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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Valentine's Day drama WIBU?

217 replies

scarlettcarbonara · 13/02/2023 17:00

Dh has been unwell for the past week and hasn't made it out to get a valentines card. Seemingly he's also forgot how to use Amazon/Moonpig etc. I haven't made a fuss about it but as it's now apparent I don't have a card for tomorrow I feel a bit put out. Especially as he did a similar thing last year.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bothered about big statement gifts. But for me a small card is just a token of appreciation. It shouldn't really be a chore and it's not hard work. He's made noises about how he really ought to get to the shop to get me a card which to me just screams of him wanting me to tell him not to bother and don't worry about it. I've calmly tried to explain that there's no point bothering now because he's made it into such a drama and faff thats not what it's about. If he really wanted to sort something he could have popped out and got one without saying anything like I did with his weeks ago.

Aibu to think this is piss poor? Yes he's been unwell but there would have been chance before that. And there's always the internet. Last year something happened where he was otherwise engaged and 'unable' to get me one too. He's usually pretty good otherwise so maybe he just doesn't care about Valentine's Day and I don't either really but it just stings a bit really.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 13/02/2023 17:47

We still buy eachother a card, after 20+ years. I bought one a few weeks ago because I just happened to see one. I'd be a bit put out if he didn't bother. I like a bit of effort. But you said he didn't make the effort last year either.

Whatskillsgap · 13/02/2023 17:48

OP be my valentine! 💋

If it matters to you then it matters x

DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 17:48

scarlettcarbonara · 13/02/2023 17:41

Thanks all. I'm not at all surprised by the comments. This is MN and also AIBU where it's completely uncool to care about such silly, trivial things Grin

As I said in the op, it's not about the card or the day as such. It's just a token gesture that I always make the (very tiny) effort for for him. And it is wildly irritating that he keeps talking about going instead of just doing it haha.

I probably am being quite silly though. I won't file for divorce just yet.

It's not 'uncool' or anything like that but I think it's only a good thing if both of you want to do it.

I don't think it's fair for one person to feel forced and also, whenever these threads come up, the OP always says "But I always make the effort".

It's important to remember that you're making the effort for you because it makes you feel good to buy a card IYSWIM?

StopGrowingPlease · 13/02/2023 17:51

Give him a blank card to make his own? That’s what I’m going to be doing 😂

AlotIsntAWord · 13/02/2023 17:52

JimHensonWasAGenius · 13/02/2023 17:20

Yes they do.

DH and I have been married 31 years and still mark Valentine's day.

Everyone is different shocker!

Show quote history

Quite.
Married 25 years. We always get each other a card. I often order a special one off Etsy or somewhere. He made out he hadn’t got me one last year and had forgotten, he was kidding. It was sat on my dashboard with a couple of little chocolate hearts when I got in the car to go to work.
It’s fine fine for people not to bother if it isn’t a big deal to them.
It IS a big deal to op.

MirandaWest · 13/02/2023 17:52

My mum and dad get each other Valentine’s Day cards and they’ve been married 50 years 😊

DH and I do as well - I always seem to end up buying one on the 13th and have lived up to my own standards today 😃

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 17:55

I'd be more irritated by his attempt at emotional manipulation than not getting a card tbh. Whenever anyone does this type of thing I try to bounce it straight back to them and answer with "You do what you think is right" ..however....
I do think it's needy to expect a Valentine's card. You've probably bought him a card/gift but guess what? He doesn't care. He would gladly not recieve anything and be released from this shackle. If you really love him, let that be your gift to him....you no longer expect anything

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2023 17:57

I've calmly tried to explain that there's no point bothering now because he's made it into such a drama and faff thats not what it's about

It sound like you are the one making it into a drama 😂

MysteryBelle · 13/02/2023 17:57

I agree with you. He should not have trouble doing the bare minimum like getting you a card. It’s not like you’re asking for or expecting a whirlwind trip to Paris. Just a card. Very simple gesture that yes, means a lot. Flowers and chocolates are not that difficult to manage either but at least a card. I’m with you 100%. We should try to do these little things that we know mean so much to the other person.

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 13/02/2023 17:59

I think if it’s important to you then it should be a priority for him. Yes, people will tell you that you’re being unreasonable but we all have different standards and you’re not wrong for wanting a card.
We all show and want love in different ways.

BeachBlondey · 13/02/2023 17:59

Op, this is MN, where apparently it's cool for your husband to do shit all on Valentine's Day. Heaven forbid if you think it would be nice to get a card and some flowers or chocolates. Or, GASP, get taken out to dinner.

