Sense of loss after some one has lost weight.

[Mooshamoo]

I had a male friend for three years. We were very close. He was very overweight all that time. I never thought it was a bad thing. That is just how he was.

I moved away to work in another country for a couple of years. I recently moved back near him, and we started talking again.

In those three years, he lost a huge amount of weight. He is literally more than half the size he was. He doesn't look anything like his former self. All of his features have completely changed.

I am happy for him that he is healthy.

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks.

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew.

I miss the old person. And that person is gone.

I know it's a weird way to feel but if someone changes looks very drastically maybe it is natural to miss the old person?

@Mooshamoo l can relate to that. It's not just weight, I've heard parents 'grieve' when their teen daughter chops of her waist length hair.
I think people are missing the point, you're glad for them but you kinda miss the old fat friend. It's possible to feel 2 things at once

I used to find it difficult when my dd had a haircut because it made her look different. I got used to it pretty fast, but this is a much more radical Duffy that you are talking about so I kind of do get it.

Three years is a long time though and both of you have changed. It's not weird to look back with nostalgia on the old times. And it's not wrong for friendships to change and grow apart.

Interesting you say you're in Ireland, this is the sort of thing I could imagine my Irish MIL might say and think was normal but I (English) would find it rude and intrusive to talk about someone's appearance through the lens of your own feelings about it. Might just be my MIL though! Love her, but I don't need to hear about people's medical conditions who I don't know!

I don't get why posters are getting so pissy with the OP.

I understand exactly what she's saying. It can be really unsettling when someone you love radically alters their appearance. I remember when my dad shaved his beard off after 20 years of having one. I'd only ever known him with a beard and to suddenly see him bare faced was such an odd feeling. Like, where's my dad gone?

If I posted on here no doubt MN would be full of snippy boosters telling me it's his face and facial hair, he can do what he likes with it and that I'm a shallow person for even noticing. But it was literally like a stranger he replaced him. And it did feel like loss. Obviously I still loved him but it took ages to get used to the new him.

So I get it OP.

Oh my god, just leave. Nobody is making you stay here and make these stupid offensive troll threads.

Go away and hang out with your weird weight obsessed friends. Please make sure to say some of this stupidity in real life so the rest of us can give you a wide berth in real life as well.

The faux naivety and endless lying is disgusting. Sneering about his drooping face and bragging about how slim you are.

I feel sorry for people on the other forums who are probably desperate to tell you what they think of you but the rules don’t allow it.

I get it too, OP. Over lockdown my friend lost a lot of weight. I didn't see her for months and barely recognised her when we met again in person. There was something about the way her jeans hung around her waist and her shoulders were suddenly so narrow that hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't jealous, I was happy for her because she had obviously worked hard and she had a lot more energy and positivity. It took a long time to shake off the before 'Cath' who I knew as a size 14 healthy-looking girl with me and accept the new Cath was size 8 and willowy as the friend I knew. In my head sometimes she's still her previous size and I have to remind myself she doesn't look like that anymore. Shes still here and still my friend, but something has changed and it comes with a feeling of loss. One of the many changes Covid brought, I suppose.

This reminds me of a problem I read on an agony aunt page many years ago. The author was one of a group of women, one of whom was very overweight. The overweight one was seen as the motherly one, the one who never pulled on a night out but made sure everyone else got home safely. Then she lost a lot of weight (had some medical problem fixed) and stopped being the motherly one, she quite understandably wanted a bit of the action she’d been missing out on all this time. The author resented this change of personality, decided she didn’t like her overweight friend any more. Rather than being happy for her.

Wow, you're nice aren't you. That was just nasty.

Unfortunately this site can be pit of vipers at times.
I've been told on here that I've failed my kids because I don't own a house, and that I shouldn't have had them because I lead a haphazard lifestyle ('haphazard lifestyle' meaning I don't own a house 🙄).

Thankfully not everyone on MN are bad.

he has never been loveable!

You sound weird

No I think it’s pretty much spot on. The OP needs setting straight and it’s clear has no one in her life willing to do it.

hopefully one less person once her ‘droopy sick looking’ friend realises how awful she is.

I wonder OP if you’ve thought about how your friend may be feeling.

I have a friend who lost a lot of weight. She confided that while she’s happy with the weight loss other people’s reactions have shocked and often upset her. People have changed how they behave around her - people who ignored her at work now want to socialise and people she’s been friends with for years are avoiding her or constantly talking about her weight loss - often negatively ie. You look unwell, stop now etc. To be clear friend is now a health weight and size and does moderate exercise- so is definitely not unwell.

My friends personality hasn’t changed - but she is gaining confidence and doing things she wouldn’t have done before. I think you be are doing both yourself and your friend a disservice by fixating on his looks - spend more time with him, talk about your shared interests don’t write him off because your perception of him has changed.

Sounds like pp have sussed that the OP has form for trolling