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Original poster

BIL wants us to pay for their lifestyle

331 replies

MsPorridge · 13/02/2023 07:18

Sorry for my English: not a native speaker. BIL has asked my partner to give them money every month because they "can't cope" with all the expenses.

My partner went to visit his brother and his family last week. I wasn't there. Brother started asking partner how we are coping with cost of living and partner was just honest and said that energy bills are more expensive, etc. but because our expenses have always been so low, we are ok. Brother kept asking questions and partner did not think of any hidden intentions and answered and gave details about our financial situation (they were not very specific but it was just made clear that we were able to save around 2000 per month, except when there is some unexpected cost that month).

For some background: we have no children, no car, no pets, love cooking our own meals, no expensive hobby and maybe we are just very busy to spend money (we spend our time volunteering for different causes, doing exercise, love going on walks which is free...). This is just how we enjoy our life and the saving part just naturally happens. We also own our flat outright because we bought a small one (we could have afforded a much bigger place but not complaining, it was just what we felt we needed) and payed our mortgage quickly. Now we make around 3000 per month combined, so not really a high-income by any means, but it's fine for our situation. Most months we only spend like 1000 and the rest goes to savings/investments. It does help that I've never been interested in make-up or having lots of nice clothes, none of us drink alcohol, etc.

Going back to the problem: his brother started almost crying to him asking if we could give them around 500 per month during an indefinite amount of time to help with the expenses. My partner is a really soft person who always wants to help everyone. I've had a few arguments with him because of this. So he didn't say a straight no and from what he has told me he made it sound like he would talk with me about it and almost like a yes. Apparently the brother said things like "it wouldn't make any difference to you two, right? It seems you are really very comfortable with your life but we are really struggling at the moment". He also mentioned how my partner had to go back to stay with their mum and stayed rent-free for a year (this was 10 years ago and he still seems bitter and about it) as if somehow this justifies what he's asking.

They have 3 children, live in a much nicer and bigger house than us, have 2 expensive cars, 1 dog, 1 cat and 2 rabbits, I see pictures of them dinning out often or going away for the weekend with the whole family, always seem to have new fancy clothes, always redecorating the house, and children have a few expensive hobbies/after-school activities etc. Which I'm happy for them and don't feel any jealousy about but also don't see this is a desperate situation in which they are asking for money to put a meal on the table or pay the mortgage. They just need to adjust. My partner feels very sad for them and thinks it's not fair for the children not to be able to enjoy their life as usual. I feel very very angry that his brother feels entitled to my partner's money just because he has chosen to live a frugal life.

I am really disappointed with my partner for allowing this to happen. Please help. He has agreed with me that is totally unacceptable to ask but does not want to upset him.

OP posts:
Newnamefornewyear2023 · 13/02/2023 09:40

MissMarplesbag · 13/02/2023 07:41

Your partner should ask to see their monthly budget first to see what their expenses are. If they want his money then they shouldn’t refuse his request, I suspect they won’t send it over.

your partner should identify £500 worth of cost savings from their budget such as switching to cheaper deals, aldi/Lidl groceries, 1 car, meal out monthly & no new clothes etc. Then he should advise them each to get a 1 day job at a shop restaurant for extra income.

Then he should hand back the budget and say they’ve sorted themselves out so they don’t need his money. People like this won’t trim their budget, they just expect others to pick up the bill.

This. Or point him to a financial adviser. For the sake of family relations he could offer a one off £500 if they’re struggling this month

KimberleyClark · 13/02/2023 09:42

Regrettably not unusual ime for people to think childless relatives ought to support them/their children..

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/02/2023 09:45

Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 07:36

It sounds like somebody should upset him. Dh should go back and say I’ve thought about it and if you had our lifestyle you’d have plenty spare. Suggest you cut back rather than expect others who live frugally to subsidise your spending.

This. Offer tips on frugality.

But I'd be furious that your partner shared so much private information.

Foxglove22 · 13/02/2023 09:45

ANBU. You have chosen your lifestyle, your BiL has chosen his. If he's struggling, tell him to go to a financial adviser so that he can arrange his finances better. They could stop dining out, stop buying clothes, stop going away for weekends, get rid of one car, or even downsize. Loads of ways to cut down on spending. It's your money too that your partner would be giving away so if you don't agree to it, he is in no position to provide it.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/02/2023 09:45

KimberleyClark · 13/02/2023 09:42

Regrettably not unusual ime for people to think childless relatives ought to support them/their children..

I know. It's galling.

NoodleC · 13/02/2023 09:46

My suggestion is that your husband says we will give you a one off help of 1k and

billy1966 · 13/02/2023 09:49

100% do NOT give them one penny.

If you do he will be back.

He's a loser that thinks he has a right to your money.

Do not entertain this.

I would look at ending your relationship rather than be on the hook, working to fund his loser brother.

Not a chance.

No suggestion of budgeting or cutting your clothe to live how you can afford to....just to sponge off your weak brother and his wife.

Not a chance would I give them one penny.

NoodleC · 13/02/2023 09:49

Omg i hit enter by mistake, i was trying to say, you give them a one off 1k payment and say the rest of your savings a long term and you cannot access. Then your husband offers to help them with their finances and cutting back. Make it condition of the money. Then it is easier to refuse in future by saying you have not changed your lifestyle etc etc

Herbie0987 · 13/02/2023 09:50

You could offer to look at their finances to see where they can save money!

karamazing · 13/02/2023 09:51

My dad was exactly like your partner and it has been going on forever. Your incomings and outgoings are JOINT so you need to put your foot down. If they were applying for help via the government hardship fund, they would need to provide proof of all their outgoings for a calculation to be done which would clearly identify the fun spending from the essential. That's what you should ask them to give you so that you can see whether they are being dishonest based on actual bills and bank statements. If they were really in a bad situation then why would they mind?

