Sense of loss after some one has lost weight.

[Mooshamoo]

I had a male friend for three years. We were very close. He was very overweight all that time. I never thought it was a bad thing. That is just how he was.

I moved away to work in another country for a couple of years. I recently moved back near him, and we started talking again.

In those three years, he lost a huge amount of weight. He is literally more than half the size he was. He doesn't look anything like his former self. All of his features have completely changed.

I am happy for him that he is healthy.

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks.

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew.

I miss the old person. And that person is gone.

I know it's a weird way to feel but if someone changes looks very drastically maybe it is natural to miss the old person?

If his personality, sense of humour and attitude towards you hasn’t changed (I assume it hasn’t because you said you were talking through the years and didn’t have a clue) so I’m going to say I think your feeling of “I miss that person” will go away in time, you’ll get used to him. Don’t ruin a perfectly good friendship because someone looks different, you wouldn’t had he gone bald or aged drastically would you?

Thing is though, it’s a bit dehumanising of your friend. And fat people in general. And your not painting yourself in glory here- your reaction may be relatable/ not uncommon- but it’s definitely the more unpleasant side of human nature, the self absorbed and shallow part of us, where we lack genuine concern for others, and are just entirely wrapped up in our own needs and projections. Just not sure what or who it’s serving to post this. Particularly with no apparent awareness

How many times does op have to state she's happy for him!

Our minds aren't always black and white, sometimes the reasonings behind our feeling aren't clear. You associate someone's looks with their personality and if that drastically changes, it can take some getting used to. OP, maybe you are feeling solemn as you have come home and the fact things have changed since you left is very apparent? It's making you crave the norm that you left behind..?

Sounds like when you moved abroad you weren't in touch for a couple of years.

Your friendship is bound to have changed.

It is not your right to be 'terribly shocked' on what he does with his body.

She’s clearly not happy for him!! She just said “I feel sad every time I see him”. She’s not happy at all. Saying she’s “happy for him” is completely vacuous.

I lost nearly 10 stone over the covid years. I never mentioned it to people when I was doing the diet as I didn’t want peoples opinions, and luckily no one could meet up to watch me lose weight and talk nonsense at me

(eg ooh that particular diet is sooo unhealthy / now then you’re taking this too far / you’re worrying me please eat this cake) and other such nonsense when I was and am still well in the healthy bmi range.

I was thinking why do I feel sad every time I talk to him.

That's no basis for a friendship.

Wait. I am happy for him that he is healthy. I am actually really happy for him.

At the same time I feel sad when I see him, as I just feel like I miss how he used to be. I don't decide to be sad. We can't help our feelings.

I have never ever said to him that I felt sad.

I’ve seen friends after a period of years and they’ve changed their style drastically, or shaved off a trademark beard, etc, and there’s a period of readjustment because my mental picture of them doesn’t match them in reality. But that’s a change, and you’re talking about this as a “loss” which feels odd.

One of my male friends lost a huge amount of weight. He lost several close female friends, who clearly had him badged as safe because they felt he wouldn’t dare hit on them when he was fat.

What if he changed hair colour? Lost his hair. Gained weight, had an accident Or any other change?

If friendship isn't the same you have drifted, work on it. Dont imagine it is down to his size.

I'm not awful. Again, I don't want him to stay overweight.

I don't think it's even about weight per se.

I just think it is a huge shock when some one changes radically.

My god, feelings sometimes aren't rational. Surely you understand that? Him losing weight signifies a change and sometimes that's subconsciously or consciously hard to deal with even if you can't justify it in your head. It's not like op is saying they are going to tell him to put it all back on. Does no one feel solemn when their kids grow up? Even though they are spreading their wings? Them being little might signify a happy time which might make the parent feel sad about this. No idea why no one on MN can think outside the box or with any empathy.

No you can’t help your feelings, but you can recognise when they are not coming from the best place. You clearly aren’t happy for your friend, you’re saying you are, because that’s how you know you are supposed to feel/ what you are supposed to say ; but what you feel when you see him is sad.

This doesn't make any sense.

Yes I talked to him all the time I was away. On phonecalls and texts.

And you didn't notice any change in his personality?

And yet suddenly, having seen him, you miss the old person?

Maybe just talk to him over the phone from now on then?!

I think you're getting an unecessarily hard time on here OP, but I know what you mean. You know he's your friend, he just looks completely different to what you've always known.

Why was it a 'terrible shock' and not a lovely surprise if that's what you genuinely wanted for him?

But I am happy for him.

At the same time I miss the old person, the old era.

It's hard to explain. He is such a different person now aswell. We used to be so close. We did so much together.

His personality has changed too.

Me and him have only been reacquainted for a couple of weeks. And we are not as close as we used to be. There is a totally different vibe with us. We just don't get on as well as we used to.

That is why I miss the old him too.

I don't know if we will stay friends, but sometimes people change and friendships go

I lost over 3 stone, people were quite shocked when they saw me. I lost it quite rapidly
so this was people who just hadn’t seen me for a few months. I just received huge compliments off everyone, it was so lovely to feel good in my own body.

if someone even showed an inkling they felt a sense of loss due to me being slimmer then they would feel more of a loss when I walked away. I’m still the same person, still hold the same values and love on the same way I always did. I’m just easier to hug now 🤣

you really need to get over yourself

It rather sounds like you had him "pigeon holed" in your memory as Your Fat Sad Friend, and perhaps felt a bit magnanimous that you were friends with such a person?

Now he doesn't belong in that box and it's making you reassess the relationship - you don't hold all the power cards anymore.

You may think I'm being harsh, but in reality all your missing is several stone of fat. It was never part of his personality, no more than having measles or going grey.

The old person?? It’s the same person you nutcase!

No matter how many times you say I'm horrible, doesn't make me horrible. I'm not horrible.

In fact, you sound pretty horrible

Fancy judging a person according to looks and size. It must've taken him a lot to commit to losing weight, he won't need the sight of you disapproving. If you were a man saying this about a woman, post responses would be entirely different. The unpleasantness of it would be picked up on.

Theres no judgement! Her close friend was fat. He doesn’t look ( or probably act ) the same as he used to.
I lost weight and people always commented on how short I was and treated me as a small person; automatically reaching for things on my behalf or being a bit gentler. Chunky me could clearly fend for herself ,despite not actually being any taller or tougher.

His personality has changed too. That's what I'm sad about.

Why call someone a nutcase? Do you just decide to be nasty to make yourself feel good? All the old bullies are coming out on Mumsnet again. So predictable