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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents who let their kids 'play out' are just completely abdicating responsibility for their kids' behaviour?

571 replies

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 14/02/2023 09:05

We have a little walled playground near our house - little climbing frame, slide, stepping stones, toddler swing, very clearly aimed at a young primary/pre-school audience.

It's currently being completely taken over by a huge group of 10-12 preteen/early teen boys playing very rough games of football with real leather footballs. The bang the balls off the walls and hoof them in the air so they go careering everywhere at speed, they run around roughly after the ball pushing and shoving each other and getting in other people's personal space, they fight and shout aggressively and swear. Not a parent in sight of course so no-one to appeal to to get them to moderate their behaviour/find a more suitable venue (like say the massive park 5 minutes walk away). I've had a word now and again but generally just get mutinous stares and/or backchat. I can't really take my kids (2 and 6) there to play any more as it isn't safe for them and the atmosphere is so aggressive.

Why do people just turn their kids out of doors with no idea where they're going/what they're doing? It makes it impossible for other parents - either they have to tell your kid off for you (immediately in the wrong) or they simply have to either put up with inappropriate, loutish behaviour or give way to it and leave.

OP posts:
TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 14/02/2023 16:09

arethereanyleftatall · 14/02/2023 13:11

Is this what this has come to - people actual defending a boy hoofing a ball at a toddler in the face causing it to bleed - because 'she's a princess.' Oh, and the toddler is the one in the right place. Stop the world, I want to get off.

We aren’t defending things that didn’t happen. No one has done that

WiIson · 14/02/2023 16:09

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2023 15:24

Second time I’ve asked the question, second time it’s been ignored. I get it’s daunting I’ve done the same for my dd when she was small. Usually big kids are pretty considerate.

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To be honest they usually are fairly considerate when spoken to politely with a reason why they are being asked to do something.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 14/02/2023 16:13

arethereanyleftatall · 14/02/2023 13:21

Playing football isn't grim, no @WiIson
Playing football in a toddler play area, making a toddler bleed, and then other parents laughing about it on a chat forum and calling said toddler girl a princess, is though.

It seems that storytelling is the weapon of choice for many on this thread. Why are you making stuff up? Who has laughed about toddlers being hit in the face with footballs? Who?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 14/02/2023 16:15

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 14/02/2023 13:24

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

I can't believe how twisted this thread has become OP.

People read between the lines and come up with their own agendas which reveal their own experiences.

The main protagonist works in a school - you couldn't make it up.

My grandchildren have been hit by balls in a toddler playground. Older children, boys or girls, should have the intelligence to realise they should not be playing anywhere near where a toddler could get hurt - accidentally or not. I'm not convinced it is all accidental - no one thinking clearly would boot a hard case football about aggressively within range of a toddler.

Who’s the main protagonist who works in a school??

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 14/02/2023 16:16

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 14/02/2023 13:25

There isn't enough space to play football. Which is exactly my point!

I wish I could post a photo without it being incredibly outing! Basically the park is at the end of a row of terraced houses and is about as wide as a terraced house. there's a gate at each end. down one end (between two brick walls either side) is the play equipment; the boys use one wall each as a 'goal' and weave between the equipment to do so.

At the other end there is a sort of square surrounded by benches with elevated shrubbery behind them. This is almost always completely empty bar the odd person having a sit-down and a sandwich. All the kids and parents are clustered down the other end round the equipment. The whole thing is no longer than the depth of a two back to back terraced houses.

I don't know WHY they don't use the empty end, and I assume it's because there's nothing obvious to act as a 'goal' like the walls do.

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Maybe because it’s muddy

GoodChat · 14/02/2023 16:17

Since when have boys playing football ever cared about a bit of mud?

Original poster
MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 14/02/2023 16:19

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 14/02/2023 16:16

Maybe because it’s muddy

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Oh gawd come on. I've said. It's not muddy. It's paved.

OP posts:
WiIson · 14/02/2023 16:19

Logburnerperils · 14/02/2023 15:08

I am not a boy so that would be weird. I was also raised correctly so don't cause trouble for other people going about their lives.

