BIL wants us to pay for their lifestyle

[MsPorridge]

Sorry for my English: not a native speaker. BIL has asked my partner to give them money every month because they "can't cope" with all the expenses.

My partner went to visit his brother and his family last week. I wasn't there. Brother started asking partner how we are coping with cost of living and partner was just honest and said that energy bills are more expensive, etc. but because our expenses have always been so low, we are ok. Brother kept asking questions and partner did not think of any hidden intentions and answered and gave details about our financial situation (they were not very specific but it was just made clear that we were able to save around 2000 per month, except when there is some unexpected cost that month).

For some background: we have no children, no car, no pets, love cooking our own meals, no expensive hobby and maybe we are just very busy to spend money (we spend our time volunteering for different causes, doing exercise, love going on walks which is free...). This is just how we enjoy our life and the saving part just naturally happens. We also own our flat outright because we bought a small one (we could have afforded a much bigger place but not complaining, it was just what we felt we needed) and payed our mortgage quickly. Now we make around 3000 per month combined, so not really a high-income by any means, but it's fine for our situation. Most months we only spend like 1000 and the rest goes to savings/investments. It does help that I've never been interested in make-up or having lots of nice clothes, none of us drink alcohol, etc.

Going back to the problem: his brother started almost crying to him asking if we could give them around 500 per month during an indefinite amount of time to help with the expenses. My partner is a really soft person who always wants to help everyone. I've had a few arguments with him because of this. So he didn't say a straight no and from what he has told me he made it sound like he would talk with me about it and almost like a yes. Apparently the brother said things like "it wouldn't make any difference to you two, right? It seems you are really very comfortable with your life but we are really struggling at the moment". He also mentioned how my partner had to go back to stay with their mum and stayed rent-free for a year (this was 10 years ago and he still seems bitter and about it) as if somehow this justifies what he's asking.

They have 3 children, live in a much nicer and bigger house than us, have 2 expensive cars, 1 dog, 1 cat and 2 rabbits, I see pictures of them dinning out often or going away for the weekend with the whole family, always seem to have new fancy clothes, always redecorating the house, and children have a few expensive hobbies/after-school activities etc. Which I'm happy for them and don't feel any jealousy about but also don't see this is a desperate situation in which they are asking for money to put a meal on the table or pay the mortgage. They just need to adjust. My partner feels very sad for them and thinks it's not fair for the children not to be able to enjoy their life as usual. I feel very very angry that his brother feels entitled to my partner's money just because he has chosen to live a frugal life.

I am really disappointed with my partner for allowing this to happen. Please help. He has agreed with me that is totally unacceptable to ask but does not want to upset him.

This is insane.

Just say no. That's it. No.

Why the fuck would you pay for their lifestyle?! Absolutely bat shit crazy.

And If your DH agrees then I'd be leaving. How dare he priorities another family over you. You work hard to save that money.

If you were going to give 500 a month away at least give it to a worthy cause, like a food bank!

I’d be so annoyed with your partner for the way he’s worded that to his brother.

you’re going to be the bad guy here for the no.

Be very careful about emergencies suddenly cropping up when you do say no…

This is an excellent idea, OP you’ve obviously got excellent budgeting skills - offer to help them go through their spending in detail and I bet you can find them monthly savings.

Then it’s up to them to implement it.

If the money ask was a one off I’d consider it but an ongoing payment expectation is too much, where will it end? What happens when they up the request?

Your partner should not have shared your personal finances. That was completely inappropriate and a breach of your trust.

Your BiL clearly doesn’t want to address the issue of adapting his lifestyle, he just wants someone else to pay for it. I also have a BiL like this, PIL wanted to be kind and help for the sake of the grandkids. To date it has cost PIL £14k, they are at their wits end and can’t afford to keep helping. BiL still has no clue about budgeting and has continued his lifestyle uninterrupted.

In your position I would suggest to your partner that he offer his brother budgeting advice and where the BiL can make changes. If you start giving money the request will never end.

Maybe say a one off payment. Make it clear its a one off though.problem is if you did it for a short time then it would be difficult to stop.perhaps sit down with them and go through their budget. They are living a very nice lifestyle atm .you can't be expected to pay for them as well

I have children, a mortgage and cars. (No pets though) we like going out, day trips, eating out, holidays. When things get tough we cut back to issue.

my BIL is a multi-millionaire, self made. He is generous but lives a frugal lifestyle. No mortgage but one car, very occasional holiday, no designer. I would never ask him for money unless an absolute emergency.

your BIL is unreasonable and need to manage his own life better.

