Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

338 replies

Wantanotherandanother · 14/02/2023 12:05

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

OP posts:
SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 14/02/2023 12:35

I think at his age and 4s kid its unlikely he ever wanted more, but did not tell you in case you left.

Essexgal2023 · 14/02/2023 12:36

OP I hope this doesn’t come across insensitive but sometimes I can never understand why big things such as the number of children you’d both like to have or why you “waited and waited” for him to bring up having another baby - could you of not started this conversation yourself seeing as you are a married couple and should be able to discuss things like this together.

Nonetheless you’ve spoken about it now and I do feel for you. This is a really hard situation and at 48 with 4 children I can totally understand your DH’s point but I also understand your point too. Do I think you can compromise? I don’t think so. There isn’t really a middle ground. It’s either your husband have a baby that he doesn’t want which isn’t fair or you having to give up the idea of having another child.
Neither you or your DH are in the wrong for feeling the way you feel. I think it will take time for you if you do decide to stay with DH and not have a second child together. In a way, you are grieving the child you thought you’d have but didn’t.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/02/2023 12:39

Normally I very much sympathise with the person who is done- but actually I think your husband is an arse! He wasn't naïve to children or his age. It's not unreasonable when you marry younger that your new wife might want to bring up siblings. I don't think you are unreasonable OP and I'd feel duped.

Iwonder08 · 14/02/2023 12:41

You say yourself you haven't discussed the number of children. Even if you did he is allowed to reconsider given fresh experience with the baby. He is not a spring chicken, has older kids too. I am with him, he is just being sensible. You are not a prisoner, you can leave however you would be prioritising your desire to have another child with another man over best interests of your existing child.

RachelSq · 14/02/2023 12:44

I’m in a similar but different boat - we agreed “one and done” but I changed my mind and want more.

It’s very, very tough accepting this (and I know it’s something I agreed), but I know deep down the person who doesn’t want another child has to be the one that gets their way as a child should be wanted by both parents.

It does sometimes get me down, but my DH is supporting and even apologetic about not wanting more children. I’ve accepted I’m happier with one child and my little family how it is than I would be if I broke up our family to try to have another baby.

Wishfulthankin · 14/02/2023 12:47

He's not unreasonable.

I don't understand why people see this as a deal breaker, so you're prepared to walk away from an otherwise happy relationship, start over, coparent with 50/50 contact the child you desperately wanted (trust me it's hard) to have another child with another man who may be an idiot, change the whole family dynamic etc. Is it really worth that?

diddl · 14/02/2023 12:47

Realistically Op, with three kids already-how many did you think he'd be wanting?

Daizie · 14/02/2023 12:47

Neither of you are wrong, but at 48 the last thing I'd want is more kids. I suppose that's the risk you run being with someone much older.

VestaTilley · 14/02/2023 12:49

48 is too old in my view. He should have been honest with you from the start, but equally you can’t force him to have more.

In your place I’d make my peace with it. Enjoy the DC you do have and build a good relationship with your DSCs.

HoppingPavlova · 14/02/2023 12:49

I doubt he has deceived you. He was likely thinking of his previous experiences but then realised it’s in no way the same at 48yo, but is one hell of a slog instead, and thought ‘nope’.

I imagine the only ‘compromise’ is you doing everything and then that just won’t work as it will breed resentment and the wheels will fall off quick smart.

BreviloquentBastard · 14/02/2023 12:52

I don't think either of you are wrong, it's just unfortunate.

I'm 32 and wouldn't want more than my one, so I completely understand why at 48 he doesn't want to turn 4 into 5. I've been occasionally broody but I value what we have over repeating the experience of pregnancy and babyhood.

Aside from broodiness what are your reasons for wanting another? You can actually ignore your biological impulse to breed if doing so would be generally non-beneficial for yourself, your family, and most importantly the child you already have.

Indáirire · 14/02/2023 12:53

Well of course he doesn't want more kids. He's 48 and he's got 4. If I was in his shoes I'd already be stressed to the eyeballs paying for the ones I've got. I think you're being naive. No, it's not your fault he's got kids already but it's also not his problem that you only have one.

OhmygodDont · 14/02/2023 12:54

Honestly with him already having three teenagers how many more children realistically did you think he would want at 48 years of age. I’m going to guess having one child with you was his compromise as not many people at all want to go back to nappies with three teenagers at what would have been 46 years of age.

If you never actually discussed numbers his not tricked you you’ve just assumed and you no what they say about assuming.

