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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

338 replies

Wantanotherandanother · 14/02/2023 12:05

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

OP posts:
Annabelnextdoor · 14/02/2023 14:20

This is a common problem with age gap relationships, particularly at this stage of life.
Approaching 50 he has already had three children with his ex. And understandably doesn’t want any more given you have a toddler now also. Your position is different. You are younger and prob have more energy and want another baby.
He has had the benefits of a younger wife and now your choices are more limited, he changes his mind. Not sure I could
forgive him for that. Obviously his choice, but you are the one that suffers the consequences of that.

ittakes2 · 14/02/2023 14:21

People change their minds my sister was so Adament no children she had her tubes tied at 28. At 38 she has ivf and now has a lovely son.
my other sister fell pregnant the first time she tried but took three years to fall pregnant with her 2nd. Let’s be clear you are after the right to try for a second child rather than have a second child. And only you know if that is something you are willing to let go of your marriage for

JorisBonson · 14/02/2023 14:24

ittakes2 · 14/02/2023 14:21

People change their minds my sister was so Adament no children she had her tubes tied at 28. At 38 she has ivf and now has a lovely son.
my other sister fell pregnant the first time she tried but took three years to fall pregnant with her 2nd. Let’s be clear you are after the right to try for a second child rather than have a second child. And only you know if that is something you are willing to let go of your marriage for

He shouldn't have to try for a child he doesn't want.

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/02/2023 14:30

If the shoe was on the other foot and he was pressurising you into another, but you didn’t want to, how would you feel? It’s such a big decision with such huge consequences I really think you both need to be all in for a baby 100%.

ItchyBillco · 14/02/2023 14:31

Viviennemary · 14/02/2023 12:30

I think if you have only one child and want another your DH should agree.It's not your fault he has children from a previous relationship. Maybe he can be talked round. Thats what I would do.

No. Not this.

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/02/2023 14:33

Jimboscott0115 · 14/02/2023 12:17

Difficult one but I'd this was a man writing the consensus would be that his wife has every right to change her mind and I think that applies here too.

However, it clearly doesn't bode well if you don't trust he was being genuine to start with - I think it's much more likely that he's found sleepless nights and having a baby significantly harder in his 40s than it was in his 20s/30s. Having had kids from when I was 21-32, even that was a lot harder, I couldn't imagine doing the same things anymore.

I have no advice to give in terms of your relationship from here but think you both need to have an open and Honest conversation about how strongly you each feel and see if there's any way to make this work. He may just need a bit more time or may be absolutely done with kids - it's something a lot of couples debate when planning families.

Yes I agree with all of this. Much better a responsible Dad who knows when to stop than the alternative.

DashboardConfessional · 14/02/2023 14:35

YWBU for assuming a dad of 3 in his mid-40s would want 2 more children, as if it were a given that a woman with 0 would want at least 2.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/02/2023 14:37

I think everyone is entitled to change their mind

I think if he knew he never wanted more than one more, that is a bit rough

Lcb123 · 14/02/2023 14:39

Neither of you are being unreasonable - but I don't think it's too fair to say you feel short changed, you didn't agree on two kids so it's not like he's going back on his word. At his age and life stage, with his older teens, I'm hardly surprised. If having another is more important than being with him, you will need to decide to leave him and find another partner/donor.

Naunet · 14/02/2023 14:40

I’m sorry OP, that must be really hard for you, but I do think you should have gone for a younger man with no kids already or been very very clear with him that it was a deal breaker for you before you got married. I can understand why he wouldn’t want more at his age, plus he already has 4! It also means the risk of disability and miscarriage goes up, because of his age and the quality of his sperm.

Try to put hormones aside, and think practically, can you be content with just one?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 14/02/2023 14:42

He already has 4 kids, he'd be crazy to want more. You should of been honest with him from the start that it was a deal breaker - especially at his age.

Unfortunately it's either be happy with one (plus 3 bonus children) or leave and try and find someone else to have more children with.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/02/2023 14:46

@Viviennemary

lol what would “talking him round”? entail?

Naunet · 14/02/2023 14:47

Lcb123 · 14/02/2023 14:39

Neither of you are being unreasonable - but I don't think it's too fair to say you feel short changed, you didn't agree on two kids so it's not like he's going back on his word. At his age and life stage, with his older teens, I'm hardly surprised. If having another is more important than being with him, you will need to decide to leave him and find another partner/donor.