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Well you said being male I think I am more than qualified to have this opinion In which case you were a boy at one stage. Weren't you allowed out independently without a supervisor with you? At what stage should you have been allowed out independently? 18? Older? Never?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 14/02/2023 16:26

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 14/02/2023 13:37

Ask them where they're going, maybe check on them every now and then by walking by on your wat to the shop or whatever - not every time they go out, very rarely, but enough that they know they're not completely unaccountable. Give them responsibilities like going out to do some shopping for the family on their own, picking up and dropping off younger siblings to school/clubs/playdates, try and get them a Saturday job or a paper round, things that actually teach them about being an adult rather than just hanging around with their mates. Lots of ways to foster independence without just throwing up your hands and hoping for the best, especially before about 14.

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LOL there you go parents of teens, problems solved 🤣

watcherintherye · 14/02/2023 16:34

I was also raised correctly so don't cause trouble for other people going about their lives.

Do you think you could give me a few tips? I feel, as a mother of boys, that I’ll inevitably be doing it all wrong.

DashboardConfessional · 14/02/2023 16:36

watcherintherye · 14/02/2023 16:34

I was also raised correctly so don't cause trouble for other people going about their lives.

Do you think you could give me a few tips? I feel, as a mother of boys, that I’ll inevitably be doing it all wrong.

I think we're supposed to lock them up from age 3 onwards, and then just extract the sperm when needed for the sake of keeping the human race going.

Inastatus · 14/02/2023 16:40

BenCoopersSupportWren · 14/02/2023 14:29

Oh OP, you can't win - it's AIBU and the usual need some MNers have to prove the OP wrong at any cost. Tomorrow you could name change and post "AIBU to think my 10 and 12 year old boys and their friends have every right to play football in the toddler playground rather than in the park a few minutes further on which has football pitches laid out" and half the posters deriding you here would be telling you of course YABU, toddler playgrounds are for small children under parental supervision.

@BenCoopersSupportWren - but that’s not the OP’s point. Her AIBU is that she thinks parents of early teenagers are being irresponsible by letting their kids play out unsupervised which is simply ridiculous.

Tidsleytiddy · 14/02/2023 16:51

millymae · 14/02/2023 14:00

Well if ever there was a thread that got out of hand this is it. The general point was about older kids playing inappropriate games in a toddlers play area. How can anyone think this is in anyway acceptable or try and defend the indefensible by belittling some of OP’s comments.

I have no idea where the OP lives but she’s not alone in what she’s experienced. Our toddler park is exactly the same. It’s often not a pleasant place to take the little ones even during school hours when the big kids aren’t there. Who wants to sit on swing or seat with chewing gum stuck on it or let their little one play on equipment that’s been vandalised or run round amongst all the cans etc just flung on the floor. And before anyone tells me that I could pick the cans and mess up, of course I could, but it shouldn’t be down to me to do so as they shouldn’t have been dumped there in the first place.

I have no idea what the answer to the problem is other than for us all to take our parental responsibilities seriously and teach our children right from wrong. As I said in my earlier where I live there are plenty of safe outdoor play areas and organised indoor activities that kids could access if they wanted to (there’s a well kept grass area with goals right next door) but for some reason they prefer to mess around in the enclosed toddler area and choose to ignore anyone who asks them to move,

100 per cent correct

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 14/02/2023 16:59

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl

You have said twice that you work in a school.

Calm down dear.

I could write a book with the anecdotes I've collected from my experience with parents (and colleagues) over the years - it would be a comedy overall with some dark moments thrown in for a bit of balance.

The old adage of apples not falling far from the tree.... shines brightly on this thread.

WiIson · 14/02/2023 16:59

DashboardConfessional · 14/02/2023 16:36

I think we're supposed to lock them up from age 3 onwards, and then just extract the sperm when needed for the sake of keeping the human race going.

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It does seem a bit like that with all the boy hate going on.

WiIson · 14/02/2023 17:00

Calm down dear.

Internalised misogyny.

