Page 4 | Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

Wantanotherandanother · 2023-02-14T12:05:47+00:00

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind... I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok. He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights. AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

harrassedmumto3 · 14/02/2023 13:41

At 48, I can't think of anything worse than nappies and sleepless nights.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/02/2023 13:41

MissyB1 · 14/02/2023 13:31

He’s 48 with 4 kids, he’s probably knackered! I was 41 when I had my last one, I’m 55 now with a 14 year old. It’s bloody hard because your energy levels just aren’t the same as they were in your 20s and 30s.
I think you’re going to have to decide what’s most important to you.

My kids will be 22 and 18 when I'm 49. Like shite would I go back in for more.

MelaniesFlowers · 14/02/2023 13:43

YABU. This is not an area you can compromise in.

He doesn’t want anymore and that’s that.

So you either break up your family and be a single mum, in the hopes of finding someone else to settle down and have a baby with (you’re already 35, so not much time), or you accept the situation as it is.

Figgygal · 14/02/2023 13:44

I don't blame him tbh
4 kids at his age why go through it again

bigbabycooker · 14/02/2023 13:47

I think that you have to trust him and assume that he didn't deceive you by knowing that you wanted more kids and he wanted only one from the outset, otherwise what is the point of being together? Perfectly rational (if disappointing for you) for him to change his mind, or to not have spelled out his preference for one if you didn't discuss it fully.

One thing your DH knows from experience is that one child still allows for free time. For a while, with two kids, you are usually in the trenches a bit and may need to divide and conquer and you each get less of that (particularly if he also needs to see his teens). It's ok for him to say no to that.

Being realistic about how many kids you can parent well and how much you have in the tank is part of being a good parent.

But I am sorry, OP, it is a hard thing to accept.

rothbury · 14/02/2023 13:48

Oh dear OP, I do feel for you.

Of course neither you nor DH are BU. And as others have said, compromise is impossible. I have seen a couple of friends have fewer babies than they wanted and they split with their DH anyway when it was too late to have more.

I also have a female friend who split with her DH because she changed her mind after having her first and only child, and he was so set on having the big family they had always discussed.

Only you know how much of a dealbreaker this is. All I can advise is lots of honest communication with DH. Good luck.

FriedasCarLoad · 14/02/2023 13:48

It's such a big deal that it's got to be worth having a serious long conversation about. Not least, if you're going to be living with the grief of not having a longed-for second child because of his choice, he needs to support you through that.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2023 13:48

So your gut assumption @Wantanotherandanother is he soad several babies to you to lure you into marriage knowing he'd then refuse but you'd be stuck?

Is that hormones and emotion talking or is that based on who you really think he is?

Cos surely you wouldn't want to remain married to someone you believe could do that?

If you think he didn't decide before 1, and actually he's just found out how much more tiring it is at 46 than in his early 30s, do you want to give up a marriage over this, even tho a. You might never have fallen pregnant again b. You might not have completed a successful pregnancy again c. Your plan to leave and have another baby means rushing into a relationship with someone new whilst you share custody of your young child who now has half siblings on both sides and still no guarantee re a and b

Indecisivebynature · 14/02/2023 13:49

On MN the person who doesn’t want another always seems to take priority.

I do understand and it’s just my opinion but I feel you already have one together and he/she is only two yrs old so he is still very much in the ‘young child’ phase, if you had another one quickly (and you’ve said you can afford it) it would just extend the ‘young child’ phase by a couple of years. I think the biggest leap is him having ‘a second family’ albeit that one or two children in the first place.

As much as people will say you have to respect his wishes, your wishes are just as important.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2023 13:55

Indecisivebynature · 14/02/2023 13:49

On MN the person who doesn’t want another always seems to take priority.

I do understand and it’s just my opinion but I feel you already have one together and he/she is only two yrs old so he is still very much in the ‘young child’ phase, if you had another one quickly (and you’ve said you can afford it) it would just extend the ‘young child’ phase by a couple of years. I think the biggest leap is him having ‘a second family’ albeit that one or two children in the first place.

As much as people will say you have to respect his wishes, your wishes are just as important.

And she absolutely has the right to go and have one elsewhere but if they're staying together, a no has to win over a yes otherwise there'd an unwanted baby who's resented by its father

CatJumperTwat · 14/02/2023 13:56

BaroldFromEastenders · 14/02/2023 12:14

If another baby means more to you than the family unit you already have then the only answer is to leave and find someone else, or leave and go it alone with sperm donation. Is it worth the price your existing child will end up paying? What if you’re broody again after you have number 2?

Exactly. Is a hypothetical second child more important to you than the one who actually exists?

tara66 · 14/02/2023 13:56

I can understand why he thinks 5 children is 1 too many. You did know he already had 3 children. They are your step children - so sort of a little bit yours too! So you have them as well as one of your own. Try to see it like that - plus you are 'saving the planet' too!

Zanatdy · 14/02/2023 13:58

My ex did this. Later found out it was his punishment as we had an argument one year when Ds was a baby the day before Father’s Day and I took our son to my mums for a week. I decided after lots of arguments to let it go, the very next day he said he had changed his mind and we had DD. The relationship was doomed anyway, but if he hadn’t have changed his mind I’d have resented it massively.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 14/02/2023 14:00

Indecisivebynature · 14/02/2023 13:49

On MN the person who doesn’t want another always seems to take priority.

I do understand and it’s just my opinion but I feel you already have one together and he/she is only two yrs old so he is still very much in the ‘young child’ phase, if you had another one quickly (and you’ve said you can afford it) it would just extend the ‘young child’ phase by a couple of years. I think the biggest leap is him having ‘a second family’ albeit that one or two children in the first place.