My DH has to leave super early for work tomorrow, so I won't see him in the morning. But I guarantee you, that come 3pm, he will be walking up the drive with a bunch of flowers for me. The cheek of the man!!

crackersforcrackers · 13/02/2023 17:59

YANBU, you're right he could have gone on Amazon/Moonpig etc and to all the naysayers I still love getting a card and small gift.

Rdub · 13/02/2023 18:01

Maybe he's waiting till the 15th Feb to get you one...alot cheaper then! 😂
He's been ill so cut him some slack I'd say. I'm sure he loves you and shows it other ways.

Wnikat · 13/02/2023 18:02

If he’s ill and you love him then surely you tell him he doesn’t have to force himself to the shop to buy a valentine’s card?

MysteryBelle · 13/02/2023 18:04

BeachBlondey · 13/02/2023 17:59

Op, this is MN, where apparently it's cool for your husband to do shit all on Valentine's Day. Heaven forbid if you think it would be nice to get a card and some flowers or chocolates. Or, GASP, get taken out to dinner.

My DH has to leave super early for work tomorrow, so I won't see him in the morning. But I guarantee you, that come 3pm, he will be walking up the drive with a bunch of flowers for me. The cheek of the man!!

❤️

LlynTegid · 13/02/2023 18:05

I think he could have offered to do something when he is well, such as go for a meal this weekend.

drunkornot · 13/02/2023 18:05

Personally I wouldn’t buy him anything for Valentine’s Day, birthdays or Christmas either. Not to be horrible - but it’s clear that he doesn’t have the same gift expectations as you do and he might like things scaled back. It’s not a priority for him. And that’s okay; you just don’t have to get your hopes up and therefore your feelings hurt by expecting him to do more than he feels comfortable with.

Hellsmovie · 13/02/2023 18:05

Beachbodyready · 13/02/2023 17:07

Just tell him that the important thing is the message of appreciation and he can do that at anytime. In fact it is more meaningful when he has chosen to do it himself rather than when Hallmark tells him to do it.

This.

Although I am fully expecting a forum full whinging tomorrow.

And the pile on to anyone who praises there partner

PuppyMonkey · 13/02/2023 18:05

It could be one of those double bluffs where he’s giving you the impression he’s not sorted anything, but tomorrow morning, you’ll actually wake up to massive delivery of flowers, a helicopter ride to Paris and dinner in the most expensive restaurant in Europe.

Or, you know, maybe he hasn’t got you anything at all because he can’t be arsed with it, he’s been ill or the internet is full of cringe stuff he detest. And you know what, you can get through this OP either way. Be brave.Grin

LuluBlakey1 · 13/02/2023 18:06

We still bother- we don't make a fuss but we get each other a card, he usually gets me some flowers and a big bar of chocolate and I buy him a couple of bottles of beer 😁
We always cook a nice meal- nothing fancy but something we like. We drink his beer with it and we eat my chocolate afterwards.

CPL593H · 13/02/2023 18:07

It's better to make (reasonable) expectations about things that matter to you clear than harbour resentment and have discord when you're disappointed. Having said that he's not been well. Agree re heavy hints that he is not keen on turning out to get you a card, to which I'd answer briskly that it didn't matter and you can go out for a nice meal/whatever when he's feeling better.

My husband is bedbound and very poorly and has been on all day that he feels terrible that he hasn't got me anything. I honestly don't care and have made that plain to him. I've got him a card and a meaningful book and am doing a special meal with champagne tomorrow. The first Valentines we were together (engaged) I got 50 red roses and 5 cards. He's always been thoughtful (soppy) and it is nice to have those memories in the tough times.

Give him your card and have a good day tomorrow Flowers (possibly the only ones you'll get, I know! Grin)

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 18:08

scarlettcarbonara · 13/02/2023 17:41

Thanks all. I'm not at all surprised by the comments. This is MN and also AIBU where it's completely uncool to care about such silly, trivial things Grin

As I said in the op, it's not about the card or the day as such. It's just a token gesture that I always make the (very tiny) effort for for him. And it is wildly irritating that he keeps talking about going instead of just doing it haha.

I probably am being quite silly though. I won't file for divorce just yet.

I don't think it's the fact that it's trivial. The little things are always important, especially if it's something you feel strongly about. I think because he's been ill though it's maybe not quite as much of a big deal. I'm sure he makes it up to you throughout the year?

Name999999 · 13/02/2023 18:08

Shoot thanks for the reminder!

OldFan · 13/02/2023 18:08

I think I would feel the same @scarlettcarbonara . PP's mightn't but you're not being abnormal.

Venicelagoon · 13/02/2023 18:10

Don't fret about him not getting you a card. It's just a card. Men don't generally do cards. My husband doesn't bother with Birthday cards or Valentines Day cards or Christmas cards. Don't make a fuss about it. Buy yourself some chocolates and make a special meal for both of you. He'll get the message.