Sense of loss after some one has lost weight.

[Mooshamoo]

I had a male friend for three years. We were very close. He was very overweight all that time. I never thought it was a bad thing. That is just how he was.

I moved away to work in another country for a couple of years. I recently moved back near him, and we started talking again.

In those three years, he lost a huge amount of weight. He is literally more than half the size he was. He doesn't look anything like his former self. All of his features have completely changed.

I am happy for him that he is healthy.

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks.

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew.

I miss the old person. And that person is gone.

I know it's a weird way to feel but if someone changes looks very drastically maybe it is natural to miss the old person?

I don’t believe that he’s turned into a misogynist. Too much of a drip feed. Clearly BS. He was OP’s fat safe friend and now he’s not. Good for him.

All the whiny crybully stuff isn’t convincing either OP but good luck with the victim act. 🙄

Not just my family. Im incredibly surprised that you think this is unusual.

My friend just texted me to say that ahe cried about her daughter turning 3.

She cried at how much her daughter had changed/ gotten taller.

I think you are the strange one for being unemotional

I think you are the strange one for being unemotional

And I think you've had your fun with this thread and it's probably time to wrap it up now.

Well played OP.

The roll eyes emoji really accentuated your point maturely

I agree it's time to wrap it up. We are just saying the same thing around in circles. Nothing new is being said

You do understand your friend doesnt actually feel “sad” and a sense of loss whenever she looks at her 3 year old though right?

That’s her DAUGHTER. I love seeing children grow up, it’s really weird to cry over it. As someone else said your granny and mother are crying because they have missed time with their family, not because the child is growing up healthily!!!!

Same thing! I missed time with my friend

I don't get it, you keep saying he's gone. Has he changed as a person? (Not his looks) Is his personality different? I'm confused, you're not making any sense.

Read the thread.

It’s absolutely not the same thing at all and surely you know this. If not you have major issues. Were you hoping for a romantic reunion with this friend which he has scuppered by losing weight and having more women interested in him?

I’ve read your previous threads and I’m now inclined to be a bit kinder, tbh. Are you okay, OP? Like, generally, with life. How are things going?

Well I'm not good after this thread.

On this thread I' ve been called weird, crazy, a nutjob, and that I have serious issues. It has made me feel ill and stressed. I actually feel really bad. I feel so bad after this thread that I can't sleep. Remind me never to start a thread on here again

This is one of the biggest bullying websites there is online at the moment.

I am on other chat forums where this kind of talk is not allowed. On the other forums you are allowed to attack the post, but you are not allowed to attack the poster. If you insult anyone on those forums, (call them crazy, weird etc) you are banned.

I don't know how Mumsnet does not have rules like this in place. Here insults are free for all. It has degenerated into an absolute cesspit

Your reaction to your friend’s weight loss is pretty unreasonable. Based on the reactions you’ve received, you must know this. Your subsequent comments doubling down and focussing on a friend’s appearance were also pretty troubling.

A lot of the things you say on your threads make it sound like you’re not in the most mentally healthy place. Are you getting any support with this?

MN is a great resource in many ways, but it’s not a support group. AIBU, in particular, isn’t a place to post if you’re vulnerable. It’s page where you ask if you’re being unreasonable and people respond and tell you why you are/aren’t. If what you want is a gentle supportive chat, I’d suggest that you post in ‘Chat’. Or, better yet, give MN a miss and talk to someone in real life.

OP (unless those comments have been deleted) not one person called you "weird", "crazy" or a "nutjob". One person did say "nutcase" so you can have that. People are saying "it's weird to feel that way" because it isn't normal. But they aren't calling you weird. Why are you focusing on the negatives? Especially the negative opinions of strangers. There are people here who have supported you, but you don't seem to care about that. Just the negatives. Just the people who don't agree with or understand you.

"based on the reactions you receive , you must know this".

No.because I see those reactions on so many other threads

Any person that posts a thread on here, I see the OP be torn to shreds by bullying.

It's just how this website is. It is not monitored or regulated enough.

There were actually a lot of posts lately about bullying on mumsnet

I know what you mean. I had a friend who was very large. We were mates for years and then she moved away and we lost touch. A few years after that we reconnected. She lost over 10 stone and was gaunt. Everything was different. I felt like I was talking to a stranger that I had never seen before. I honestly believe it would have been different if I had been around during her weight loss journey and it would have been a gradual change.

If that’s genuinely what you think, then why did you post? Did you want to get torn to shreds?

You’ve also ignored the majority of that comment. Why?

I understand @Mooshamoo . I was unreasonably upset when my uncle shaved his big bushy beard. I’d known him with that beard all of my life, it was a very small part of his character in my mind and I felt that shock when I saw him without it for the first time. I cried - and so did my mum!!

To a lesser extent, I felt inexplicably sad when Dawn French lost a lot of weight a few years ago. Thrilled for Dawn the person, but sadness that the person I was so familiar with (on TV) had changed. No biggie of course! But I get it.

So this isn't just about the weight loss, but the personality change that has come about from the weight loss? As in, suddenly he feels more attractive and actually has become a player and rather than being nice to women, is playing games that verge on being mean?

Like a kid who has never had candy being let loose in a candy store - he's gone over the top.

And the visual difference, while a shock, just reminds you constantly if the personality change that has happened as well.

Every person I know had this reaction to chris moyles on im celebrity having lost half his body weight. He was a lovable fat man. Then a slightly arrogant average weight man, but it wasn't because everyone was jealous of his weight loss

In this cse, yes YABU for missing the fact that your friend was morbidly overweight. Did you really need to ask!

I know what you mean, but you’ll get used to it I’m sure. An ex boyfriend shaved his beard off 6 months into our relationship and I genuinely felt really shy around him for a few days. It was like I was hanging out with his cousin or something, familiar but so different it was like I couldn’t fully connect in my mind that he was the same person from my memories.

This is why I don't catch up with old friends after putting on 4 stone due to medication.

Damn right, I'm not the same person I was, I'm fat and it makes me unhealthy and miserable.

So I hide away knowing nobody will understand the 'new' me.

Speaking as a former fat person, I found there were a handful of people who didn’t adjust well to my weight loss, generally expressed as trying to tell me I’d lost too much (no), I looked better before (no), or just saying nasty things like “oh it’s so funny seeing you wearing shorts ha ha”- hilarious.

It’s really to underestimate how much people’s reactions to you are based on your physical appearance. And from the inside you just don’t see it- you obviously feel fully human- and so it never crossed your mind that a proportion of people are unconsciously seeing you primarily as a generic fat person rather than as an individual. Massive eye-opener.

It’s not very clear from your post, op, whether this is you. You do mention personality changes- my suspicion is that these aren’t actually changes at all but just a different aspect of your friend’s personality coming to the fore now he’s less self-conscious and more confident. It may be that you like his unconfident personality better, and that may be because you liked him in the “fat friend” box or just because you prefer people who are a bit quieter etc-who can say? But to the extent your feelings are related to the physical changes, it might be worth examining your feelings about fat people a bit.