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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

338 replies

Wantanotherandanother · 14/02/2023 12:05

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

OP posts:
BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 14/02/2023 15:26

Naunet · 14/02/2023 14:47

Agree, equally though, he shouldn’t be surprised that this is what comes from marrying a much younger woman either.

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Absolutely, there's been naivety on both sides here. The 'winner' has to be the person who doesn't want another, there's never any way round that, but it should've been obvious from the start that both of these stances were a realistic possibility.

ItchyBillco · 14/02/2023 15:26

Smineusername · 14/02/2023 15:25

I totally disagree with everyone here he should give you your second child and suck it up. I would not accept this

You cannot force a child on someone. If a man wanted a child and a woman didn’t, your viewpoint would make for a truly horrifying outcome.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 14/02/2023 15:27

Smineusername · 14/02/2023 15:25

I totally disagree with everyone here he should give you your second child and suck it up. I would not accept this

It's... not really a question of accepting though, is it? It's about whether to stay in the marriage or not.

Needsomeadvice33 · 14/02/2023 15:28

You choose and older man with 3 grown kids. This was an inevitable outcome. Your lucky he had one. You had poor expectations from your relationship with him. I'm surprised he even had one with you.

steff13 · 14/02/2023 15:29

Smineusername · 14/02/2023 15:25

I totally disagree with everyone here he should give you your second child and suck it up. I would not accept this

Yup, that's exactly the situation you want to bring a child into; who cares if the parents really want it, or just had to "suck it up" and accept it.

CaveMum · 14/02/2023 15:29

Smineusername · 14/02/2023 15:25

I totally disagree with everyone here he should give you your second child and suck it up. I would not accept this

So if this was the other way round (man wants baby, woman doesn't) you think it would be perfectly acceptable for the woman to be FORCED to have unprotected sex (aka raped) and then forced to continue an unwanted pregnancy?

If one partner says no, the answer is no. End of discussion.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 14/02/2023 15:29

Unfortunately if he's done he's done... And I can understand how that must be so hard, especially right now when any mum friends are probably having their second, the next couple of years will be hard as they announce pregnancies, but it will pass.

ButterCrackers · 14/02/2023 15:32

Why should you have to give up on having another child. Tell your partner how you feel. You’re young enough to find someone else to be a father for your second child.

louise5754 · 14/02/2023 15:33

I'd be pissed off too.

But I think dating a man with kids especially an older man may result in 0 or just the 1. I do feel for you.

Ansjovis · 14/02/2023 15:34

ButterCrackers · 14/02/2023 15:32

Why should you have to give up on having another child. Tell your partner how you feel. You’re young enough to find someone else to be a father for your second child.

Why should she give up? Err, it may well result in her custody of her first child reducing by 50% I'd say that's a pretty good reason to give up. Much rather have one child in a home with both parents than be a parent of two with one child living part time elsewhere.

1Wanda1 · 14/02/2023 15:37

I'm sorry you're disappointed, though I see your DH's point. I am nearly 47 and have a 4 year old with DW. I also have 2 uni-age DC from first marriage. When DW wanted kids I was very clear that I would have one more but only one. I just knew I wouldn't want more than one more.

We have another frozen embryo and every now and then DW says she'd like another child. I just can't do it. I'm too old, the early years are too demanding, I have a demanding career, and I don't want to be pushing 70 with a kid still at university. I just don't have it in me to give a fourth child all the time and attention it would need, as well as all the other things to do I already have in my life. So I can understand your DH. If he said before that he'd have 2 kids with you and has now changed his mind though, that's tough on you.

ButterCrackers · 14/02/2023 15:37

Ansjovis · 14/02/2023 15:34

Why should she give up? Err, it may well result in her custody of her first child reducing by 50% I'd say that's a pretty good reason to give up. Much rather have one child in a home with both parents than be a parent of two with one child living part time elsewhere.

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That could happen to anyone. He might already has reduced contact with his first family. So nothing new for him. For the OP yes the family childcare would change but she must be used to this with the first family kids parenting.

DuplicateUserName · 14/02/2023 15:37

Ansjovis · 14/02/2023 15:34

Why should she give up? Err, it may well result in her custody of her first child reducing by 50% I'd say that's a pretty good reason to give up. Much rather have one child in a home with both parents than be a parent of two with one child living part time elsewhere.

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You just saved me typing that.

Plus, who's to say she wouldn't find a bloke who turns out to be infertile anyway?

FloraSpoke · 14/02/2023 15:54

My DH is the same age as yours OP and we have the same dilemma- our toddler is 18 months, I would like a second but he doesn’t want one. But in our case, there are no children from a previous relationship, we just ended up as older parents (I am 41) as a result of a very long and hard fertility struggle. There is no one in the wrong in this situation, it’s a case of what you can live with. In your situation your DC does at least have half-siblings, which I would hope gives you some consolation.

Naunet · 14/02/2023 16:03

Ansjovis · 14/02/2023 15:34

Why should she give up? Err, it may well result in her custody of her first child reducing by 50% I'd say that's a pretty good reason to give up. Much rather have one child in a home with both parents than be a parent of two with one child living part time elsewhere.

