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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

338 replies

Wantanotherandanother · 14/02/2023 12:05

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

OP posts:
TheSoapyFrog · 14/02/2023 13:07

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but there is no compromise to be had here. I don't think he deliberately deceived you. I think you had a baby together and he remembered how hard it is, especially at his age.
But you say you didn't discuss how many either, so maybe he always planned to stop at one. Assuming he's paying child maintenance to the 3 kids he already has; even more children might not be financially possible.
Ultimately the decision you have to make is whether you want to stay as you are with one child and never have more. Or do you want to end the relationship and take a big risk trying to find someone else you want to have children with. You may not find someone else you want to marry and have children with. You'll need to divorce, possibly find a new home, grieve for the relationship, get back on the dating scene, find babysitters for dates, move in together, get married... etc. Time isn't on your side here (not meaning to sound harsh), but you could leave and still end up not having anymore children.

Unless you want to go down the sperm donation route...

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/02/2023 13:08

The ball is in your court, you stay and try and be happy with the one you have or leave and try and fulfil your own wants of having another. It’s a tough situation to be in. I can see it from both sides given his age.

BethFromThisIsUs · 14/02/2023 13:12

We have two. We originally said we wanted three. My husband changed his mind - costs, lack of sleep, and the fact that our lives are much easier and more fun now the girls are a bit bigger.

i don’t think he intended to deceive me. I think he just…changed his mind. I have no reason to believe he deliberately tricked me.

HyggeTygge · 14/02/2023 13:12

The fact that you thought "waiting and waiting" would get you on track to have another child suggests that you have not communicated effectively about this at any point.

In my experience it's very unusual to deliberately start a family with someone and never discuss how many children that might look like. Sorry OP but this is the consequences of that. You can't make him have another.

There is no "perfect solution" here. (As is often the case with decisions about having kids).

Beamur · 14/02/2023 13:12

DH had 2 kids already before we had DD
We had talked about having children but after DD he was done. I would have liked another.
We talked but it was hard to discuss.
My choice was to stay and make peace with the situation or leave, with insecurity for DD and I and no telling if I would meet anyone else.
We're similar ages to you and your DH.
I made peace with the decision to stay and stick with one. I'm quite a few years down the line now and whilst I will never know if it was the right choice, but we've had a nice life and have been happy. The ache for another baby did go. But I have 4 cats instead!

Ofbollocks · 14/02/2023 13:12

At 48, I think yabu. You knew how old he was

PrincessCalley · 14/02/2023 13:12

Unfortunately for you there is no compromise. 3 years ago I started to really want another baby. We discussed it and my husband said we'd wait a few months and discuss again. In hindsight he was biding his time. He did agree to try for one month as I pressured him into it but after that he told me he was done. Didn't want anymore. Now we already had 2 daughters. I was so upset but I did come to terms with. Now I'm 38 and sometimes I'm glad that we didn't try again and other times I do wonder what if?! But I feel I'm too old now.

No wonder your husband doesn't want more kids. He's 48. If you were to have a baby now by the time that baby would be 20 he'd be almost 70 and still dependent on you both financially. He should have been up front in the beginning but you were a little nieve to think he'd want more. Especially when he has 3 more kids from a previous relationship. It's not worth breaking up your marriage for though either. The pain does go away but you'll still have moments of what if. Best of luck with the future!

BethFromThisIsUs · 14/02/2023 13:13

Sorry I posted too soon

i think it’s weird that you automatically assume he’s been lying

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2023 13:17

I’m the age he’d be if you had another baby. I couldn’t think of anything worse than having the responsibility of a newborn and basically starting again

BatshitBanshee · 14/02/2023 13:21

YWBU and naïve if you thought a man with three children already and in his late 40s would want more than one with you.

YABU to not have communicated effectively beforehand about the specifics of having children.

Only you can decide if your existing family unit is less important than a baby that may or may not happen now.

musingsinmidlife · 14/02/2023 13:21

I think asking a partner to commit to a specific number of children is very odd. You don't know until you have them how you will feel, if they will have issues, how you and spouse will be as a family how well you will be able to manage work life balance, how hard it will be on your marriage (and existing kids in this case). To me, kids are always an unfolding scenario where you decide as you go based on where life is at that time, if you both want another child. If so, you move forward.

In this case, he didn't know what it would be like to parent an infant and toddler in his late 40s, maybe four kids in this economic climate is more expensive than he expected, maybe he hasn't felt great about the work / life balance or your marriage or the equality of it all etc. Maybe he is just exhausted and stressed and can't imagine adding another child.

Do you work OP?

quietnightmare · 14/02/2023 13:22

@ButterflyOil
🤣 oh come on

billy1966 · 14/02/2023 13:24

You have a huge age gap, I'm surprised he even wanted one.

Most women not to mind men, with teens have zero interest at all in more children.

