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Original poster

Sense of loss after some one has lost weight.

190 replies

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:05

I had a male friend for three years. We were very close. He was very overweight all that time. I never thought it was a bad thing. That is just how he was.

I moved away to work in another country for a couple of years. I recently moved back near him, and we started talking again.

In those three years, he lost a huge amount of weight. He is literally more than half the size he was. He doesn't look anything like his former self. All of his features have completely changed.

I am happy for him that he is healthy.

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks.

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew.

I miss the old person. And that person is gone.

I know it's a weird way to feel but if someone changes looks very drastically maybe it is natural to miss the old person?

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 13/02/2023 21:12

This is why people who have lost weight or made a radical positive change don't understand why they pretty much get dumped by their friends.

UserNameSameGame · 13/02/2023 21:14

But … you say the way he looks has changed. You don’t say anything about his personality, the way he acts etc changing.

If this is purely based on how he looks then YABVVVU

Skiphopbump · 13/02/2023 21:17

Has his personality changed?

Would you feel the same if a friend gained a large amount of weight?

DoomedForLoneliness · 13/02/2023 21:17

Oh my op!
I know you didn’t mean it that way, but this made me laugh!
Overweight people can’t win:
If you carry extra weight you’re [all horrible things, just see fatphobia right here o. MN]
And if you loose it, people miss the big ol’ you!
Again, I know you didn’t mean it that way.

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 13/02/2023 21:17

That is a truly bizarre take on someone improving their health and feeling good about themselves.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:18

I still like him as he is now.

But I also really miss the old person, and I have such a sad feeling of "that person is gone".

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 13/02/2023 21:20

You sound a bit toxic

That's like having a friend that's been on job seekers for years and then get upset when they find job and their career flourishes

picklemewalnuts · 13/02/2023 21:22

People have a presence. When their appearance radically changes, so does their presence. If he was a big, comforting presence and no longer is, say.

Equally a sprightly lively person who puts on a lot of weight and slows down feels like a different person.

When it's gradual, because you see them regularly, it's not noticeable.

throwingandcatching · 13/02/2023 21:22

BabyOnBoard90 · 13/02/2023 21:20

You sound a bit toxic

That's like having a friend that's been on job seekers for years and then get upset when they find job and their career flourishes

This

Random789 · 13/02/2023 21:22

Do you think your reaction is the result of some sort of dislocation you feel as a result of leaving your home country and then returning again? And that you are just somehow hooking this feeling of dislcation/loss onto the changes in your friend?
There might be something understandable in that. But it still feels very unfair on your friend.
For a few hours, a few days, it is reasonable to struggle a little bit with the adjustment to a new appearence.
But if it goes beyond that adjustment period I would be asking myself if I somehow needed my friend to be struggling with his weight. Perhaps because it made me feel better, safer, more confident or something.

juliettesmother · 13/02/2023 21:22

Did you have feelings of pity towards him that made you feel better about yourself? Or are you also overweight and were comforted about having a friend who was in a similar (if not worse) situation?

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:22

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 13/02/2023 21:17

That is a truly bizarre take on someone improving their health and feeling good about themselves.

No I'm really happy that he has improved his health. Not that I ever thought he looked bad when he was overweight.

But it can also be a terrible shock when someone drastically changes.

Other people have reacted with shock when they saw him, as he looks so completely different.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 13/02/2023 21:23

If I was good friends with a Goth, and they visited after a big gap and were suddenly dressed in a more traditional way, particularly if they'd ditched the hair and white make up, id miss their alternative self!

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:24

BabyOnBoard90 · 13/02/2023 21:20

You sound a bit toxic

That's like having a friend that's been on job seekers for years and then get upset when they find job and their career flourishes

No I'm not toxic at all. I'm really happy that he has improved his health .

At the same time, I do deeply miss the person that I knew. It's just a feeling I have. Like, that person is gone

OP posts:
Strawblue · 13/02/2023 21:25

I shed 6 stone and my DM told me “you were a much nicer person when you were fat.”
No, actually for the first time in my life I developed self confidence and she couldn’t cope with that (she’s a complete narcissistic witch and now NC).

Sadly some slim people don’t like it when their fat friends lose weight as it no longer gives them a reason to feel superior, hence the negative comments and losing the friendship.

