BIL wants us to pay for their lifestyle

[MsPorridge]

Sorry for my English: not a native speaker. BIL has asked my partner to give them money every month because they "can't cope" with all the expenses.

My partner went to visit his brother and his family last week. I wasn't there. Brother started asking partner how we are coping with cost of living and partner was just honest and said that energy bills are more expensive, etc. but because our expenses have always been so low, we are ok. Brother kept asking questions and partner did not think of any hidden intentions and answered and gave details about our financial situation (they were not very specific but it was just made clear that we were able to save around 2000 per month, except when there is some unexpected cost that month).

For some background: we have no children, no car, no pets, love cooking our own meals, no expensive hobby and maybe we are just very busy to spend money (we spend our time volunteering for different causes, doing exercise, love going on walks which is free...). This is just how we enjoy our life and the saving part just naturally happens. We also own our flat outright because we bought a small one (we could have afforded a much bigger place but not complaining, it was just what we felt we needed) and payed our mortgage quickly. Now we make around 3000 per month combined, so not really a high-income by any means, but it's fine for our situation. Most months we only spend like 1000 and the rest goes to savings/investments. It does help that I've never been interested in make-up or having lots of nice clothes, none of us drink alcohol, etc.

Going back to the problem: his brother started almost crying to him asking if we could give them around 500 per month during an indefinite amount of time to help with the expenses. My partner is a really soft person who always wants to help everyone. I've had a few arguments with him because of this. So he didn't say a straight no and from what he has told me he made it sound like he would talk with me about it and almost like a yes. Apparently the brother said things like "it wouldn't make any difference to you two, right? It seems you are really very comfortable with your life but we are really struggling at the moment". He also mentioned how my partner had to go back to stay with their mum and stayed rent-free for a year (this was 10 years ago and he still seems bitter and about it) as if somehow this justifies what he's asking.

They have 3 children, live in a much nicer and bigger house than us, have 2 expensive cars, 1 dog, 1 cat and 2 rabbits, I see pictures of them dinning out often or going away for the weekend with the whole family, always seem to have new fancy clothes, always redecorating the house, and children have a few expensive hobbies/after-school activities etc. Which I'm happy for them and don't feel any jealousy about but also don't see this is a desperate situation in which they are asking for money to put a meal on the table or pay the mortgage. They just need to adjust. My partner feels very sad for them and thinks it's not fair for the children not to be able to enjoy their life as usual. I feel very very angry that his brother feels entitled to my partner's money just because he has chosen to live a frugal life.

I am really disappointed with my partner for allowing this to happen. Please help. He has agreed with me that is totally unacceptable to ask but does not want to upset him.

@WinterDeWinter You have an amazing way with words. That's a very good message

Totally this.

You can't afford to subsidise them long term as you have your own plans (and even if you could, why should you? What happens if one of you is ill/ made redundant etc?)

A "gift" of cash is only providing a temporary fix.

Decent budget advice pays dividends forever.

Those suggesting help with budgets.
Do you honestly think the BIL wouldn't manage the figures, lower income, increase outgoings to make their situation look worse than it actually is?

Oh you can see we are really stuck, can you give us money?

Treat the BIL like an adult and tell him to sort his own budget and cut some holidays out if necessary.

To be clear, the problem you are asking about is your partner's decision or is it your brother's entitled attitude?

He is your brother, so you should be the one to shut this down immediately. Your partner is apparently incapable of such action. I would personally take it a step further and introduce bro to financial management course. Bro needs help, but money won't solve it.

Good luck.

@TheRAW it's the OP's partner's brother so her brother in law. Says that quite clearly in the first post.

The problem I have here is that people are saying that its not unusual for family to help family, or that family has helped them at one point of time. That maybe true, but its not ususal practice for a family memeber that is not rich to support a grown man and his family so they can keep up their appreances. From reading the post, its clear that the brother is living well over his means. Instead of cutting back on their wants to make sure they have their needs, he's trying to guilt the brother into giving him money every month for an unspecified amount of time. He's not asking for 500 just one time. Then he threw up his brother moving back with his parents 10 years ago. What does that have to do with him? His brother needs to cut back on expenses. Op's husbands needs to say no. They were smart and made good decisions so they wouldn't be in that position. His brother needs to get a financial advisor, or cut back to make up the 500 he is asking for. The kids are not their peoblem. They don't have any, its not their responsibility. I use to be just like OP's husband, then I realized I had to stop. My family was expecting me to bail them out. Now I say no everytime. She is not wrong. I understand her husband feels bad for the kids, but alot of that stuff they are doing are not needs. They need to cut back on the wants for a while until they get their finances under control instead of trying to keep of with Jones. Just because OP abd her husband has the money to give doesnt eman they should and they shouldn't. I cant believe Op's BIL and OP's husband running his mouth about their finances. Im just guessign here. OP's BIL knows his borther well, I feel like he was setting him up to reveal that information so he can guilt him into giving the money. Op stand your ground tell youe husband not to give his brother the money. Just be prepared for the family to come after you pressuring you to give them money.