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AIBU?

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Original poster

BIL wants us to pay for their lifestyle

331 replies

MsPorridge · 13/02/2023 07:18

Sorry for my English: not a native speaker. BIL has asked my partner to give them money every month because they "can't cope" with all the expenses.

My partner went to visit his brother and his family last week. I wasn't there. Brother started asking partner how we are coping with cost of living and partner was just honest and said that energy bills are more expensive, etc. but because our expenses have always been so low, we are ok. Brother kept asking questions and partner did not think of any hidden intentions and answered and gave details about our financial situation (they were not very specific but it was just made clear that we were able to save around 2000 per month, except when there is some unexpected cost that month).

For some background: we have no children, no car, no pets, love cooking our own meals, no expensive hobby and maybe we are just very busy to spend money (we spend our time volunteering for different causes, doing exercise, love going on walks which is free...). This is just how we enjoy our life and the saving part just naturally happens. We also own our flat outright because we bought a small one (we could have afforded a much bigger place but not complaining, it was just what we felt we needed) and payed our mortgage quickly. Now we make around 3000 per month combined, so not really a high-income by any means, but it's fine for our situation. Most months we only spend like 1000 and the rest goes to savings/investments. It does help that I've never been interested in make-up or having lots of nice clothes, none of us drink alcohol, etc.

Going back to the problem: his brother started almost crying to him asking if we could give them around 500 per month during an indefinite amount of time to help with the expenses. My partner is a really soft person who always wants to help everyone. I've had a few arguments with him because of this. So he didn't say a straight no and from what he has told me he made it sound like he would talk with me about it and almost like a yes. Apparently the brother said things like "it wouldn't make any difference to you two, right? It seems you are really very comfortable with your life but we are really struggling at the moment". He also mentioned how my partner had to go back to stay with their mum and stayed rent-free for a year (this was 10 years ago and he still seems bitter and about it) as if somehow this justifies what he's asking.

They have 3 children, live in a much nicer and bigger house than us, have 2 expensive cars, 1 dog, 1 cat and 2 rabbits, I see pictures of them dinning out often or going away for the weekend with the whole family, always seem to have new fancy clothes, always redecorating the house, and children have a few expensive hobbies/after-school activities etc. Which I'm happy for them and don't feel any jealousy about but also don't see this is a desperate situation in which they are asking for money to put a meal on the table or pay the mortgage. They just need to adjust. My partner feels very sad for them and thinks it's not fair for the children not to be able to enjoy their life as usual. I feel very very angry that his brother feels entitled to my partner's money just because he has chosen to live a frugal life.

I am really disappointed with my partner for allowing this to happen. Please help. He has agreed with me that is totally unacceptable to ask but does not want to upset him.

OP posts:
Cosmos123 · 13/02/2023 07:29

Tell him to do one.

Speak to your partner.
If he stills wants to help and you can't agree then consider separating.

The brother won't ever stop asking.
Your partner should not be sharing personal financial Information with anyone.
It is unfair on you.

watchfulwishes · 13/02/2023 07:34

I don't know. I have had family help in the past. But it wasn't an ongoing subsidy.

I think in your shoes, with my family background, I'd gift something like £1k to give time to sort it out and say no to an ongoing arrangement.

Your DH needs to never talk specifics about money!

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/02/2023 07:34

Can you tell him that you are saving so that one day you can afford a lifestyle like his? Leave him to infer what he wants to from that.

Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 07:36

It sounds like somebody should upset him. Dh should go back and say I’ve thought about it and if you had our lifestyle you’d have plenty spare. Suggest you cut back rather than expect others who live frugally to subsidise your spending.

SettingPrecedents · 13/02/2023 07:39

Sod that. If it was a one off - we can’t make the mortgage this month, the boiler has broken down, etc - then yes I’d say being generous would be the kind thing. But subsidising them indefinitely? Absolutely not! Life is expensive at the moment, everyone has to tighten their belts. If they live an extravagant lifestyle then they have plenty of opportunities to cut back.

Headoutofplace · 13/02/2023 07:39

I would personally say no, that he needs to cut back to a bit more frugal lifestyle and see how he manages then. It does seem unfair though that your DH doesn't get to decide what to do at all with money when it's 50/50 - maybe now would be a good time to introduce a personal spends budget, eg you have £100 a month each to spend how you like, then if he wants to give that to his brother it's up to him.

MissMarplesbag · 13/02/2023 07:41

Your partner should ask to see their monthly budget first to see what their expenses are. If they want his money then they shouldn’t refuse his request, I suspect they won’t send it over.

your partner should identify £500 worth of cost savings from their budget such as switching to cheaper deals, aldi/Lidl groceries, 1 car, meal out monthly & no new clothes etc. Then he should advise them each to get a 1 day job at a shop restaurant for extra income.

Then he should hand back the budget and say they’ve sorted themselves out so they don’t need his money. People like this won’t trim their budget, they just expect others to pick up the bill.

TiaraBoo · 13/02/2023 07:43

I don’t think your DH should given them even £100 as per pp message. What happens if you and DH want a new car, a new house, to have children, a holiday, anything. He’ll just guilt your DH into not changing his lifestyle.