MyComputerLove · 13/02/2023 09:52

One option would be to lend but secure it on their house or other assets at 8% per annum compound. Nationwide's SVR is 7% and Halifax is 6.5% so the extra for a risk-premium is about right.

BIL will do one of two things -

  1. Stop going out to restaurants and pay back the loan hard.
  2. Decline the loan.

I predict 2 because they do not need the loan anyway.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 13/02/2023 09:52

Tell them you're saving up for a bigger house (holiday, new car, anything they have!!!) so can't afford to do that. Doesn't matter if you're not. Just point out that if you give them your money you won't be able to have the better lifestyle you've been saving for.

They will have to sell a car, stop the holidays, eat at home for awhile.

Imogensmumma · 13/02/2023 09:53

MissMarplesbag · 13/02/2023 07:41

Your partner should ask to see their monthly budget first to see what their expenses are. If they want his money then they shouldn’t refuse his request, I suspect they won’t send it over.

your partner should identify £500 worth of cost savings from their budget such as switching to cheaper deals, aldi/Lidl groceries, 1 car, meal out monthly & no new clothes etc. Then he should advise them each to get a 1 day job at a shop restaurant for extra income.

Then he should hand back the budget and say they’ve sorted themselves out so they don’t need his money. People like this won’t trim their budget, they just expect others to pick up the bill.

This is perfect 😍

Prettybutdumb · 13/02/2023 09:53

Since the BIL was so comfortable asking for details of your financial situation, return the favour by asking for a full breakdown of their income and expenses. Say that you will both comb through their outings to suggest where cuts can be made. When they say no act shocked and offended that they’re not willing to receive your help.

BobSacamono · 13/02/2023 09:54

Really struggling with posts suggesting offering them a one off lump sum. Surely that way trouble lies and it won’t be long before they ask for another handout. Say yes once and you’ll be saying yes forever. BIL needs to learn a hard lesson on living within his means.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2023 09:54

Absolutely NO.

Tell them to sell the 'two expensive' cars and buy two cheap second hand ones. Stop dining out and buying fancy news clothes and they'll probably be a lot better off.

Why should they leech off your hard-earned wages?

You DP needs to stand firm on this or you will be paying for them forever. I would be furious with him for not putting his foot down straight away.

They have chosen this lifestyle and if they can't afford it, then they need to change it.

maddy68 · 13/02/2023 09:54

He should sit down and help him budget. The fancy cars are probably leased so they are tied in. If they are out for family meals are they paying or are other family members paying ?
Help him but not financially.
Help him budget and cut expenditures

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2023 09:55

@Prettybutdumb has made a very good suggestion about going through their expenses and suggesting savings instead.

Sceptre86 · 13/02/2023 09:55

He needs to gey a grip and say any savings you have are both yours and his. He doesn't get to make any decisions on your behalf and you won't be subsidising their lifestyle. If it upsets his brother , tough. Your dh needs to grow a backbone.

karamazing · 13/02/2023 09:55

To give some perspective, my dad now pays for several family members whom he has NEVER MET from his pension and even paid for a £5K WEDDING for somebody somewhere (vaguely related) whom he has NEVER MET and he wasn't even invited!!

CohenTree · 13/02/2023 09:57

If he wants to help his brother out using his share of your joint savings then he should be able to.
I think it's conscientious of him to help his brother, who was family before you were. And to want to help the children.
You never know when you might need help...

Oddbobbyboo · 13/02/2023 09:58

Don't do it xx he sounds entitled and I bet his kids are too xx

My kids are so entitled so this cost of living crisis has given me a real opportunity to stop spending and teach them a thing or two about real life... unfortunately we live in a world where our needs and wants run parallel.

Sounds like you are in position to help but it doesn't mean you should.

If it were me I wouldn't. I just look after me and my children x

Lobelia123 · 13/02/2023 09:59

If the emotional fallout is going to rock the boat and make things unpleasant for the whole family, I would firmly but kindly say, ufortunately we are locked into our savings and investment plan as we are saving for a house purchase / retirement / trip to the moon with Jeff Bizos and so we cannot access the bulk of our savings for the next five years. However, we have 500 euros on hand we can LOAN to you, and happy to help with budgeting and economising advice. And tell your husband to shut his gob and stop sharing the intimate details of your finances with these leaches. To me, sharing financial information is on par with sharing details of your sex life. Its intensely personal and private. If you dont put a screaming stop to this right now, these feckers will come to look on your help and support as their right.

BloggersBlog · 13/02/2023 09:59

MissMarplesbag · 13/02/2023 07:41

Your partner should ask to see their monthly budget first to see what their expenses are. If they want his money then they shouldn’t refuse his request, I suspect they won’t send it over.

your partner should identify £500 worth of cost savings from their budget such as switching to cheaper deals, aldi/Lidl groceries, 1 car, meal out monthly & no new clothes etc. Then he should advise them each to get a 1 day job at a shop restaurant for extra income.

Then he should hand back the budget and say they’ve sorted themselves out so they don’t need his money. People like this won’t trim their budget, they just expect others to pick up the bill.

Excellent advice.

Otherwise your hard earned money will just go into the black hole of debt they have created. I find some people balk at the word "budget" - and these are the ones who overspend every month.

FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 09:59

No way should a couple with a high spending lifestyle ask for handouts from a couple who live very modestly. Your husband was foolish to tell your brother about your finances and I hope he doesn’t give in to this cheeky request. You are right, BIL and his wife should adjust their spending. People should live within their means. There is a lot they’re spending on that they could cut down and still have a very good lifestyle.