I suspect he agreed at all to keep you.

Having teens in your 60's is not easy, so he is now finally being honest with you.

Up to you to decide if you can accept it or not.

I really think you shouldn't be surprised by this.

Most men don't have this huge urge to have children.

In my circle of friends many of the husbands would have stopped at one.

It was usually the women who were keen and the husbands, happy in the relationship, went along with things.

GlitteryGreen · 14/02/2023 13:25

I know what you mean OP, I am sort of in a similar boat in that I'm 34 and DP is nearly 46 and we've just had our first (he has 2 older).

I wasn't sure what I'd feel beforehand so we never really talked about how many we'd have, but now I have the baby it makes me so sad that this might be my only time. My only pregnancy, my only maternity leave, my only little baby. It's honestly made me teary when I've thought about it recently, and she's only just coming up 5 months.

I don't know how he feels about more but I know he doesn't enjoy the baby stage so I'm worried he won't wanna go through it again. I will bring it up with him, but maybe when this baby gets to an easier stage 🤣

Pyewhacket · 14/02/2023 13:25

Jeeze, can you imagine going through all that shit, hassle and expense of bringing up a child, you never wanted in the first place. And your partner knowing that.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/02/2023 13:26

WhateverHappenedToMe · 14/02/2023 12:22

Can your husband afford to support five children and save for his pension at the same time? Or, given your age difference, are you happy to support him and the children once he retires?

This is an important consideration. Not to mention the poor planet. One man siring four children ... what if everyone did that?!

MelchiorsMistress · 14/02/2023 13:29

As you admit you never discussed it, he could just as easily say that you went into this knowing you’d always want more than one. You say you waited and waited and never said anything so you have just as much responsibility for the situation you now find yourself in as he does. You’ve both done exactly the same thing, you’ve bumbled along quietly, secretly hoping that the other feels the same way you do about having more children. Even though it should be quite clear to you that he is unlikely to want as many as five children especially at nearly 50 with such a big age gap and it should be quite clear to him that it was likely you’d want more than one. You both chose to be together and hope for the best.

Ultimately, the partner who doesn’t want another child has to have their way but there are no real winners here.

Dixiechickonhols · 14/02/2023 13:31

I felt fine until 45 ish then it all went downhill. His reasons are very sound. He sounds vary aware of age. He’s perhaps worried re impact of his age on baby eg studies re link between dad’s age and autism. Most people don’t have or want 5 or 6 children.
You say ok financially but will you be ok when he’s retired. You know how expensive teens are. Supporting 2 at uni when you are on a pension is a big ask - if you are working they won’t get a full maintenance loan parents need to contribute.

MissyB1 · 14/02/2023 13:31

He’s 48 with 4 kids, he’s probably knackered! I was 41 when I had my last one, I’m 55 now with a 14 year old. It’s bloody hard because your energy levels just aren’t the same as they were in your 20s and 30s.
I think you’re going to have to decide what’s most important to you.

Luana1 · 14/02/2023 13:31

Always planned to have kids, number not discussed

How has he changed his mind if you never discussed it?

BatshitBanshee · 14/02/2023 13:33

Luana1 · 14/02/2023 13:31

Always planned to have kids, number not discussed

How has he changed his mind if you never discussed it?

Exactly.

RobertaFirmino · 14/02/2023 13:34

I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more

He's at least 13 years older than when he last dealt with babies and your energy levels at 48 are much lower than they are at 35. It's more likely that he's too knackered to do it again.

Whydoitry · 14/02/2023 13:37

I also have a large age gap with my husband, and he has teenage children from a previous relationship.

It annoys me when people assume older men don't really want more. My husband is actually much keener than me. But people do change their minds about how many children they want all the time - discussing theoretical children isn't the same as the reality. When we met I was on the fence about children. Then I had one and really wanted a second! Then after a bit more time I saw all the benefits of sticking to one and I'm not sure I do want more after all. I haven't set out to deceive anyone. Is there a particular reason why you think your husband lied to you about this rather than taking the fact he charged his mind at face value?

I was really broody 6 months post-partum. Jealous of my pregnant friend. But with one, we can tag team and still have quite a lot of personal time. We can give our child our undivided attention. I think it's quite a good balance.

Personally I wouldn't want to split up an otherwise happy family for the hope of another child.

Silverboot · 14/02/2023 13:38

I don’t think agreeing a number in advance is any kind of insurance. Pre-kids most people have a daydream of how many kids they’d like but the reality of birth and parenting means anyone is entitled to alter that view once they become parents. It’s too fundamental an issue that could negatively affect the wellbeing of both parent and child to be saying “but you promised…”

Dacadactyl · 14/02/2023 13:40

Surely now you've had a child you can understand why a 48 year old (!) with 4 kids already, 3 of whom are teens doesn't want more children!

I really think you're lucky to have the one you do have.