MissMarplesbag · 13/02/2023 07:43

www.moneysavingexpert.com/

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 07:43

No one is obliged to help anyone but most people would help a little if they could however a regular on going payment is not reasonable. They clearly are living beyond their means. Unfortunately it's not as simple as sending the children back, they are here now and it might not be a sensible option for them to move but ultimately they need to address their situation. Give them a smaller one off gift by all means but don't agree to subsidise them long term.
I'm unsure what your dilemma is. Your husband hasn't agreed to this has he? If he done this without discussing it with you you have bigger problems than money.

OriginalUsername2 · 13/02/2023 07:43

Each household is responsible for themselves, surely?! If DP’s bil wss as bred the same I would laugh and say we’re not your parents and you’re fully grown adults!

LordBuckley · 13/02/2023 07:43

No need to apologise for your English: it's excellent!

OriginalUsername2 · 13/02/2023 07:43

*asked us

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2023 07:45

YANBU and your husband shouldn't be sharing financial details with his family like this.

Your BIL needs to do what a lot of people are doing and accept his lifestyle needs to change.

If they were already living more frugally and needed some money for a one off expenses or to bridge between jobs, I'd say to help if you can, but not because they want to maintain a lifestyle they can't afford.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 13/02/2023 07:46

Your partner needs to man up, say no, and accept the fall out. There is no half way with people like your bil.

Companyofwolves · 13/02/2023 07:47

IMO once you start it will never stop. He doesn’t get to take from you to maintain his standard of living. He needs to make changes & reduce his own costs. Advise DH to suggest BIL get independent financial advice & find out where they can save.

Your DH needs to realise that if he gives him money he jeopardises you staying in the relationship with him.

Your husband has been played by his brother & manipulated into saying how comfortable you are financially before then asking for money.

I agree that it feels unkind to not volunteer any help if you can afford it, but even a one off lump sum gift could easily be given & then BIL could very easily ask for more. Once your DH has done it once it will be harder not to do it again.

Whataretheodds · 13/02/2023 07:48

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/02/2023 07:34

Can you tell him that you are saving so that one day you can afford a lifestyle like his? Leave him to infer what he wants to from that.

This

whiteroseredrose · 13/02/2023 07:50

Offer to go and help them cut down their expenses. Cancel the holidays and buy a tent. Show how to cook from scratch. Show them We buy any car. Com and how to find an economical car. Houses in a cheaper area etc.

You have cut your cloth accordingly so that you have a secure old age, not to fund someone else's flash lifestyle.

ItchyBillco · 13/02/2023 07:52

Your partner is a total drip.

Nosleepforthismum · 13/02/2023 07:54

God no. Your BIL is being CF of the highest order. I would never ask my siblings for a handout and certainly not on a regular basis. I wouldn’t even give them a one off payment as frankly it sounds as though they have had poor money management for years and have made no provisions for savings in that time to weather any change in circumstances. They are living beyond their means and needing an extra £500 a month is literally taking the piss. Sorry OP but I’m actually incensed on your behalf.

Justalittlebitduckling · 13/02/2023 07:55

No way. Absolute scrounges. If you did want to give them money, I would be putting away for the nieces/nephews not giving it to the freeloading brother. But there’s no reason why you should give them anything.

Mumdiva99 · 13/02/2023 07:56

Of course you don't need to help them.

We have a reasonable life and we are just changing things to meet the cost if lovong crises. "Sorry kids we can't do that this month as don't have the spare cash."
"I'm buying less this Xmas as not as much spare money around".
"Sorry hubby, stick a jumper on not the heating as it's expensive." "Sorry family, chickpea curry again as meat is so expensive" etc etc

Of course if they lived frugally and had an emergency then you would help.

Gawpygertie · 13/02/2023 07:58

I would say no.
However if your dh is soft tell him to send them a £50 online shop of basics once a month.
They won't like it because they want cash but beggars can't be choosers.

ImAvingOops · 13/02/2023 08:00

It's awful that the brother has done this - no matter what you do now, the relationship will be tainted.
If the brother was really trying hard to manage and just couldn't, then in your partner's shoes, I would help out. When you say that you see lots of meals out being posted on social media, is that an historic thing or are they still doing this regularly? Because if they are not cutting back at all, it's easier for your dp to say that he isn't willing to subsidise a lifestyle he doesn't even have himself!

To me, helping out doesn't mean subsidising a way of life that you aren't even having. Helping out is covering the cost of an emergency if he truly couldn't afford to save money himself, like a car repair bill or similar.

Your dp is going to have to decline and it's going to piss off the brother and lead to resentment. It's terrible the brother has put him in this position. To soften the blow, he could offer some help for this month to give his brother some breathing room to make savings. Or offer to pay for a financial advisor to give advice. But I'm telling you now, the brother won't appreciate it - he's got it into his head that he's entitled to your money.

Maybe your partner can say that the savings are primarily yours and that you want them for a house/car/renovation purchase and therefore he can't give money away? I know that means you getting the blame but I would do that if it meant things were easier between dp and his brother

billy1966 · 13/02/2023 08:01

Absolutely not.

This would be a reason to split up with your partner.

If he wants to pay for their lifestyle it is better you split now.

Your partner sounds weak and foolish.

Be very careful of staying with a weak and foolish man who would consider something so ridiculous.

His brother thinks your partner is a mug too.

I would refuse to discuss this in any shape or form.

Perhaps look at splitting those savings and putting half intobyour own account.

Foolish men are not to be trusted.

It is not your job to support their lifestyle and your partner has a huge cheek asking you for money for his brother every month.

You should be very annoyed at even being asked.