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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Valentine's Day drama WIBU?

217 replies

scarlettcarbonara · 13/02/2023 17:00

Dh has been unwell for the past week and hasn't made it out to get a valentines card. Seemingly he's also forgot how to use Amazon/Moonpig etc. I haven't made a fuss about it but as it's now apparent I don't have a card for tomorrow I feel a bit put out. Especially as he did a similar thing last year.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bothered about big statement gifts. But for me a small card is just a token of appreciation. It shouldn't really be a chore and it's not hard work. He's made noises about how he really ought to get to the shop to get me a card which to me just screams of him wanting me to tell him not to bother and don't worry about it. I've calmly tried to explain that there's no point bothering now because he's made it into such a drama and faff thats not what it's about. If he really wanted to sort something he could have popped out and got one without saying anything like I did with his weeks ago.

Aibu to think this is piss poor? Yes he's been unwell but there would have been chance before that. And there's always the internet. Last year something happened where he was otherwise engaged and 'unable' to get me one too. He's usually pretty good otherwise so maybe he just doesn't care about Valentine's Day and I don't either really but it just stings a bit really.

OP posts:
SheSaidHummingbird · 13/02/2023 20:13

Plenty of time to make one.

Skyeheather · 13/02/2023 20:14

Valentines cards have been on sale in Supermarkets since January along with all the chocolates and token gifts etc. He's had plenty of time to choose something, him being I'll this week is not an excuse.

If he doesn't give you anything don't give him anything. Head down to Tesco on Wednesday morning and buy yourself a big bunch of half price Valentines flowers and big box of chocolates, tell him you treated yourself as he didn't bother.

dudsville · 13/02/2023 20:15

OP, your post reminded me of the issue i have with my father and my birthday. The man cannot remember it. I'm not into big celebrations, my family don't send cards and presents and that's fine with me. My mum will send a sweet text about what that day was like, my brother will send an email saying hair birthday but mostly just catching up on news,and my very loving Aunt will send a bizarrely formally worded text. BUT my father never remembers. He had a randomly shaming event about it (not from me), so he wanted to try harder to remember, last year he texted me a week in advance to tell me how hard he was trying to remember, and it really made me feel like shit. So i get what you're saying when you say you don't need much, what you also don't need is him swanning about making out it's just too hard a task.

youshouldnthaveasked · 13/02/2023 20:18

JudgeJ · 13/02/2023 19:34

We never sent Valentine cards and we were married for almost 52 years. Yorkshiremen are the bane of Hallmark's life!

Show quote history

Aww 52 years 🥰 yes, I’m a fellow Yorkshire person

endoftheworldniteclub · 13/02/2023 20:21

Sorry to ask, but is the importance of buying a card a UK thing? Where I’m from it’s never been a thing really.

Arrrrrrragghhh · 13/02/2023 20:22

I’ve always liked Valentine’s Day because it’s all the things I enjoy. Love, romance, chocolates, flowers, wine, meals out….brilliant what’s not to like?!
Even when I didn’t have a boyfriend I could always send a cheeky card to somebody I fancied. I also got the Meal Deals when they first came out because you got a huge bargain meal and wine that as a singleton, would feed me for days.

I’ve got DH a card ( sarcastic not slushy because we aren’t), a small tree he’s always wanted and a bottle of wine he loved in a restaurant abroad. He’ll get me a card and flowers but honestly if he didn’t I wouldn’t mind asI’m happy he’ll love my surprises. I’d know he’d have a good reason if he didn’t even if he’d decided it was all commercialised shit. I’d be miffed if he just forgot or couldn’t be arsed though.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 13/02/2023 20:25

I thought tomo was pancake day, gutted. Of course I could still have pancakes but it’s not the same!!

cherish123 · 13/02/2023 20:25

YABU
If he's ill you must have known he would not be able to get anything. It's not your birthday. If you ate that bothered, don't give him anything.

Ellie1015 · 13/02/2023 20:33

scarlettcarbonara · 13/02/2023 17:41

Thanks all. I'm not at all surprised by the comments. This is MN and also AIBU where it's completely uncool to care about such silly, trivial things Grin

As I said in the op, it's not about the card or the day as such. It's just a token gesture that I always make the (very tiny) effort for for him. And it is wildly irritating that he keeps talking about going instead of just doing it haha.

I probably am being quite silly though. I won't file for divorce just yet.

If i were your dh the token gesture I would want would be letting me off the hook with valentines when I have a cold. I would appreciate "dont worry about it, you haven't been well and valentines isn't a big deal" and I would have organised flowers or chocs or something at the weekend when it didnt feel like a chore.

Original poster
scarlettcarbonara · 13/02/2023 20:34

cherish123 · 13/02/2023 20:25

YABU
If he's ill you must have known he would not be able to get anything. It's not your birthday. If you ate that bothered, don't give him anything.

He is competent in the use of the internet. He's been scrolling it plenty the last few days. It's not difficult.

I suppose my point is if someone does it out of a sense of duty rather than because they genuinely like exchanging cards and gifts it's just a bit pointless isn't it? I enjoy giving and I don't give to receive but it is nice to get something back now and then. Ironically when we first got together he was totally over the top with valentines gifts. Hoodwinked me the bastard.

