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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sense of loss after some one has lost weight.

190 replies

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:05

I had a male friend for three years. We were very close. He was very overweight all that time. I never thought it was a bad thing. That is just how he was.

I moved away to work in another country for a couple of years. I recently moved back near him, and we started talking again.

In those three years, he lost a huge amount of weight. He is literally more than half the size he was. He doesn't look anything like his former self. All of his features have completely changed.

I am happy for him that he is healthy.

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks.

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew.

I miss the old person. And that person is gone.

I know it's a weird way to feel but if someone changes looks very drastically maybe it is natural to miss the old person?

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 13/02/2023 21:38

This has happened to me but it was to do with personality, they became a looks obsessed humourless shallow bore.
Most became happier, better versions of themselves when they lost lots of weight including me!

Twawmyarse2 · 13/02/2023 21:38

You feel how you feel. It will take some time to get used to the way he looks now, that's all.

So long as you act nothing but happy for him and don't let it affect your friendship. It would be very unkind to distance yourself from him because of the way YOU feel about HIS weightloss. But I don't think that's what you're suggesting?

Can2022getanyworse · 13/02/2023 21:39

I do deeply miss the person that I knew. It's just a feeling I have. Like, that person is gone

What, exactly, is missing?

Because from what you've written, the only thing that is missing is over HALF his former body weight. Someone who has lost that much weight has made EXCELLENT health choices and should be supported.

Unless they've had a major personality transplant, they are exactly the same person. YABVVVU.

Are you overweight op? I wonder if your friend's weight loss has triggered some of your own insecurities?

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:39

DeeCeeCherry · 13/02/2023 21:35

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew

I miss the old person. And that person is gone

Selfish. He hasn't gone anywhere.

When he was big and no doubt unhappy, you could be the sympathetic listening ear, the comforter, the one in a better position. But now you see that role has gone, because he's taken responsibility for his life and health. I hope you're not around him with a mournful face, when you should be visibly happy and show him you're proud of his commitment to his health and fitness. That's what real friends do.

& If you can't be that then leave him alone. Fancy judging a person according to looks and size. It must've taken him a lot to commit to losing weight, he won't need the sight of you disapproving. If you were a man saying this about a woman, post responses would be entirely different. The unpleasantness of it would be picked up on.

You don't get what I'm saying at all.

I really feel there is a natural sense of loss when someone drastically changes.

I would never say to him I feel like that though.

OP posts:
DulcetTones · 13/02/2023 21:39

I suppose it's not unreasonable to feel a strange sense of sadness that someone's physical appearance has changed, even if it's a positive change or a sign of a healthier life. I feel a little that way when I notice that people I care for are aging. I still love them just as much, obviously, but it reminds me that we're getting older and won't all be around forever.

You need to give yourself time to become familiar with him as he looks now. He was never going to be exactly the same as you remembered him from years ago; it's just a more drastic change than usual.

Cam22 · 13/02/2023 21:40

He probably went the old gastric band way. What’s happened to the loose skin, though? It does not ping back whatever people might say. Lol

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:40

Can2022getanyworse · 13/02/2023 21:39

I do deeply miss the person that I knew. It's just a feeling I have. Like, that person is gone

What, exactly, is missing?

Because from what you've written, the only thing that is missing is over HALF his former body weight. Someone who has lost that much weight has made EXCELLENT health choices and should be supported.

Unless they've had a major personality transplant, they are exactly the same person. YABVVVU.

Are you overweight op? I wonder if your friend's weight loss has triggered some of your own insecurities?

No, I'm not overweight.

OP posts:
Deliaskis · 13/02/2023 21:42

I can understand what you mean. You can be happy someone is living a healthier life, but also feel that they have changed. This is because many people do change when they lose a lot of weight. I did. The way people interact can be different, the way they behave, the way they enjoy spending time, the things they do. It can completely change the dynamic of a friendship or relationship, and whilst that isn't wrong or bad, it can take some time to adjust to. It's part of the way people change over time. Despite posters saying he is exactly the same as he was, none of us actually stay the same, not really. We change when we have kids, lose a relative, live somewhere different, become successful in our career, pursue a hobby we're passionate about. We change all the time. Good friends take the time and effort to adjust and adapt when needed. Hopefully you can do this too.

Eyerollcentral · 13/02/2023 21:42

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:36

I'm not overweight no. I'm pretty slim.

It's not toxic at all. I am not jealous of him losing weight, and I don't want him to stay fat.

I just feel sadness when I talk to him as I miss the old person. I wouldn't say that to him though. One of our friends told me she felt the same way, that getting to know him now is like getting to know a new person.

Yes I talked to him all the time I was away. On phonecalls and texts. He didn't mention losing weight. So I only saw it for the first time when I came back.

Show quote history

Right. So what’s different about him? Is he talking about weight loss all the time? What is different? You keep saying that he is but you aren’t providing any explanation. As others have said many slim people like to have a ‘fat friend’ and resent them when they lose weight.

Hillrunning · 13/02/2023 21:43

I totally understand OP, it will be because you had no transition. It is odd that he didn't even mention losing weight in all that time.

I recall watching a programme ages ago about long distance relationships. A couple in it were apart for a year during which the man lost weight but deliberately kept it from his partner as a surprise for when she got back. She walked right past him at the airport and you could see the awkwardness when she finally noticed him. A couple of weeks later they broke up because she said she just couldn't see him as the same person.