As much as people will say you have to respect his wishes, your wishes are just as important.

There is no 'just as important' here. It's a zero sum situation. One person gets what they want, the other doesn't. The only question is which one you choose.

There is also the small point of consent. There's no guarantee the unwilling partner will agree to have PIV sex without contraception in such circumstances.

GiltEdges · 14/02/2023 14:00

Honestly OP, I don’t mean to be unkind, but if you knew you wanted multiple children then why did you choose to have a relationship with someone so much older, who already had 3 of his own?

oakleaffy · 14/02/2023 14:01

One child is plenty in my opinion.

Five children is a lot.

Approaching 50 is way too old to be starting over with a baby.

maranella · 14/02/2023 14:03

Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two

It never ceases to amaze me how many people get married and don't discuss how many DC they want and when. Why the fuck didn't you talk about this in detail, before you got married, if it was so important to you? I mean honestly, what is more important than this? You married a man who was 13 years older than you, who already had three DC from a previous relationship, but it never occurred to you to discuss with him your sincere hopes to have two or more DC of your own with him. And then, after having one, you're gutted that he doesn't want any more. He's got four DC!! Why would he want any more?

whatausername · 14/02/2023 14:06

YABU for making a poll and trying to make this into one side is right and one side is wrong. Nobody is more right or wrong than the other for wanting or not wanting more children.

housemaus · 14/02/2023 14:08

You didn't bring it up with him, and 'waited and waited'. Why?

You didn't discuss number of children beforehand. Why?

You assume he was deceiving you all along for some reason. Why?

There's a lot more going on here. Your communication is dreadful and you seem to have a very low opinion of him.

Also, there is no compromise here - you can't half a baby, and nobody should be forced into having a child they don't want. So either you leave because you want another (your choice, and a valid one) or you come to terms with it and decide you'd rather the marriage than another child, also a valid choice. But I don't think you get to do the latter while holding onto resentment about a mythical second child that he never said he wanted and you've been waiting 18 months to even discuss with him despite wanting yourself. If you hit him with "I've been waiting over a year for you to come round" he's going to say - come round to what? We never discussed the number of children, why have you been assuming we're having another? And he'd be right.

At 48, with several children already, I can see why he doesn't want more. I find it strange you assumed he would and didn't think to check that with proper conversations beforehand, especially considering you seem to want quite a few.

CaveMum · 14/02/2023 14:10

Neither of you is being unreasonable, but in these circumstances the person who does not want any more children gets the final say. As others have said, you need to makes your pease with it.

Either your relationship is the priority, in which case you accept that there will be no kore children, or more children are your priority in which case you need to end the relationship now and hope you can find another partner (or use a sperm donor) to have another child with.

There are no easy options here.

Snugglemonkey · 14/02/2023 14:13

If I believed there was any deceit involved, I would never forgive that. I would resent it massively, so the relationship would be over anyway.

Tbh, I am not sure I could be ok with someone changing their mind. I wanted lots of children and have two, so am well aware that compromise needs to be made, but I went through a lot to have my children. My second especially was a struggle but I could not countenance not having her. There is no way I would have stopped trying. I would have finished my relationship and kept trying alone if dp had changed his mind. I totally appreciate they have a right to, but it would make the relationship untenable.

I see what people are saying when they ask is it worth splitting over, but I would be a hypocrite to, as I just know I could not have handled the resentment. Can you?

housemaus · 14/02/2023 14:14

Indecisivebynature · 14/02/2023 13:49

On MN the person who doesn’t want another always seems to take priority.

I do understand and it’s just my opinion but I feel you already have one together and he/she is only two yrs old so he is still very much in the ‘young child’ phase, if you had another one quickly (and you’ve said you can afford it) it would just extend the ‘young child’ phase by a couple of years. I think the biggest leap is him having ‘a second family’ albeit that one or two children in the first place.

As much as people will say you have to respect his wishes, your wishes are just as important.

You're getting it mixed up. OP's wish to have another child is just as important as OP's wish not to, sure.

But OP's wish to have another child WITH THIS MAN do not override his own wish not to. Why on earth would you think it was appropriate to force him to have a child he doesn't want? Would you say the same of OP if it were the other way round - his wishes are just as important, you should have another regardless of whether you want to?

Rainbowsallover · 14/02/2023 14:15

I have 3 kids. Always wanted 4 or 5. I was pregnant with our youngest when our oldest started having seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy. Our middle has just been diagnosed with autism and has other health conditions. It's a lot and who knows if our youngest will have any health problems or disabilities. That ache for another baby is still there and I'm only 31, husband 38. But realistically we can't deal with much else and my husband feels he doesn't want anymore, especially beyond 40, so he says he's done which means I'm done. I couldn't break up my family for the sake of another baby. I also unexpectedly had a few miscarriages while trying for our 3rd, I'd never had one before and it almost felt like it wasn't going to happen. What if you struggled to get pregnant again? Let your baby grow a bit and enjoy your family unit, you never know what lies ahead.

Darkstar4855 · 14/02/2023 14:18

I was in a similar position where my partner developed health problems which meant he changed his mind about having a second. It’s hard and you have my sympathy. However it does get easier with a bit of work. My son is four now and I love being able to give him all my time and attention and no longer have that ache for a second.

I would strongly recommend having some counselling to help you process your feelings and try to reframe things in a positive way.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 14/02/2023 14:18

I really really feel for you because I would have been devastated if my husband had said no to number 2.

However, I’m really surprised that this has come as a shock to you. He now has 4 children and is nearly 50. If you had another child he’d be pushing 70 by the time his fifth child went to uni. I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting a second in those circumstances.