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AIBU?

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Original poster

BIL wants us to pay for their lifestyle

331 replies

MsPorridge · 13/02/2023 07:18

Sorry for my English: not a native speaker. BIL has asked my partner to give them money every month because they "can't cope" with all the expenses.

My partner went to visit his brother and his family last week. I wasn't there. Brother started asking partner how we are coping with cost of living and partner was just honest and said that energy bills are more expensive, etc. but because our expenses have always been so low, we are ok. Brother kept asking questions and partner did not think of any hidden intentions and answered and gave details about our financial situation (they were not very specific but it was just made clear that we were able to save around 2000 per month, except when there is some unexpected cost that month).

For some background: we have no children, no car, no pets, love cooking our own meals, no expensive hobby and maybe we are just very busy to spend money (we spend our time volunteering for different causes, doing exercise, love going on walks which is free...). This is just how we enjoy our life and the saving part just naturally happens. We also own our flat outright because we bought a small one (we could have afforded a much bigger place but not complaining, it was just what we felt we needed) and payed our mortgage quickly. Now we make around 3000 per month combined, so not really a high-income by any means, but it's fine for our situation. Most months we only spend like 1000 and the rest goes to savings/investments. It does help that I've never been interested in make-up or having lots of nice clothes, none of us drink alcohol, etc.

Going back to the problem: his brother started almost crying to him asking if we could give them around 500 per month during an indefinite amount of time to help with the expenses. My partner is a really soft person who always wants to help everyone. I've had a few arguments with him because of this. So he didn't say a straight no and from what he has told me he made it sound like he would talk with me about it and almost like a yes. Apparently the brother said things like "it wouldn't make any difference to you two, right? It seems you are really very comfortable with your life but we are really struggling at the moment". He also mentioned how my partner had to go back to stay with their mum and stayed rent-free for a year (this was 10 years ago and he still seems bitter and about it) as if somehow this justifies what he's asking.

They have 3 children, live in a much nicer and bigger house than us, have 2 expensive cars, 1 dog, 1 cat and 2 rabbits, I see pictures of them dinning out often or going away for the weekend with the whole family, always seem to have new fancy clothes, always redecorating the house, and children have a few expensive hobbies/after-school activities etc. Which I'm happy for them and don't feel any jealousy about but also don't see this is a desperate situation in which they are asking for money to put a meal on the table or pay the mortgage. They just need to adjust. My partner feels very sad for them and thinks it's not fair for the children not to be able to enjoy their life as usual. I feel very very angry that his brother feels entitled to my partner's money just because he has chosen to live a frugal life.

I am really disappointed with my partner for allowing this to happen. Please help. He has agreed with me that is totally unacceptable to ask but does not want to upset him.

OP posts:
bananaAgogo · 13/02/2023 08:31

@MsPorridge
Can you tell us what currency this is? We are looking at £s but you could be talking about Dirhams or Euros. It would make a difference

Minteraye · 13/02/2023 08:31

Unreal, tell them to piss off

Notwellatall · 13/02/2023 08:31

I reread the post to see if there was any mention of paying it back at a later date, but unless OP has left it out there wasn't, was there? As a PP said, a one off for an emergency would be kind (but not obligatory), but this - it's a great big NO!

DrManhattan · 13/02/2023 08:32

Not a chance I would give them any money.

PortiasBiscuit · 13/02/2023 08:32

To be fair, it sounds like your BIL is keeping the bloodline going. I think you and your DH should support that.

PortiasBiscuit · 13/02/2023 08:33

Yes, I am joking!

Soakitup37 · 13/02/2023 08:33

Then they need to re budget, get rid of a car or downsize the house etc, if the money was borrowed for a one off issue like a boiler repair or a big bill with an intent on repaying then I would help out.

this is just cheeky. Partner needs to say as much too, it’s not nice to see family struggle but you are not financially responsible for them and they need to accept that.

it’s not a case of well you have it so give us some, you’ve steered your lifestyle in a way that’s allowed for savings.

get your partner to be firm about this, you are going to end up falling out.

strawberry2017 · 13/02/2023 08:33

So rude. It's one thing to be living a frugal life, struggling for money and asking for a loan but to be living a lovely life and just expect to be given money monthly to be frivolous with is disgusting.
You are saving for your future not theirs. Tell him no. He put your DH in a really awkward position and it looks like you are going to have to be the tough one in this situation who says no.
Good luck OP

Zanatdy · 13/02/2023 08:34

I’d help family if they’d helped themselves. They haven’t, they are expecting you both to sub their lifestyle which isn’t on. We all need to tighten our belts now. They’ve made decisions, 3 kids, lots of pets and expensive cars which they are now expecting someone else to pay for. I’d maybe give a one off sum to help, £1000 max. Or provide some help in terms of adjusting their expenses. You’re not unreasonable no. They are cheeky to ask when they’ve made no attempt to reduce their outgoings. It’s not for their uncle to feel sorry for them when their own parents could make a few sacrifices so they can continue to enjoy some luxuries

Minteraye · 13/02/2023 08:36

MissMarplesbag · 13/02/2023 07:41

Your partner should ask to see their monthly budget first to see what their expenses are. If they want his money then they shouldn’t refuse his request, I suspect they won’t send it over.

your partner should identify £500 worth of cost savings from their budget such as switching to cheaper deals, aldi/Lidl groceries, 1 car, meal out monthly & no new clothes etc. Then he should advise them each to get a 1 day job at a shop restaurant for extra income.

Then he should hand back the budget and say they’ve sorted themselves out so they don’t need his money. People like this won’t trim their budget, they just expect others to pick up the bill.