Tandora · 13/02/2023 21:43

OP what is it you are hoping to get out of this thread? I mean your feelings are your feelings. Can you help them? Likely, no. But what’s the point/ value in sharing this?

butterfliedtwo · 13/02/2023 21:46

Eyerollcentral · 13/02/2023 21:42

Right. So what’s different about him? Is he talking about weight loss all the time? What is different? You keep saying that he is but you aren’t providing any explanation. As others have said many slim people like to have a ‘fat friend’ and resent them when they lose weight.

Show quote history

Exactly.

It does come over like that, OP, even though you say that's not why.

He's presumably happier. Start the friendship again from where you both are now. Or let him go find other people.

YouWithoutEnd · 13/02/2023 21:46

I’ve lost nearly 16st in the last few years, and you’d be amazed the amount of women who considered me a “safe” friend, who are now threatened by me because instead of being the fat girl with the beautiful face, I’m now the slim girl with the beautiful face. That shit is none of my business, it’s all on them and their insecurities.

Deliaskis · 13/02/2023 21:46

Meant to add, it's very common for friendships and relationships to fail following substantial weight loss, and it's usually because the people around the person who has lost weight struggle to adjust, or the person who has lost weight has the confidence to move away from friendships where there had been an imbalance.

CocoPlum · 13/02/2023 21:46

Hillrunning · 13/02/2023 21:43

I totally understand OP, it will be because you had no transition. It is odd that he didn't even mention losing weight in all that time.

I recall watching a programme ages ago about long distance relationships. A couple in it were apart for a year during which the man lost weight but deliberately kept it from his partner as a surprise for when she got back. She walked right past him at the airport and you could see the awkwardness when she finally noticed him. A couple of weeks later they broke up because she said she just couldn't see him as the same person.

I don't know, if my partner's body changed so much and I didn't know anything about the changes he was making, he deliberately kept that secret ... I'd be really uncomfortable with that and it would feel like a betrayal.

This is the OP's friend, not boyfriend, and I think she knew he was losing the weight. It's very different.

Bubblebubblebah · 13/02/2023 21:47

Awww you lost your fat friend. Thoughts and prayers

You keep repeating "person" he is the same person. You are not missing person. You are missing the fat.

Yy to pp who mentioned people being dumped after losing weight. I lost only 1. Couldn't get over not having the fat friend making her look better? She found another "charity case" to take care off or whatever🤷🏻

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:47

Hillrunning · 13/02/2023 21:43

I totally understand OP, it will be because you had no transition. It is odd that he didn't even mention losing weight in all that time.

I recall watching a programme ages ago about long distance relationships. A couple in it were apart for a year during which the man lost weight but deliberately kept it from his partner as a surprise for when she got back. She walked right past him at the airport and you could see the awkwardness when she finally noticed him. A couple of weeks later they broke up because she said she just couldn't see him as the same person.

Yes! It's a shock.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 13/02/2023 21:48

YouWithoutEnd · 13/02/2023 21:46

I’ve lost nearly 16st in the last few years, and you’d be amazed the amount of women who considered me a “safe” friend, who are now threatened by me because instead of being the fat girl with the beautiful face, I’m now the slim girl with the beautiful face. That shit is none of my business, it’s all on them and their insecurities.

I just have to say go you! Amazing!!!

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:50

Tandora · 13/02/2023 21:43

OP what is it you are hoping to get out of this thread? I mean your feelings are your feelings. Can you help them? Likely, no. But what’s the point/ value in sharing this?

Well I was just thinking about it tonight and I was thinking why do I feel sad every time I talk to him.

And sometimes I like to post my thoughts on here and get other people's thoughts on a topic. It is a great chat board.

OP posts:
Tandora · 13/02/2023 21:50

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:47

Yes! It's a shock.

Show quote history

So?!

wordler · 13/02/2023 21:52

You’ve been apart for a long time - he’s probably changed in all sorts of ways and so have you. The weight is easy to focus on because it’s the most obvious change but what you are probably missing is the friendship as you knew it - you are subconsciously nostalgic for past times.

Keep reminding yourself you’ve both changed - it’s okay to miss what’s passed. You’ll find you get into a new phase with each other and miss the old versions of you less.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:52

Deliaskis · 13/02/2023 21:46

Meant to add, it's very common for friendships and relationships to fail following substantial weight loss, and it's usually because the people around the person who has lost weight struggle to adjust, or the person who has lost weight has the confidence to move away from friendships where there had been an imbalance.

That's interesting!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:53

wordler · 13/02/2023 21:52

You’ve been apart for a long time - he’s probably changed in all sorts of ways and so have you. The weight is easy to focus on because it’s the most obvious change but what you are probably missing is the friendship as you knew it - you are subconsciously nostalgic for past times.

Keep reminding yourself you’ve both changed - it’s okay to miss what’s passed. You’ll find you get into a new phase with each other and miss the old versions of you less.

Yes I probably just miss the old times.

I have to accept that we have both changed

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 13/02/2023 21:54

Well if you reconnected with someone after 20 years they’d look v different.

Is his character the same? You are a bit weirdly fixated on looks.

Forfrigz · 13/02/2023 21:55

I don't know, I think it's possible to have this feeling in purely an emotional way like the person's physical change is so drastic, your brain gets mistaken and thinks the person you're looking at isn't the same person. But of course rationally you know that he is so just keep telling yourself that. Eventually, if you still have a nice friendship, I think this feeling will pass and you'll feel the same about him again.