Dixiechickonhols · 14/02/2023 12:56

48 and 4 children is a lot I can understand very much where he’s coming from. 5 children to support would be an even bigger responsibility and I’m his age and the thought of having a baby isn’t what I’d want at all. If he has one now they’ll still be at school when he’s retired. I think you were naive not to discuss your big age gap or size of family in advance.
If you are happy generally I’d personally make peace and enjoy life as you are.

drpet49 · 14/02/2023 12:57

OhmygodDont · 14/02/2023 12:54

Honestly with him already having three teenagers how many more children realistically did you think he would want at 48 years of age. I’m going to guess having one child with you was his compromise as not many people at all want to go back to nappies with three teenagers at what would have been 46 years of age.

If you never actually discussed numbers his not tricked you you’ve just assumed and you no what they say about assuming.

This.

Springpetal · 14/02/2023 12:57

Well that was obvious
not many people want more than 3 kids
I’m surprised he even even wanted one

5 kids is a lot financially,not many families can afford 5 kids ,it’s a luxury

berksandbeyond · 14/02/2023 12:58

YABU. He already has 3, surely you knew you’d be lucky he’d even want one?! No one should be having 5 kids, even with multiple women.

2bazookas · 14/02/2023 12:59

I think you're being unreasonable.
I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around

But he didn't/ couldn't know that UNTIL he became a 48 yr old dad of a 2 yr old.

At 48 one has far less energy/patience stamina to keep up with a new baby 24/7, than one did 10 or 20 years earlier The broken nights, the teething, the non-stop demands are harder.

And no doubt this experience has made him think, I can cope with teens at 48, but will it be much harder at 60 to 70?

Yes, it will.

Lockheart · 14/02/2023 13:01

A baby is a huge change and bloody hard work, even if you've done it before.

It's not totally unreasonable to think "fuck this I am NOT doing this again" when a baby arrives, even if previously you wanted multiple.

ButterflyOil · 14/02/2023 13:02

I think the trouble is the age gap and your relative life experiences. He’s got teens already and perhaps he felt he’d be ok to start again but he is pushing fifty now with a two year old. I can totally understand how reality has hit and he feels he’s passed the stage of wanting to parent more young children.

Is he a good and present father to the child you have together? I think as long as he is you should focus on your little family unit. Four kids is a lot, and you did know he already had older kids. Maybe you both had rose tinted glasses on a bit thinking he’d be alright to have more children. Any further kids you have now will mean basically a parenting stretch of decades for him. That’s a lot, can’t think of many people who’d love to parent teens into their late sixties - that’s basically retirement age!

Sorry but you chose to partner up with a much older man who already had kids and this is the consequence. Probably lucky he agreed to the first one tbh but he probably had his rose coloured glasses on as well about how tough the early years are. I think you’ll need to let this go sadly. Focus on your existing child who already has three half siblings and their relationship with each other. Good luck!

mummymeister · 14/02/2023 13:02

you might not want to compromise because there isnt one. its not like buying a car and you want to spend 10k and he wants to spend 30k so you compromise at 20k is it. there is either a baby or there is not. so one side gets what they want all of it and the other side gets nothing. the one saying no gets to decide in this case I am afraid if you want to stay as a couple. you either have to work out if you can live with this or you cant. there is no compromise here.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 14/02/2023 13:03

I think you were both naive, probably you more so. You to think a much older man with several children already could be assumed to be happy changing nappies potentially well into his 50s and having kids doing A levels while he's claiming his pension. Him not to realise there was always a realistic chance a much younger, family minded woman would want what is a pretty standard and probably the idealised number of children in our society.

The person who doesn't want any more always has to 'win', it's much better than the alternative, but it's very hard. There are marriages that have foundered on disagreements over the number of DC. Fwiw, I think you've more chance of being able to cope with it if you think he's just changed his mind. If even part of me believed it was actual deception, that would shake the foundations of the marriage.

ClearMoth · 14/02/2023 13:05

Viviennemary · 14/02/2023 12:30

I think if you have only one child and want another your DH should agree.It's not your fault he has children from a previous relationship. Maybe he can be talked round. Thats what I would do.

It is her fault unless she didn't know he already had three children.

quietnightmare · 14/02/2023 13:05

You are both right but he had no other children then he has more of a leg to stand on but to have 3 with someone else and then refuse your child a sibling and an opportunity to be a mother of two is a hard pill to swallow.

ButterflyOil · 14/02/2023 13:07

quietnightmare · 14/02/2023 13:05

You are both right but he had no other children then he has more of a leg to stand on but to have 3 with someone else and then refuse your child a sibling and an opportunity to be a mother of two is a hard pill to swallow.

She a mother of one and stepmother of three. The toddler has three half siblings so has not broke denied siblings at all - unless you think his existing children don’t count in this new blended family.

Swipe left for the next trending thread