Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

[Wantanotherandanother]

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

They're not 'stepsiblings'. They have the same father.

Irrational self-indulgent rubbish. You do come across as ridiculously entitled. The OP is undeniably able to break up her marriage and family, but for what is ultimately an act of selfishness.

As for the DH, it’s totally unreasonable to decide against being responsible for the physical, emotional and financial welfare of another human being for 18+ years, is it?

Neither of you ABU, you just want different things. There’s no easy answer.

I think it’s a bit unfair to assume your DH tricked you. We always planned on 3 kids but after DC2 I just knew I couldn’t have any more. I completely adore my children but my mind & body just felt unable of managing another pregnancy and I felt our family was complete. DH was disappointed and would have preferred to have a 3rd but fortunately he knew that it would be too much for me and agreed to stick as we were.

To be fair, @Canthave2manycats, some people are saying that the wishes of the person who doesn’t want another child should trump those of the person who does - which is the man in this case, but would apply equally if the positions were reversed.

But as I said earlier, there is no easy answer, it is a very binary situation with no obvious (or even not obvious) compromise.

I’m glad you realise that what you said was ridiculous.

It means the wishes of the person that doesn’t want a child override the feelings of the person who does, regardless of their respective sexes.

No, you are not capable of greater objectivity than anyone else, given that your opinions are still formed by your own biases.

I thought we'd got past the point of women having to do as their man tells them

If the man is telling a woman “no, I don’t want another baby”, she does not have the right to ignore that and override him because she’s a woman. That’s not feminism, that’s fucking nuts.

Not sure if you tagged me by mistake? I haven't had my 'tubes tied'.

And you seem to be persistently ignoring all of the people who are pointing out it's not that 'the man's wishes trump the woman's'. It's that the person who doesn't want a child shouldn't be forced to have one, regardless of sex.

A LOT of people have pointed that out to you but you seem to keep posting the same nonsensical stuff repeatedly.

Wow. This is an emotive topic, huh?

So, what happens when grandchildren come along, particularly with the three teens? Is everyone saying that the dad will be too frail and senile to interact with them?

A) 24 hours a day, as with your own children? He might find them a bit knackering, yes. I don't hand over my 4 year old to my 70s aged parents for days at a time.

B) My friend's dad was 48 when she was born. She had children in her 30s and he'd been dead for a decade.

What about my reply was bitchy?!

Given the average age of first time mums is now over 30, it's fair to say that someone having children at 48 may never meet their grandchildren.

@Canthave2manycats Not one page ago you were telling us all off for not being good feminists and now you’re describing us using a misogynistic word? And you talk about hypocrisy…

Yeah, 'coven of bitches' doesn't scream 'sisterhood' really, does it?

Oh i see we also had 'bitter', 'embittered' and 'vipers' all from the same poster.

At 48 I would sure as hell want to be done as well, especially if I had 4 children already.

Love the family unit you have. You are very blessed to have it.

What comments were those then?

so your understanding of a balanced and happy marriage is ‘the husband provides what the wife wants’? Presumably your father wasn’t against having more children, which isn’t the same thing as being expected to provide them for someone regardless of your own feelings on the matter. The latter isn’t a ‘love story’, it’s servitude.

What your father did is irrelevant, however. This man isn’t your father, and nor does he have to follow his ‘example’.

I'd really like to read a comment from @Wantanotherandanother.

However I can understand why there isn't one.

I wonder how many posters would say those things to someone's face? Not many, I wager. The OP posted about something very personal and emotional. She must feel like shit, reading some of the responses.