Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

[Wantanotherandanother]

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

The amount of threads about someone ‘being rude’ and saying something an OP doesn’t like suggests that actually plenty of people don’t have an issue with saying things face to face.

I sometimes get quite depressed following threads. Quite a lot of pretty shallow values sometimes. And not a lot of compassion.

It's all in the way it's said. People like you just hide behind a keyboard.

Bold assumption. Don’t worry, you’d think me a cunt in live action too 🙂

You are both not being unreasonable.

You "always knew" you'd have children, just never discussed how many. Who always knew - only you? Or you and your husband? Not having discussed it, you can't say your husband knew he was going to stop at one before marrying you as a way to dupe you. Perhaps he did only want one child, but because you never discussed it, you have no idea. And he seems to have had no idea you wanted multiple children with him. Do you really want to deny your child having his father in his life after a divorce in order to pursue someone who will have multiple children with you? And if no one comes into your life, are you going to tell your child that you left the family to have other kids but, gee, that didn't work out?

Think about it this way. At your age, it may be a good idea to stop while you are ahead. Children sometimes come with difficulties, physical and mental.

So you claim your husband wasn't honest and has changed his opinion and now some trust is broken. You have openly said you NEVER discussed a number of children you wanted. The only one who was dishonest and impacted the trust between you two was you. Omission is still lying. You KNEW he would have an issue with 2, as he is 48 and has 3 already. That is why, just knowing he was ok with having more kids you never bothered to ask how many. You weren't allowing him to put his 2 cents in because you knew you wouldn't like his opinion and you decided his opinion doesn't matter. Otherwise you would have asked. Assuming makes an ass out of you and me. Also... you don't have one kid. You now have 4. 1 biological and 3 step kids. When you marry someone with kids they are part of the package you know. You CLAIM he knew you wanted more kids, but all you have said is you said you wanted kids and he said ok. No numbers or how far apart or plans or ANYTHING were discussed. I bet if you sat down and talked to him about why his opinion changed so much, he would be confused because in his memory he never said he wanted multiple kids. Just agreed to you having a kid.

You are being very unreasonable, having a child is a blessing but just because you can doesn't mean you should. Assumptions are premeditated disappointments. These are things you discuss prior to marriage and even so people are allowed to change their minds. Children should be brought up in a household were both parents were expecting them. You asked and your partner gave you a response, respect that and make your choice. So many here, have responded to keep nagging about it, just want to let you all know that's manipulative and very ugly behavior. Enjoy your baby, be there for them and enjoy all the phases rather than worrying about a non-existent child.

Yes little woman, don’t have any thoughts or ideas or wants of your own. Your happiness means squat, just let your husband decide how your life is going to go and learn to enjoy it. Whatever you do, don’t nag him.

Unpopular opinion - women, if you know you want more than one child, don't leave newborn/toddler care to men. Make it easy for them. 🙃 It's even backed up with reserch - men want multiple children when they do less care. Wish for more children drops, when they are the ones changing diapers. Can't find it anymore, but it was done in Italy few years ago.

I really hope that that attitude is changing, @user1478172746! Ds1 and his wife had their first baby last year, and he adores looking after her - he is as involved as he can possibly be, and loves spending time with her, either with his wife or one-to-one. I am 100% sure that having to look after his baby is not going to put him off them having another one.

Societal attitudes do change over time, and I can only hope that this is one of the ones that changes fast.

I think this is as old as time. There has always been a mix of men who either want to be actively involved, or really don’t. I think that more men may be involved now than say in the 50’s as both parents are likely to work outside the home so the burden (of both child rearing and earning) is shared freeing up more time for dads to be hands on. They’re the kind who would have always wanted to, but practically couldn’t. There will always be men who aren’t engaged in it.