Agree, equally though, he shouldn’t be surprised that this is what comes from marrying a much younger woman either.

FourFour · 14/02/2023 14:59

BatshitBanshee · 14/02/2023 13:21

YWBU and naïve if you thought a man with three children already and in his late 40s would want more than one with you.

YABU to not have communicated effectively beforehand about the specifics of having children.

Only you can decide if your existing family unit is less important than a baby that may or may not happen now.

This. This is on you.

Sisisimone · 14/02/2023 14:59

I think if you knew you wanted 2+ children choosing a 48 yr old partner that already had 3 teens wasn't really the way to go. I'm surprised he wanted to start again at all tbh

Naunet · 14/02/2023 15:00

FourFour · 14/02/2023 14:59

This. This is on you.

Show quote history

No, it’s on both of them, he shouldn’t have made assumptions either.

ittakes2 · 14/02/2023 15:01

JorisBonson · 14/02/2023 14:24

He shouldn't have to try for a child he doesn't want.

Show quote history

Sorry I wasn’t clear but I was not suggesting she make him try! My point is that she could leave him and try with someone else but is not guaranteed a baby. Is she willing to give up her marriage to try with someone else?

Annabelnextdoor · 14/02/2023 15:09

I wouldn’t want an age gap relationship for my daughter. Particularly if the man already has children. It always seems be the younger partner who compromises and loses out.
There are many people to fall in love with and build a life with. An older man with his baggage and stage of life comes with too many issues.

steff13 · 14/02/2023 15:10

Indecisivebynature · 14/02/2023 13:49

On MN the person who doesn’t want another always seems to take priority.

I do understand and it’s just my opinion but I feel you already have one together and he/she is only two yrs old so he is still very much in the ‘young child’ phase, if you had another one quickly (and you’ve said you can afford it) it would just extend the ‘young child’ phase by a couple of years. I think the biggest leap is him having ‘a second family’ albeit that one or two children in the first place.

As much as people will say you have to respect his wishes, your wishes are just as important.

Not just on MN, in real life, too. The "no," if there is one, always wins in this equation. You can't force a child on someone who doesn't want one. And why would you want a man who doesn't want a child to be the father of your child?

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 14/02/2023 15:16

Sisisimone · 14/02/2023 14:59

I think if you knew you wanted 2+ children choosing a 48 yr old partner that already had 3 teens wasn't really the way to go. I'm surprised he wanted to start again at all tbh

This. With bells on.

Dixiechickonhols · 14/02/2023 15:20

If people are making assumptions not talking it’s a pretty easy guess that most people in their late 40s with 3 or 4 children already wouldn’t want another. Most people don’t have 4 or 5 children these days.
I suspect he’s felt he’s aged about 10 years in 2 yrs since dc4, realised he’ll be retired when they are still needing supporting, been mistaken for grandad, perhaps health issues etc and generally found it much much harder than anticipated so is now in the firm no more camp. Lots of people in their late 40s are living nice lives - holidays, meals out, able to leave dc to it, no childcare worries. It’s nice (I’m in this age group/older teen dc) and if he’s seeing his peers or colleagues living that type of life he’s probably very aware of it.

Canthave2manycats · 14/02/2023 15:20

Ofbollocks · 14/02/2023 13:12

At 48, I think yabu. You knew how old he was

At 35 though, the OP is not unreasonable - her DH knew she was 13 years younger than he was!

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 14/02/2023 15:24

This happened to me. He agreed before we married we'd have 2 or 3 children. We had one. I was broody but he kept me hanging on saying he wanted to wait a little while. Waited and waited, then he eventually decided he didn't want more.

Broke up for other reasons. I've since had a hysterectomy for medical reasons. He's gone to to meet someone else and had further children with her.

It hurts a lot. I wish he'd been more honest in the first place.

Ansjovis · 14/02/2023 15:25

Having children is a two yes, one no issue. I know someone in your position, though without the age gap. She called her husband's bluff, thinking that he'd cave in rather than risk the marriage ending. The marriage did end and she still hasn't had any more children. Any action that isn't going to get yourself counselling with the aim of coming to terms with having one child is risky.

Smineusername · 14/02/2023 15:25

I totally disagree with everyone here he should give you your second child and suck it up. I would not accept this