3LittleFishes · 14/02/2023 17:03

I think we're supposed to lock them up from age 3 onwards, and then just extract the sperm when needed for the sake of keeping the human race going.
I think it should be mandatory that the mothers on this thread with opinions similar to this come back in ten years time when they actually have experience of teenagers/pre teens!
They are children, they will sometimes make mistakes. It is not a parents job to helicopter them until they are 21.

watcherintherye · 14/02/2023 17:03

DashboardConfessional · 14/02/2023 16:36

I think we're supposed to lock them up from age 3 onwards, and then just extract the sperm when needed for the sake of keeping the human race going.

Show quote history

Ha! Yes, and the demonising starts so early. I’ll never forget when I had ds3, a matter of days in, when a neighbour saw the pram and asked what I’d had - “Another boy! Poor you!” In front of my other 2 ds (8 and 6)!!! Told her very emphatically that I loved having boys (which I do!) Fuck off neighbour is probably what I should have said.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 14/02/2023 17:20

Who has said that they 'hate' boys?

Genuine question.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 14/02/2023 17:20

WiIson · 14/02/2023 17:00

Calm down dear.

Internalised misogyny.

Ok
Thanks for that

Ludo19 · 14/02/2023 17:25

BethDuttonsTwin · 14/02/2023 09:18

I agree with you but MNetters love pontificating about the need to learn “independence” and “responsibility” while conveniently ignoring that their darlings are making other people’s lives difficult while they supposedly learn these skills and said MNetters pat themselves on the back for not being like those foolish “helicopter” parents who don’t allow their kids out to piss about aimlessly annoying others.

100% This.

WiIson · 14/02/2023 17:30

watcherintherye · 14/02/2023 17:03

Ha! Yes, and the demonising starts so early. I’ll never forget when I had ds3, a matter of days in, when a neighbour saw the pram and asked what I’d had - “Another boy! Poor you!” In front of my other 2 ds (8 and 6)!!! Told her very emphatically that I loved having boys (which I do!) Fuck off neighbour is probably what I should have said.

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I've had similar. Fuck off would get the point across. But sadly can't say it in front of small children.

IndiaDreamer · 14/02/2023 17:35

watcherintherye · 14/02/2023 16:34

I was also raised correctly so don't cause trouble for other people going about their lives.

Do you think you could give me a few tips? I feel, as a mother of boys, that I’ll inevitably be doing it all wrong.

Of course you will, it is never right to raise a boy, we should drown them all at birth.

Goldenbear · 14/02/2023 18:23

What sort of childhood will your children have if you think that preteens should be watched all of the time! This will fundamentally stifle their development, there was quite a famous study done on this in Spain, where the design of the playgrounds afforded either developmental opportunities as the children had to learn to negotiate and compromise without an adult telling them to do so or the other design had the constant presence of a park keeper that was responsible for policing the park and would constantly intervene, telling the children to say sorry if they had for example, taken another one's ball without asking. The second park was visited a lot less than the first one as children don't want the constant hovering of an adult telling them how to interact. Equally, children need to develop self discipline for the greater good of society, this doesn't happen with constant adult supervision with the corresponding punitive measures.

PP talking about their young grandchildren in similar scenarios, well equally, they will be pre teens and teens before you know it, having no provisions and being demonised for being a certain age. I am heartily fed up with this notion of all teenage boys in particular as almost certainly up to no good. My DS is nearly 16 revising all day and most of the night for his GCSE Mocks, he also wants to go to a hip hop festival in the summer when the GCSEs end with his friends, none of them are hooligans, none of them are irrational, abusive or unreasonable. People who say this literally have no clue and tbh I do question the intelligence of those who are insistent that all pre-teen/teen boys are bad from seeing a few naughty boys in the park or reading about it in the daily mail, you do realise that many are at home not doing those things. Or even, shock horror, that sometimes 16 year olds smoke but also are perfectly civilised members of society that are on course for 3 As at A level are going to the top universities and are clever enough to realise what is and isn't morally sound behaviour!

WiIson · 14/02/2023 18:36

Goldenbear yes. To all of that.