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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sense of loss after some one has lost weight.

190 replies

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 21:05

I had a male friend for three years. We were very close. He was very overweight all that time. I never thought it was a bad thing. That is just how he was.

I moved away to work in another country for a couple of years. I recently moved back near him, and we started talking again.

In those three years, he lost a huge amount of weight. He is literally more than half the size he was. He doesn't look anything like his former self. All of his features have completely changed.

I am happy for him that he is healthy.

However, I feel a real sense of loss for the person I knew. He doesn't look anything like him at all. I feel like I really miss the person I knew. He had such a drastic change in looks.

I know he is the same person, but he is not the person I knew.

I miss the old person. And that person is gone.

I know it's a weird way to feel but if someone changes looks very drastically maybe it is natural to miss the old person?

OP posts:
Travis1 · 13/02/2023 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maybe you need to think about why you are so abusive to people on here.

Is it that you feel insecure in yourself?

That you have to be nasty to others , in order to fe a bit of power over them?

OP posts:
Tandora · 13/02/2023 22:17

OP I think the problem is you are not realising how unpleasant your feelings are. Yes they are your feelings and you can’t help them and they are not rational. But they are unpleasant .

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2023 22:17

How’s his personality changed?

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:18

His personality has completely changed too. I just really miss him. I miss my friend..I miss how close we used to be. We were really close. I do feel sad about that.

But I have to accept that people change. And some friendships go

OP posts:
Pylerbot · 13/02/2023 22:19

Arrrrrrragghhh · 13/02/2023 22:14

Fancy judging a person according to looks and size. It must've taken him a lot to commit to losing weight, he won't need the sight of you disapproving. If you were a man saying this about a woman, post responses would be entirely different. The unpleasantness of it would be picked up on.

Theres no judgement! Her close friend was fat. He doesn’t look ( or probably act ) the same as he used to.
I lost weight and people always commented on how short I was and treated me as a small person; automatically reaching for things on my behalf or being a bit gentler. Chunky me could clearly fend for herself ,despite not actually being any taller or tougher.

🤣 the same happened to me, it’s like they only registered I’m a short arse now that I’m slim 😂

BonnetDeDoucheRodney · 13/02/2023 22:19

In fairness OP you're not being enormously consistent.
Yes I talked to him all the time I was away. On phonecalls and texts. He didn't mention losing weight. So I only saw it for the first time when I came back
Then suddenly it's
Me and him have only been reacquainted for a couple of weeks. And we are not as close as we used to be. There is a totally different vibe with us. We just don't get on as well as we used to.

So it's totally unclear what level of friendship you maintained while you were away. Your story seems to be changing over the course of the thread with the response of posters...

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:21

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2023 22:17

How’s his personality changed?

He is just not the same person at all. He used to be quiet, intelligent, talking about books, history. A real gentle soul. He was so nice. We used to have such great chats.

Now he has lost weight, he is playing sport and he has got in with a load of "laddish men" and he just talks about sex and fucking women, and he says that women standing up for themselves is "a load of feminist rubbish".

His personality has totally and utterly changed.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 13/02/2023 22:22

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:18

His personality has completely changed too. I just really miss him. I miss my friend..I miss how close we used to be. We were really close. I do feel sad about that.

But I have to accept that people change. And some friendships go

How has his personality changed? And why did your post focus on his weight loss, as opposed to his personality change, as the reason for your sadness and feelings of loss?

AlmostaMamma · 13/02/2023 22:23

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:21

He is just not the same person at all. He used to be quiet, intelligent, talking about books, history. A real gentle soul. He was so nice. We used to have such great chats.

Now he has lost weight, he is playing sport and he has got in with a load of "laddish men" and he just talks about sex and fucking women, and he says that women standing up for themselves is "a load of feminist rubbish".

His personality has totally and utterly changed.

Show quote history

Ah, crosspost.

he just talks about sex and fucking women, and he says that women standing up for themselves is "a load of feminist rubbish".

So, he’s saying all of this and what you decided to post about was your feelings of loss because he’d lost weight? Really?

Tandora · 13/02/2023 22:23

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:21

He is just not the same person at all. He used to be quiet, intelligent, talking about books, history. A real gentle soul. He was so nice. We used to have such great chats.

Now he has lost weight, he is playing sport and he has got in with a load of "laddish men" and he just talks about sex and fucking women, and he says that women standing up for themselves is "a load of feminist rubbish".

His personality has totally and utterly changed.

Show quote history

Jesus well that took a bit of a twist. Instead of “I’m so sad because my friend isn’t fat anymore” , how about “I’m starting to dislike my friend because he’s an aggressive, misogynistic sex pest”. You might have got more relevant and helpful advice.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:24

BonnetDeDoucheRodney · 13/02/2023 22:19

In fairness OP you're not being enormously consistent.
Yes I talked to him all the time I was away. On phonecalls and texts. He didn't mention losing weight. So I only saw it for the first time when I came back
Then suddenly it's
Me and him have only been reacquainted for a couple of weeks. And we are not as close as we used to be. There is a totally different vibe with us. We just don't get on as well as we used to.

So it's totally unclear what level of friendship you maintained while you were away. Your story seems to be changing over the course of the thread with the response of posters...

Eh what. I have been consistent. I think it's you who has read it wrong.

*I was in contact with him all the time I was away.

Is true.

And.

*Me and him have only been reacquainted for a couple of weeks.

Is also true.

I meant reacquainted in person. Reacquainted Face to face. We have only been in the same country for about 5 weeks.

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 22:26

Now he has lost weight, he is playing sport and he has got in with a load of "laddish men" and he just talks about sex and fucking women, and he says that women standing up for themselves is "a load of feminist rubbish".

