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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sense of loss after some one has lost weight.

190 replies

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:05

I had a male friend for three years. We were very close. He was very overweight all that time. I never thought it was a bad thing. That is just how he was.

I moved away to work in another country for a couple of years. I recently moved back near him, and we started talking again.

In those three years, he lost a huge amount of weight. He is literally more than half the size he was. He doesn't look anything like his former self. All of his features have completely changed.

I am happy for him that he is healthy.

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks.

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew.

I miss the old person. And that person is gone.

I know it's a weird way to feel but if someone changes looks very drastically maybe it is natural to miss the old person?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:59

saraclara · 13/02/2023 22:56

A huge shock, yes. And I think that when someone's loses a lot of weight from their face, it can seem like they're the same person, but looking ill. If they'd always looked like that, it would be normal. But his face now looks drawn and droopy, as if he's really unwell. So I'd say that yes, it makes me feel weirdly sad, and I have to remind myself that he's not ill, in fact he's healthier than he's ever been!

The loss thing? Yes, it is a kind of loss. It's not a word I'd have used without prompting, but nor can I say that it doesn't fit how I feel.

I'm sure that had I not experienced it, I'd have been telling the OP off for over-reacting, too. But there we go. I've learned something through the experience. In time I'm sure the new J will become the J I know. But it's early days and my brain hasn't caught up yet.

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Yes that is always how I think about my friend! That his face looks deflated and sick and unwell.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 13/02/2023 23:01

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:57

It's so predictable to call women weird on here. You know the bullies are out on Mumsnet when they start calling women weird, crazy, nutjobs. It's so predictable. If you used an original insult, I might be slightly impressed. But you didn't.

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OP listen to what people are telling you. Both examples you have given are well outside the realms of normal reactions to a friend losing weight or seeing a younger cousin grow up in the space of 2-3 years. I have some personal experience as I didn’t see my USA based nieces and nephews for 2-3 years due to covid. I defo didn’t burst in to tears. Again, you must have seen photos of the child in the intervening years. Seems like again it’s all about you 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 23:01

saraclara · 13/02/2023 22:56

A huge shock, yes. And I think that when someone's loses a lot of weight from their face, it can seem like they're the same person, but looking ill. If they'd always looked like that, it would be normal. But his face now looks drawn and droopy, as if he's really unwell. So I'd say that yes, it makes me feel weirdly sad, and I have to remind myself that he's not ill, in fact he's healthier than he's ever been!

The loss thing? Yes, it is a kind of loss. It's not a word I'd have used without prompting, but nor can I say that it doesn't fit how I feel.

I'm sure that had I not experienced it, I'd have been telling the OP off for over-reacting, too. But there we go. I've learned something through the experience. In time I'm sure the new J will become the J I know. But it's early days and my brain hasn't caught up yet.

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My friend's name also begins with J.

Imagine if it was the same person. It's a small world.

OP posts:
PlumbleCrumble · 13/02/2023 23:02

Maybe you should just talk to him more by phone, while looking at a photo of what he used to look like?

Keep his contact saved with an old photo?

Surely as his personality has not changed you can slowly intergrate his personality and voice etc back into what he looks like now?

I get you might have happy memories of him looking one way and now he looks different, so maybe talking to him/hearing his voice will remind you he is still him!

saraclara · 13/02/2023 23:04

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 23:01

My friend's name also begins with J.

Imagine if it was the same person. It's a small world.

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😧

Ha! No, my J is very happily married, and hasn't changed in personality at all!

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 23:04

saraclara · 13/02/2023 22:56

A huge shock, yes. And I think that when someone's loses a lot of weight from their face, it can seem like they're the same person, but looking ill. If they'd always looked like that, it would be normal. But his face now looks drawn and droopy, as if he's really unwell. So I'd say that yes, it makes me feel weirdly sad, and I have to remind myself that he's not ill, in fact he's healthier than he's ever been!

The loss thing? Yes, it is a kind of loss. It's not a word I'd have used without prompting, but nor can I say that it doesn't fit how I feel.

I'm sure that had I not experienced it, I'd have been telling the OP off for over-reacting, too. But there we go. I've learned something through the experience. In time I'm sure the new J will become the J I know. But it's early days and my brain hasn't caught up yet.

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What country are you in saraclara? Pm me if you want to answer that way. I'm in ireland

OP posts:
Tandora · 13/02/2023 23:05

PlumbleCrumble · 13/02/2023 23:02

Maybe you should just talk to him more by phone, while looking at a photo of what he used to look like?

Keep his contact saved with an old photo?

Surely as his personality has not changed you can slowly intergrate his personality and voice etc back into what he looks like now?

I get you might have happy memories of him looking one way and now he looks different, so maybe talking to him/hearing his voice will remind you he is still him!

🤣🤣🤣🤣 can’t think of much creepier than the thought of OP clutching an old photo of her friend still fat while talking to him on the phone

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 23:05

Tandora · 13/02/2023 23:05

🤣🤣🤣🤣 can’t think of much creepier than the thought of OP clutching an old photo of her friend still fat while talking to him on the phone

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Haha. That actually made me laugh.

OP posts:
Valentinesquestion · 13/02/2023 23:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Valentinesquestion · 13/02/2023 23:07

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Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 23:08

I have to say, looking at this in a light-hearted way, some of the quotes on here did make me laugh.