Yes, GREAT idea. Of course they won’t want to submit themselves to scrutiny and of course they won’t be interested in your advice on budgeting.

He’ll see this as beneath his dignity.

On the off chance he does let you, you’ll certainly be able to find £500 worth of savings given their lifestyles.

AltheaVestr1t · 13/02/2023 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow, how judgemental is this? It takes all sorts. People don't need to drink, smoke or take drugs to be happy and if that is genuinely what you think, I feel sorry for you.

Rewis · 13/02/2023 08:40

Is all your money joint? If not, maybe your partnet can send his spending money or money from his personal savings. But if it will also be your money then definitely ask for their monthly budget and offer to help them to save up.

Also, if you decide to go with helping with monthly payments. Id sugegst givign a lump sum. Giving monthly will never stop. Thye will use the lump sum to something non essential but then it is a lot eaaier to say no. And you can alway refer how it was determined by the budget.

And if they are bitter about your partner living with parents 10 years ago maybe they should ask for the same privilege. Kidding. Kinda.

Minteraye · 13/02/2023 08:41

AltheaVestr1t · 13/02/2023 08:37

Wow, how judgemental is this? It takes all sorts. People don't need to drink, smoke or take drugs to be happy and if that is genuinely what you think, I feel sorry for you.

Show quote history

It says they enjoy cooking nice meals and both are involved in loads of volunteering. This sounds way fuller than drinking smoking and eating out, which by comparison sounds a bit hollow.

Fraaahnces · 13/02/2023 08:42

BIL needs to be sat down and shown his own photos and where that £500 can be found. Don’t bother showing him what you do instead. He won’t be interested. It’s not your problem or BIL’s if he can’t cook. There’s Google. He won’t starve if he eats beans on toast. They could be told to sell their cars for smaller, cheaper options - or even one, and consolidate credit cards. I would lose my shit if they brought up the fact that your partner lived with Mum for a while. That would hardly have been a party. You have made good decisions and sacrifices to be in the position you are in. You have chosen to continue to save for your own future. If you stop now, then your future plans will be seriously affected. Their past and present choices are not going to become your future problems. They need to change their lifestyle and accept that financial bandaids are not the solution.

JenniferBarkley · 13/02/2023 08:42

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/02/2023 07:34

Can you tell him that you are saving so that one day you can afford a lifestyle like his? Leave him to infer what he wants to from that.

Absolutely this. It's not even facetious - you may have plenty of disposable but it's not like you're high earners with that combined income and if you were to have DC things would be tight. Phrase it like that.

Shoxfordian · 13/02/2023 08:43

Your partner needs to grow a backbone and say no to his brother; without making you the bad guy as well.

JustAnotherMoan · 13/02/2023 08:43

Very roughly speaking, based on your figures, explain to your DP that every week at work, he will be working Monday and Tuesday just for his brother - he won't start earning his "own" money until Wednesday. Then in reality, Wednesdays pay will account for the tax he pays, so he will only be earning for himself on Thursdays and Fridays.

Reinventinganna · 13/02/2023 08:43

They don’t need your money. They want your money.

DonnaBanana · 13/02/2023 08:44

Everyone has a different take on things like this and that’s okay. You need to decide for yourself. For some people family comes above money, but for some vice versa

Sunsetintheeast · 13/02/2023 08:45

Tell them you’re thinking of moving and getting 2 new cars. No money left.

picklemewalnuts · 13/02/2023 08:47

Your partner could -and should- offer them help with budgeting, so they too can afford to save.

That's the kind thing to do.

EyesOnThePies · 13/02/2023 08:47

OP, how does your DP feel about being asked for cash by someone who frequently eats out, goes away for weekends, drives expensive cars etc in contrast to those causes you volunteer for? Maybe suggest that BIL’s wants are a long way from needs.

You are not ‘well off’, you are frugal, and being asked to subsidise someone better off and profligate.

In your retirement you might want money to travel etc. or to retire early to devote more time to community activities and volunteering for those who can’t afford ‘wants’ as the needs are not met.

I do agree though that your DH has a right to spend his share of income as he wishes once your shared costs are met. But if he gives it to your BIL I agree with those posters who say keep a similar amount in a sole account, just for you.

butterfliedtwo · 13/02/2023 08:48

billy1966 · 13/02/2023 08:01

Absolutely not.

This would be a reason to split up with your partner.

If he wants to pay for their lifestyle it is better you split now.

Your partner sounds weak and foolish.

Be very careful of staying with a weak and foolish man who would consider something so ridiculous.

His brother thinks your partner is a mug too.

I would refuse to discuss this in any shape or form.

Perhaps look at splitting those savings and putting half intobyour own account.

Foolish men are not to be trusted.

It is not your job to support their lifestyle and your partner has a huge cheek asking you for money for his brother every month.

You should be very annoyed at even being asked.

All of this.

Just absolutely no way.

familyissues12345 · 13/02/2023 08:48

Wow the cheeky beggar! No chance he was joking? I just can't imagine having the nerve to ask that..

Sugarfree23 · 13/02/2023 08:56

bananaAgogo · 13/02/2023 08:31

@MsPorridge
Can you tell us what currency this is? We are looking at £s but you could be talking about Dirhams or Euros. It would make a difference

The currency does not matter its still 25% of the Ops disposable income, for ever more. No just don't go there.

Ops circumstances could change, children would make a huge difference to their disposable income. Maternily leave, requiring a bigger house, a car, childcare.

Even illness or redundancy would make a huge difference and its guaranteed they wouldn't ever see the 500 × 12, 6000 per back.