OP posts:
VivaLesTartes · 13/02/2023 20:43

He wouldn't be trying to make you think he hasn't got you one so it's a surprise?
My dh does this to me all the time. Well I have learnt now and get a card way in advance. He likes to pretend he doesn't care, and makes a big song and dance about how we don't celebrate valentine's and how it's a waste of money. Then morning of the 14th a card appears and he's laughing because he knows I am embarrassed that I haven't got him anything.

One year I got him a card and present when he forgot. plus I put it in his work bag so I really had nothing for him on the morning and then he found it on his way to work. Huge tactical win on my part as he went and got a fancy box of chocolates on the way home. (So maybe it was a draw....?)

We might be a bit weird actually.

elQuintoConyo · 13/02/2023 20:47

This is the card I made for DH 26 years in.

Valentine's Day drama WIBU?
JudgeJ · 13/02/2023 20:49

elQuintoConyo · 13/02/2023 20:47

This is the card I made for DH 26 years in.

I hope the inside message is 'for now'!

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 13/02/2023 20:55

We've been together 22 yrs and married 16 and we do valentines so no it's not just for teens and newlyweds. Don't do anything big just a little token, I've got DH a cactus and a card. If he knows that you like to exchange cards then yes he should have made the effort to get one.

MeinKraft · 13/02/2023 20:58

Valentines Day is a bit cheesy and daft but this isn't just about V Day is it? If this is important to you and you let it slide, then what's next? No card on your anniversary, no birthday present? These aren't things that matter to me personally, but I see posts from disappointed women here all the time that their partner made no effort on a special day and it's ok to feel hurt about that.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2023 21:08

Meowandthen · 13/02/2023 19:17

Valentine’s Day is commercialized nonsense for the gullible. It was supposed to about secret admirers sending anonymous cards but now it’s just a load of red and heart-shaped, overpriced rubbish.

And no, I am not bitter as I have been happily married for many years but dislike orchestrated and manipulated days like this. One card is not what love and romance is about.

It ruins my birthday, I would love to go out for a meal at one of our favourite restaurants with all my family, but fuck that they chuck at least 50% on on the price because its valentines day lol.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2023 21:13

ShowOfHands · 13/02/2023 19:46

As he’s poorly then why not treat him to a at home spa day tomorrow and his favourite meal

That's it. Worst sentence ever written. The Internet can officially close for business.

My four least favourite words: poorly; spa; treat; meal. All in the same utterance. That's enough reading for me.

😂😂😂

SilverTotoro · 13/02/2023 21:25

Together 16 years and always exchange cards and cook a meal together. Yes it’s a commercialised holiday, but it gives us an excuse to have a nice evening and write a few nice words for each other. I’d be hurt if DH moaned about having to get me a card.

QueSyrahSyrah · 13/02/2023 21:29

Just wondering how many of those on this thread looking down their nose at Valentines cards will be expecting a Mother's Day card in a months time? Same level of commercialism, same waste of paper, same sentiment that could be communicated year round...

BouncyBabyNumber2 · 13/02/2023 21:32

I'd feel a bit put out too, @OP. Part of a relationship is knowing and understanding what's important to your partner, even if you don't feel the same or understand why it's important. And buying a card is so easy - it's not asking for much.

I like to receive a Valentines card - DH knows this and therefore sends me one. I appreciate it. It's important to him that we see his family on Boxing Day, so we do that, and he appreciates that. He doesn't care about cards, I don't care about Boxing Day, but we do it because it's important - for whatever reason - to the other person. It's kind to care about what they care about.

Arrrrrrragghhh · 13/02/2023 21:37

elQuintoConyo · 13/02/2023 20:47

This is the card I made for DH 26 years in.

Good choice .I’ve seen that card in a few shops and nearly got it myself.
Also liked “ I tolerate you to the moon and back”

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 13/02/2023 22:54

FineThings · 13/02/2023 17:18

If my DH had been ill for a week I wouldn't expect him to go to the shops and get me a card. And wouldn't expect him to be organised enough to be "pre-planning" his card by buying it weeks in advance. I only got his yesterday! There are years where one of us has bought a card and the other hasn't, same with anniversary cards.
Weirdly, I don't like online ordered cards, they seem impersonal - I don't know why though! Something to do with the person sending it not having actually touched it and written in it. I accept that is odd though.

Totally feel the same.

Venicelagoon · 14/02/2023 00:35

I explained the OP's dilemma to my husband. His response was that the OP should buy her husband a Valentine's card because he has been unwell. I think she should up the box of chocolates I suggested she buy herself to a big one for the two of you. And go out for a meal when he feels better. I say this as a person who couldn't taste or smell Christmas meal and neither could my husband, due to catching Covid over Christmas and both feeling really poorly. Use your husband's illness as an excuse to celebrate later.

Jayne35 · 14/02/2023 10:02

Just wondering how many of those on this thread looking down their nose at Valentines cards will be expecting a Mother's Day card in a months time? Same level of commercialism, same waste of paper, same sentiment that could be communicated year round...

I prefer not to do cards for any celebration, they are always a waste of money.

RobertaFirmino · 14/02/2023 10:50

Any fool can buy a card and write something schmaltzy in it. What about the rest of the year though? That's what's really important. All the flowers and chocolates in the world won't make a jot of difference if you are married to an arsehole. Not receiving a card on one day of the year that the retailers tell you that you have to make some sort of gesture because your husband is unwell won't make a jot of difference if you're married to a decent bloke.