Oh, and what made you drip feed tell us that after nearly everyone has said YABU all through the thread?

Can2022getanyworse · 13/02/2023 22:26

Tandora · 13/02/2023 22:23

Jesus well that took a bit of a twist. Instead of “I’m so sad because my friend isn’t fat anymore” , how about “I’m starting to dislike my friend because he’s an aggressive, misogynistic sex pest”. You might have got more relevant and helpful advice.

Show quote history

Quite...

saraclara · 13/02/2023 22:27

I get it, OP.

I consider myself to be a really logical and reasonable person. So when I felt like that about someone who'd always been overweight, I was a bit freaked out at my reaction. I hadn't seen him for 18 months (Covid etc) and when I did, he'd lost a phemomenal amount of weight. And I still haven't got used to it. His face in particular just doesn't look like the person I knew.

He really needed to lose the weight, and he's done exceptionally well to do so. I'm mega pleased for him. But at some level, my brain just can't compute this person who looks so different, being the same person that I knew before.

And like I say, I'm sometimes too logical and swift to be irritated by people wo aren't. So there has to be something instinctive and a bit primitive going on. But I still don't understand what it is.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:28

DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 22:26

Now he has lost weight, he is playing sport and he has got in with a load of "laddish men" and he just talks about sex and fucking women, and he says that women standing up for themselves is "a load of feminist rubbish".

Oh, and what made you drip feed tell us that after nearly everyone has said YABU all through the thread?

But why is one more important than the other?

I miss all the ways he used to be. How he looked is how I remember him. And I miss how he looked. Maybe I am a visual person.

OP posts:
Soapnotshowergel · 13/02/2023 22:30

Ah the drip feed. It's not that he's lost weight, it's that he's turned into a twat who happens to be thinner.

Life's too short to spend time with people we don't like even if we did used to like them.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:30

saraclara · 13/02/2023 22:27

I get it, OP.

I consider myself to be a really logical and reasonable person. So when I felt like that about someone who'd always been overweight, I was a bit freaked out at my reaction. I hadn't seen him for 18 months (Covid etc) and when I did, he'd lost a phemomenal amount of weight. And I still haven't got used to it. His face in particular just doesn't look like the person I knew.

He really needed to lose the weight, and he's done exceptionally well to do so. I'm mega pleased for him. But at some level, my brain just can't compute this person who looks so different, being the same person that I knew before.

And like I say, I'm sometimes too logical and swift to be irritated by people wo aren't. So there has to be something instinctive and a bit primitive going on. But I still don't understand what it is.

Thank you! Yes there is a level of loss when you see someone that looks drastically different to how they used to. You can't logically explain it.

It is a real primal feeling of shock and loss.

I wonder if there are any studies done on it.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 13/02/2023 22:31

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:28

But why is one more important than the other?

I miss all the ways he used to be. How he looked is how I remember him. And I miss how he looked. Maybe I am a visual person.

Show quote history

Why is a friend’s personality more important than how he looks? Is this a genuine question?

Maybe I am a visual person.

You sound incredibly shallow.

BonnetDeDoucheRodney · 13/02/2023 22:31

Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:24

Eh what. I have been consistent. I think it's you who has read it wrong.

*I was in contact with him all the time I was away.

Is true.

And.

*Me and him have only been reacquainted for a couple of weeks.

Is also true.

I meant reacquainted in person. Reacquainted Face to face. We have only been in the same country for about 5 weeks.

Show quote history

No I fully understood you.

I'm just puzzled why this enormous personality change wasn't apparent over the phone?

DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 22:32

Why is one more important than the other? 😂😂

Tandora · 13/02/2023 22:36

saraclara · 13/02/2023 22:27

I get it, OP.

I consider myself to be a really logical and reasonable person. So when I felt like that about someone who'd always been overweight, I was a bit freaked out at my reaction. I hadn't seen him for 18 months (Covid etc) and when I did, he'd lost a phemomenal amount of weight. And I still haven't got used to it. His face in particular just doesn't look like the person I knew.

He really needed to lose the weight, and he's done exceptionally well to do so. I'm mega pleased for him. But at some level, my brain just can't compute this person who looks so different, being the same person that I knew before.

And like I say, I'm sometimes too logical and swift to be irritated by people wo aren't. So there has to be something instinctive and a bit primitive going on. But I still don't understand what it is.

do you feel sad every time you look at him though? And would you describe his body changing as a “huge shock” and “loss”.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 13/02/2023 22:37

DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 22:32

Why is one more important than the other? 😂😂

Oh. My . God.

Look I know that him becoming a bit more of an asshole , is technically more important than him losing loads of weight.

But when it is me talking about missing the person he used to be, I miss all of the person he used to be.

His looks were formed in my memory as the person I knew and cared about. I miss how he used to look and how he used to act.

Looks are not a small thing. How someone looks is how we remember them. It is important to us.

I had the same feeling when I saw my cousin that I only see every couple of years. One of my young cousins lives in Canada and I only get to see her every about every 2-3 years.

The last time I saw her, I burst out crying, as her looks had changed so much.

OP posts:
Zonder · 13/02/2023 22:39

The narrative has changed. At first it was just about how he has lost weight and op missed fat him. Then later on it turns out he's turned from a bookish quiet person to a sporty jack the lad. So it's not just the weight loss, it's that he also had a personality change. Two different things.

ecdysis · 13/02/2023 22:40

Anyone that thinks a person doesn't change after losing a lot of weight is disingenuous.

You can't continue being the same person if your lifestyle changes. You have to change or you won't change.