fault that should be.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/02/2023 12:31

You aren't being unreasonable to be upset by this, @Wantanotherandanother, but equally your dh is not being unreasonable in changing his mind about having another baby. I suspect that the reality of a newborn, with the sleepless nights, nappies etc etc is something he had forgotten, as his other children are teenagers - those memories do fade, I promise you, and you don't remember the full reality of the tiredness and the relentlessness of it all - and now it has all been brought home to him, he has realised he can't do it again.

Don't forget - if you have a second child now, your dh will have retired before your children reach 21. Dh and I are both under 60, and I can tell you for nothing that neither of us would cope with kids at our age - even though your would be nearly a teenager by the time your dh is my age, it is still hard work.

As other posters have said, if one partner wants another child and the other doesn't, it is not right for the one who does to impose another child on the one who doesn't. If you were to insist, and had another baby, you would be running the risk of it breaking up your marriage, and you ending up raising two children as a single mum - and would that be good for the children?

JorisBonson · 14/02/2023 12:34

Viviennemary · 14/02/2023 12:30

I think if you have only one child and want another your DH should agree.It's not your fault he has children from a previous relationship. Maybe he can be talked round. Thats what I would do.

It's not fair to try to "talk someone round" into something so life changing. He has made a perfectly valid choice, which should be respected.

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