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OP, does he have/has he had his other kids 50% of the time? If not, I can’t see that changing with yours if you were to leave.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 14/02/2023 16:21

He may well have assumed he'd be ok with more than one but the shock of a baby at 46 as opposed to 20s or 30s was enough to show him he hasn't got the energy for a newborn at nearly 50. God knows I haven't!

The one who says No gets to cast the veto; no one should be pushed into having a child they don't want. It's not fair on a reluctant parent and is deeply unfair to an unwanted child.

I can empathise with your desire for another baby. If it's a dealbreaker, you could always split up and got it on your own via sperm donation. But is that what you want for yourself and your toddler?

KimberleyClark · 14/02/2023 16:27

If he had three kids already you should not have assumed he'd be up for several more with you. It sounds like he agreed to one for your sake.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2023 16:37

ButterCrackers · 14/02/2023 15:37

That could happen to anyone. He might already has reduced contact with his first family. So nothing new for him. For the OP yes the family childcare would change but she must be used to this with the first family kids parenting.

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It's completely different having your Step children reduced time to suddenly sharing your 2 yo even if it is only EOW etc whilst you desperately look for a man who's up for TTC. By the time she's known him long enough to introduce her young child, then they've lived together and then started to TTC she'll be 38 at youngest, assuming she leaves now. I had twins at 38 so nothing wrong with that but it's a lot of pressure at an age where fertility declines steadily.

I left my marriage, broke up a happy home, gave up part of my time with DS just so you would impregnate me!

She can if she wishes, but it's a massive step for a maybe.

aSofaNearYou · 14/02/2023 16:40

It's hard to say without knowing what kind of conversations you had - if he should have had a general idea that you wanted more than one child, basically. I do think this is pretty shitty of him if he did know that about you, regardless of how entitled he might be to change his mind. That doesn't change the sacrifices he's caused you to have to make.

I think it's a bit simplistic of people to say if you just made peace with it, you could have a nice intact family with your one child and 3 DSC. Personally, I'd resent him and them too much to be happy so it would likely blow up the relationship anyway.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2023 16:42

Naunet · 14/02/2023 16:03

OP, does he have/has he had his other kids 50% of the time? If not, I can’t see that changing with yours if you were to leave.

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So if he's a bit of a lax dad to the older ones, so it's OK to leave him cos he'll barely bother with the 2 year old, when is she going to do all the dating necessary to find, in her mid 30s, a decent bloke who's open to having a(nother) child, who's happy to take on a step child and is willing to do all that pretty quickly?

Her 2 yo will then have half siblings with DAD, LIKELY step siblings from the bf and POSSIBLY a half sibling from Mom.

Or a single Mom with 1 child who's miserable she threw away her marriage

fitzwilliamdarcy · 14/02/2023 16:45

I find it really alarming how many people on this thread are advocating for splitting up the family of an existing very young child so that OP can pursue her daydream of having more babies. They're not toys - they're human beings, whose lives can get really messed up by divorce and shared custody arrangements.

If OP wanted to have multiple kids then she should've chosen who to have them with more carefully. That's the bottom line. Marriages fail and sometimes that can't be helped, but deliberately ending one so as to go off and try and have more babies is abhorrent.

Ihadenough22 · 14/02/2023 16:50

He is 48 and your 35. I think the fact he had a child with you when was 46 shows that he loves you. He already had 3 teenagers and went back to the baby stage for you.
He is probably finding it harder than he did when his other children were at the baby/toddler stage.

I think that due to his age and the age of his older kids this is understandable why he does not want another child. His older kids are coming up to university stage which can be expensive and along with this I am sure he does not want to be working past retirement age.

I know you want another child but you need to accept that he does not. Even if you broke up their is no guarantee that you find another man who wants a child with you.
Rather than consentrating on the fact that your not going to have a second child I think you should enjoy the child and the life you currently have.

Also you don't know what will happen in the future for either of you or the kids you have.

steff13 · 14/02/2023 16:58

DuplicateUserName · 14/02/2023 15:37

You just saved me typing that.

Plus, who's to say she wouldn't find a bloke who turns out to be infertile anyway?

Show quote history

OP could also have secondary infertility herself. Or, it may take her a few years to find a guy she wants to be with, at which time her fertility might naturally be at a decline. The welfare of the existing child has to come first; why break up its family?

drpet49 · 14/02/2023 17:48

Needsomeadvice33 · 14/02/2023 15:28

You choose and older man with 3 grown kids. This was an inevitable outcome. Your lucky he had one. You had poor expectations from your relationship with him. I'm surprised he even had one with you.

This. OP has been very naive here.

Canthave2manycats · 14/02/2023 23:53

I'd like some feedback from the OP - @Wantanotherandanother if you are still reading!!

I don't know why so many people are determined to pin this on you. Your DH damn well knew he was marrying a much younger woman, and he has as much need to deal with the consequences of that as you do!

I had two miscarriages trying for our third and I lived in fear DH would change his mind after all the heartbreak. I can honestly say I don't think I would ever have forgiven him if he had.