One was "you lost your fat friend, thoughts and prayers to you"

OP posts:
PlumbleCrumble · 13/02/2023 23:09

NOT the same thing at all, but this reminds me of Love Is Blind, where contenstants 'fall in love' with someone by talking to them but not seeing them. And sometimes when they get out of the pod, they havr difficulty integrating the voice and person they know with what they look like in person/ letting go of the way they pictured that person when they were talking to them.

Is it that basically that you thought you were talking to him and picturing him looking as he always did, and now you realised he was actuLly looking quite different to what you assumed, and it wad quite jarring?

DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 23:11

The last time I saw her, I burst out crying, as her looks had changed so much.

That is very far from a normal reaction OP.

I really hope you didn't do it in front of her.

PlumbleCrumble · 13/02/2023 23:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sorry I somehow missed that comment!

New theory: he has been replaced by an imposter and only his true friends know

BonnetDeDoucheRodney · 13/02/2023 23:13

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Same question I asked upthread, good luck getting an answer.

Interesting how the personality transplant wasn't in the OP.

CSIblonde · 13/02/2023 23:14

You only miss his old looks? That's not all he is . It feels like you labelled him as a certain thing & the change makes you uneasy. I don't know what the reason is, maybe familiarity is something you are comforted by & change makes you insecure, but would you feel the same if someone very alternative image wise suddenly chose another very different look?

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 23:15

DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 23:11

The last time I saw her, I burst out crying, as her looks had changed so much.

That is very far from a normal reaction OP.

I really hope you didn't do it in front of her.

Well I wasn't the first one to cry. My mum cried when she saw her too. No we didn't get in front of her.

My cousin's grandmother who lives right beside her in Canada and sees her all the time, was also a bit sad at how much she had changed. My cousin had had a huge growth spurt. She shot up really tall and changed a lot over a year .

I remember her grandmother being sad and saying "she has gotten so tall so quickly"

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 23:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Well I think chatting online and through texts is very different to chatting in person.

We were in different countries so a lot of the chat online was just catching up with what we were doing, whats your new job etc etc.

When we were in person and face to face we had more in-depth chats

OP posts:
oywiththepoodlesalreadyy · 13/02/2023 23:21
  • Well I wasn't the first one to cry. My mum cried when she saw her too. No we didn't get in front of her.

My cousin's grandmother who lives right beside her in Canada and sees her all the time, was also a bit sad at how much she had changed. My cousin had had a huge growth spurt. She shot up really tall and changed a lot over a year .

I remember her grandmother being sad and saying "she has gotten so tall so quickly*

This is a really bizarre response from you, your mother and the grandmother.

Eyerollcentral · 13/02/2023 23:31

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 23:15

Well I wasn't the first one to cry. My mum cried when she saw her too. No we didn't get in front of her.

My cousin's grandmother who lives right beside her in Canada and sees her all the time, was also a bit sad at how much she had changed. My cousin had had a huge growth spurt. She shot up really tall and changed a lot over a year .

I remember her grandmother being sad and saying "she has gotten so tall so quickly"

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Bizarre response from all of you.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 13/02/2023 23:32

Fat people really can't win can they?

You really are making your friend's fantastic achievement all about you. I mean, of course you are free to feel whatever you want, but at least you should realise that your emotions around this are pretty self-centred. You should be bloody delighted for him! Of course if he has turned into a wanker that is a separate issue entirely, and unrelated to how much weight he is carrying. And I am also confused about how your regular phone chats failed to reveal this personality transplant?

DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 23:35

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 23:15

Well I wasn't the first one to cry. My mum cried when she saw her too. No we didn't get in front of her.

My cousin's grandmother who lives right beside her in Canada and sees her all the time, was also a bit sad at how much she had changed. My cousin had had a huge growth spurt. She shot up really tall and changed a lot over a year .

I remember her grandmother being sad and saying "she has gotten so tall so quickly"

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Blimey, it runs in the family then.

BadNomad · 13/02/2023 23:36

I think you're misunderstanding your mother and the grandmother's reactions. When people cry about children getting bigger/taller/older it's usually because they are realising how much time has passed, how fast time passes, and how much they have missed out on. It's not the actual physical change that makes them sad.

With you, I dunno tbh. It just sounds like you have an adjustment disorder. You have an image in your head of what everything should look like, you're disappointed when the reality doesn't match it, and you don't know how to accept it. You remember your friend as being fat, but now that he isn't, you're struggling to process it.

follyfoot37 · 13/02/2023 23:40

Has it occured to you that after 3 years away, you too may have changed in looks and peronality, but are doing the usual 'return of the prodigal son(daughter)' and expecting everything to the same - like Brigadoon.
People move on when we are not there. They cut their hair, they make new friends, they change jobs. Some even lose weight.
If it is distressing you to the point where you have to share the fact your mate has lost weight, then continue to justify your unnecessary 'distress' in the face of commennts suggesting this is a bit OTT, then maybe you should terminate the friendship or go back to where you were before and imagine everything beingcthe same at home

Tandora · 13/02/2023 23:53

DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 23:35

Blimey, it runs in the family then.

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🤣🤣🤣🤣