I can't believe the nerve of your bil. If he's in dire straits maybe give him a one off payment of a few hundred but an ongoing payment? Absolutely not! My brother earns twice what I do but I would never ask him to subsidise me. The shame of it! Your partner needs to grow a backbone and tell him no way. The kids are their responsibility. They had them.

Your BIL and his family need to learn to cut their cloth tbh. Your partner needs to speak to them first regarding this, tell them they have a lifestyle that isn’t affordable and there are areas they need to change before you will even consider helping them they need to help themselves. You both seem to have sensible financial acumen so perhaps this is what you offer instead of cold hard cash.

The only thing I’ve noticed is you say partner, you’re not married? If your partner wants to use his own disposable income to help then you don’t really have a say as you’re not financially enmeshed and you really have no say in how he spends his own money. So if he decides to do this, and still is contributing to your finances like bills / savings and wants to help is brother there isn’t really much you can do, other than vote with your feet.

As others have said:

1. Your English is great- you certainly speak it a lot better than all of last year's prime ministers, especially the blond one.
2. Tell your brother-in-law to look at Martin Lewis' website and follow every relevant step on there. Even just changing bank accounts can get you an easy £200 - double that if they have separate accounts and both change.
3. Don't be too hard on husband- it can be hard when put on the spot by someone you love, but tell him to refuse his brother as you shouldn't be subsidising their lifestyle. Genuine emergency- that's another matter- but not pocket money.
4. Why don't you spend a little of the money you have on a lovely holiday back to your native country ....it sounds like you can certainly afford it and you might enjoy it? Or do something else as a nice treat (I don't mean to rub in your BIL's face, but just for you to enjoy as something different?

"Now we make around 3000 per month combined".

And the BIL wants you to give him £500 of that?!

Maybe I could understand it if you made £30,000 per month, but £3000? He's taking the absolute, utter, unbelievable piss. No way. Just no way on God's green luscious earth.

I daren't even ask you if that £3000 is before or after tax -- because it would turn sheer, bare-faced, jaw dropping audacity into something that I actually do not have a word for.

Presuming it is after tax, then it would suggest you were on a combined household gross income of about £45K? Which would then suggest that one of you is earning less than the national average salary?

Crikey ...

Bil and wife have to cut back to the bare minimum first, then see what their financial situation is.
You and your DH are living sensibly, they can do the same.
If your DH is concerned for the children he could perhaps, with your agreement, pay for one activity each or put amount into a savings account for them fir Uni but this would be no more than £50 a month each tops.

Not a chance.

You cut your cloth according to your means.

They have 3 children, live in a much nicer and bigger house than us, have 2 expensive cars, 1 dog, 1 cat and 2 rabbits, I see pictures of them dinning out often or going away for the weekend with the whole family, always seem to have new fancy clothes, always redecorating the house, and children have a few expensive hobbies/after-school activities etc.

Assuming they both work full-time (childcare permitting), they can economise easily by stopping some of the activities, not redecorating for a few years, not eating out as often, fewer holidays, less clothing or cheaper stuff for growing kids, sell one of the cars and downgrade the other, consider moving to a smaller and less expensive area.

If they were still skint after all that, your £500 charitable donation to them each month won't be enough and soon they'll come back for more.

At least the OP appears to have some manners so she’s one up on you,

How rude.

Why do people start posts that are clearly mean to cause hurt or offence with “I’m sorry”. You’re not sorry otherwise you would just keep your nasty thoughts to yourself. You know what’s more miserable? A life brining others down because you’re lacking the grey matter to understand them.

Just imagine if your DH did give them £500/month. Every time you saw them out for a meal or in new clothes on social media, you'd be thinking "I've bought that for you". It would presumably ruin any relationship you had with them..

This! I wouldn't be giving them a dime until I'd seen where they were spending their money. Financial help can come in the form of helping someone to budget appropriately, not just a free handout forever because they don't want to cut back on unnecessary spending.

Oi, Ms Judgy Pants 2023, crawl back under your rock.

I'll be reporting your post for attacking the OP.

‘Hi John, we can’t afford to fund your lifestyle every month so will have to say no to subsidising you. If you like, I’d be happy to go through your budget with you and help you find ways to cut costs so that you’re not spending more than you earn. Let me know when you’re free…’

They don’t need your money, they need you help and advice!

I'd help family if they were struggling but it sounds like they need to rethink priorities first.

They could downsize the cars for starters.

Manners also cost nothing - you could learn a lot from OP's frugality

I’d help family if they were genuinely struggling. But not to fund a relatively “spendy” lifestyle that they could, it seems, make fairly easy adjustments to.

Genius.

Eh?
I know quite a lot of people like this and they’re perfectly happy. Including us (though we do have kids and of course spend a lot of money on them)