OP, don’t be one of those friends. Your friend has lost weight for his own reasons and as long as he is happy then be a good supportive friend.

ManchesterGirl2 · 13/02/2023 21:26

I get what you mean OP. There's a comfort in the people we care about starting predictably the same.

I think it's possible to celebrate a change and feel sadness about it at the same time.

FadoFado · 13/02/2023 21:27

but that person isn't gone? Some of the meat suit that housed him is gone, that's all. we're all just bobbing about on this world in our meat suits.

currantbee · 13/02/2023 21:27

At the same time, I do deeply miss the person that I knew. It's just a feeling I have. Like, that person is gone

This makes no sense to me, unless you think their entire personality was being fat

TheMessageIsClear · 13/02/2023 21:28

I can kind of relate to this as one of my best friends from uni (30+ years ago) has the most beautiful naturally curly hair. In her mid 40s she started straightening it professionally so nowadays it is always dead straight, not even a slight wave. She’s still the same person of course and I would never say this out loud, but I really miss her hair. It was her. If you know what I mean!

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:32

currantbee · 13/02/2023 21:27

At the same time, I do deeply miss the person that I knew. It's just a feeling I have. Like, that person is gone

This makes no sense to me, unless you think their entire personality was being fat

Yeah I know! He is the same person. But sometimes talking to him is like talking to a stranger. I feel like I barely recognise him.

I guess if I had seen him gradually lose the weight it wouldn't have been a drastic shock.

But the last time I saw him he was overweight, then I didn't see him for years as I was working away, and he lost an extreme amount of weight.

When I saw him for the first time I nearly fell over with shock. which probably wasn't polite, but I coulsnt help it! Be understood and He said to me "I was just thinking you'd be shocked when you saw me, as you haven't seen me since I lost weight'

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 13/02/2023 21:32

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:24

No I'm not toxic at all. I'm really happy that he has improved his health .

At the same time, I do deeply miss the person that I knew. It's just a feeling I have. Like, that person is gone

Show quote history

Bizarre. Are you on the larger side OP? I have been so delighted for friends who have gotten healthier and lost weight, it’s so hard to do! He is exactly the same person. Did you have him pencilled in as a back up? Had you not heard from him in the time you were away. As others have said this is a really toxic reaction you need to examine why you feel like this. Making someone else’s weight loss all about you is not what friends do.

TheSnugglyDuckling · 13/02/2023 21:33

I mean, you didn’t see him for 3 years. Did you speak in that time? People change in 3 years, it might be nothing to do with his weight.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/02/2023 21:35

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew

I miss the old person. And that person is gone

Selfish. He hasn't gone anywhere.

When he was big and no doubt unhappy, you could be the sympathetic listening ear, the comforter, the one in a better position. But now you see that role has gone, because he's taken responsibility for his life and health. I hope you're not around him with a mournful face, when you should be visibly happy and show him you're proud of his commitment to his health and fitness. That's what real friends do.

& If you can't be that then leave him alone. Fancy judging a person according to looks and size. It must've taken him a lot to commit to losing weight, he won't need the sight of you disapproving. If you were a man saying this about a woman, post responses would be entirely different. The unpleasantness of it would be picked up on.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:36

Eyerollcentral · 13/02/2023 21:32

Bizarre. Are you on the larger side OP? I have been so delighted for friends who have gotten healthier and lost weight, it’s so hard to do! He is exactly the same person. Did you have him pencilled in as a back up? Had you not heard from him in the time you were away. As others have said this is a really toxic reaction you need to examine why you feel like this. Making someone else’s weight loss all about you is not what friends do.

Show quote history

I'm not overweight no. I'm pretty slim.

It's not toxic at all. I am not jealous of him losing weight, and I don't want him to stay fat.

I just feel sadness when I talk to him as I miss the old person. I wouldn't say that to him though. One of our friends told me she felt the same way, that getting to know him now is like getting to know a new person.

Yes I talked to him all the time I was away. On phonecalls and texts. He didn't mention losing weight. So I only saw it for the first time when I came back.

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 13/02/2023 21:37

Sadly some slim people don’t like it when their fat friends lose weight as it no longer gives them a reason to feel superior

This^

Although, maybe some people who have lost weight/given up smoking/ditched the booze and/or drugs have a new found confidence which means they can want different friends.

I guess it cuts both ways.