Sense of loss after some one has lost weight.

[Mooshamoo]

I had a male friend for three years. We were very close. He was very overweight all that time. I never thought it was a bad thing. That is just how he was.

I moved away to work in another country for a couple of years. I recently moved back near him, and we started talking again.

In those three years, he lost a huge amount of weight. He is literally more than half the size he was. He doesn't look anything like his former self. All of his features have completely changed.

I am happy for him that he is healthy.

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks.

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew.

I miss the old person. And that person is gone.

I know it's a weird way to feel but if someone changes looks very drastically maybe it is natural to miss the old person?

I know that him becoming a bit more of an asshole , is technically more important than him losing loads of weight

Yes but she doesn’t really care about his shit personality, although she recognises that’s “technically” important, she’s mostly just really sad cos he’s not fat anymore.

🤣

🤣🤣🤣 oh honey you tried….I mean you failed but at least you tried.

Your friend has changed from a nice gentle guy to a sexist 'lad' who talks inappropriately about women and your biggest concern is that he looks different?
I completely get why you'd miss him given he appears to have been replaced by a different person personality wise and would have thought that would have been your presenting issue, rather than bemoaning his changed appearance.
Its possible once the novelty of being thin wears off he might drop the new persona. Trouble is, once you've seen him in that light, you can't really unsee it can you? It's like he was always this person but while he was fat thought he'd better mask it.

Ok so now his personality changed as well.

Frankly, that would happen even without the weightloss. People apart change. As someone who moved abroad I can categorically attest to the fact that if you come back after a year it eill not be the same with most friends. Everyone took different path and changed a bit. Year is surprisingly ling time when it comes to this

If you’ve been constantly in touch for the time you’ve been away how come his personality has only totally changed when you have seen his weight loss 🧐 in what way has his personality changed? Is he just not so grateful to have a slim female friend any more?

I do miss how he looks. And no matter how anyone dismisses it. I stand by it.

The same as I cried when I hadn't seen my cousin for years and she got a lot taller.

I do miss how he used to look.

Well we talked on social media and WhatsApp. But when we started hanging out face to face it was a lot different.

If his personality has changed with his weight then I can absolutely see where you are coming from. It is one thing adjusting to seeing someone look very different, but if they are different as a person then that must be hard to accept a totally different person.

I think a lot of it is down to the huge boost in confidence people get when they lose a lot of weight. I had a friend who lost a lot of weight a few years ago, and her confidence went through the roof. It was nice to see at first and she looked great, however she started to act quite arrogant, made judgey comments about overweight people (which she'd never have done before), and changed in general as a person.

The good news is, this all settled down in time, and she stayed slim but became more like her previous self. I think she got a bit caught up in her new found confidence and while findingnherself, lost herself too if that makes sense? I think people struggle to adapt to their new positive body image after feeling so low about it for so long, and don't know how to adjust to feeling good about themselves.

Maybe your friend is just enjoying the 'honeymoon phase' of his new image and his personality change might not be a permanent thing? Sounds like he has got in with a certain crowd and is being influenced by them.

Not a normal reaction OP. You seem to deal badly with change

My oldest friend had facial surgery (to correct an issue) . I was really worried I would miss her lovely old face, and prepared myself for feeling a bit sad about her new face , (we have been friends most of our lives) but actually it hasn’t changed her in a major way, and as soon as I saw her I realised it really didn’t matter anyway as it is her I love.
It sounds as though maybe there was something about your friend’s size that you liked, perhaps it made him seem more “solid” and comforting, or something else about him being big - did it make you feel safe with him ?
I agree with a pp, that if you had seen him daily it wouldn’t have had the same effect on you, as you would not have registered the gradual change.
I think you will adjust to the new him.

The same as I cried when I hadn't seen my cousin for years and she got a lot taller

This is all very odd. I think you are much too emotionally invested in the size and shape of other people’s bodies. You might want to look at what’s underlying that.

That's plain weird tbh

It is a very normal reaction.

My uncle only sees one of his grandchildren twice a year due to a custody battle between the girls parents.

Every time he sees her he cries to me about how much she's changed and how taller she has gotten.

I see mothers post on Facebook all the time about being upset at their own children changing. they post about the years flying by, and their children changing so much, and getting taller. And how sad they are about it. And could we just "please pause time for a moment"

Even though another woman on here has said she felt exactly the same about her friend losing a lot of weight?

Ok then. We are weird. Cuz you said so.

It's weird you are that distraught by other people's bodies changing.

And no, it doesn't reallly compare to dad's not seeing their kids often (there is completely different issue which is highlighted by growing up and missing it) or mothers being sad their kids aren't babies anymore

I lost half my body weight and I went to visit a friend I hadn’t seen for ages. I didn’t tell her I’d lost weight, we weren’t really in touch for ages then decided to meet up. She was gobsmacked when she saw me. On a related note, my uncle said his visual memory of me is as an overweight person and he was shocked every time he saw me when I was slim. I understand your point, OP.

The clincher is that your friend has obviously gained massive confidence and has changed how he talks/thinks about women and for you, that seems to be the biggest change and not a nice one.

Are you a mother? That’s definitely not how I would describe it at all. Yes of course there’s a little pang when I think of my babies when they are tiny, I miss that, but I would never ever say i experienced feeling sad every time I looked at my children, or a sense of loss. It’s overwhelming happiness, pride, joy in how they’ve grown, with the littlest bittersweet pang / heart tug of missing how little they used to be. But happiness . Nothing at all akin to what you are describing of your feelings towards your friend.

Not just her. 89% of the people who have voted think YABU. That’s the overwhelming majority.

You wanted to know if you were being reasonable. You’ve been told ‘yes’. You appear unwilling to accept this.

Thanks for that Cherrysoup. Yeah my visual memory of him is how he was.

I had to adjust to how he looked now

But were they sad and grieving the oerson who isn't there anymore?
That's the issue, not the surprise

Your uncle is crying because he doesn’t see his grandchild ffs. You are crying because a cousin’s looks changed!!!! Your cousin is not your child. Totally OTT response

A huge shock, yes. And I think that when someone's loses a lot of weight from their face, it can seem like they're the same person, but looking ill. If they'd always looked like that, it would be normal. But his face now looks drawn and droopy, as if he's really unwell. So I'd say that yes, it makes me feel weirdly sad, and I have to remind myself that he's not ill, in fact he's healthier than he's ever been!

The loss thing? Yes, it is a kind of loss. It's not a word I'd have used without prompting, but nor can I say that it doesn't fit how I feel.

I'm sure that had I not experienced it, I'd have been telling the OP off for over-reacting, too. But there we go. I've learned something through the experience. In time I'm sure the new J will become the J I know. But it's early days and my brain hasn't caught up yet.

It's so predictable to call women weird on here. You know the bullies are out on Mumsnet when they start calling women weird, crazy, nutjobs. It's so predictable. If you used an original insult, I might be slightly impressed. But you didn't.

😂 bullies

Sure.