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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU, me or DH and friend?

194 replies

luckystarg · 13/02/2023 05:19

We are abroad in a first world country but that does have unsafe implications for women, alike any country really.

We are away with another couple. The friend, Kate, became sick out of the blue and said to her boyfriend John. John didn’t want to stop watching the football so basically demanded I go with Kate (Kate and I are friends). I follow along and she says she wants to go to the hotel. She tells me she doesn’t want me with her as she will just sit on the toilet. She gets in cab at main entrance and I go back to find the boys. Both are gone.

I am highly anxious and lose my temper. I eventually get hold of John and shout about where they (DH and John) are. He says they’re beginning the walk back so they are no longer near where I am. He hangs up because I am angry.

I get in a taxi, go back to hotel. DH walks in as if I’m in the wrong. John says I’m being a prick. Kate is still throwing up.

it all seems like a massive miscommunication but I am besides myself. I specifically said to DH that I don’t want to ever be alone as I don’t feel safe. From my perspective, John prioritised the football game over his own girlfriend, then expected everything to be fine. Obviously I overreacted (major trigger for me) about being alone with men harassing me (they had when I was with the men and so I felt unsafe when they were gone).

I am so angry at the situation because no one text saying “we are leaving the bar and will find you at the hotel” instead I was clueless calling everyone to no avail. Eventually I did get a taxi, luckily found a card that would work (DH had the cards for our travel) and got back safe. However I’ve had a text from John saying I’m in the wrong and just drunk. I’m aware he’s messaged DH saying I’m a prick.

In my opinion, John couldn’t be bothered by his own girlfriend being sick and cared more about the game forcing me to run after her, rather than checking I was safe.

There is now a huge fall out and a week left of the holiday. DH is also not talking to me.

OP posts:
Hydie · 13/02/2023 05:24

Sorry but you were being a prick! Losing your temper because you put yourself in a position where you were on your own. They didn't have to text every step of the way to tell you where they were. You just immediately got angry, I'd have been fucked off with you too.

Hydie · 13/02/2023 05:25

Ps, no one can force you to go anywhere!

rwalker · 13/02/2023 05:26

You’d separated as a group don’t understand why it’s an issue they moved on . If I were them I’d presume u were with friend

your friend and her DH staying to watch football is between them

you said yourself you over reacted

Ortegaa · 13/02/2023 05:26

Yes its you in the wrong, not surprised they are pissed off with you

NumberTheory · 13/02/2023 05:29

John sounds like a prick to his girlfriend but I don’t think that’s really the issue with you coming back to find them gone. They had no reason to think you weren’t with Kate at that point. You’re angry they didn’t tell you they were leaving, but you were just as guilty of doing something you hadn’t told others about. If you are so concerned about not being on your own, you really should have texted or called before you left Kate to return to the bar to let them know your plans had changed.

If your rant to John had been about him using you as a chaperone for his girlfriend because he’s a selfish prick, you would have had more standing. But having a go at him for not waiting for you when he didn’t know you were going to be returning was not at all reasonable.

I do have to wonder why you have gone to a location where you feel so unsafe on your own. What sort of a holiday is that?

Bellalalala · 13/02/2023 05:31

John didn’t force you to do anything. Kate didn’t force you to leave her.

Your dh had no clue you were on your own.

Some people will think John was wrong for not going with his girlfriend. Or Kate was wrong for saying she didn’t want to go with her once you had left your dh and John.

But you chose to go with Kate then chose not to. I am failing to see how anyone could think this is your dhs fault. He thought you had gone with Kate and then left where they were. How was he supposed to know you had left Kate? How was he suppose to know you were on your own searching for him?

I think you have been quite awful to your husband. Maybe because you have been drinking. But non of it is your dhs fault.

pictoosh · 13/02/2023 05:31

Storm in a teacup I think. You overreacted, they have gone on the defense.
Apologies all round. Put it to bed. Enjoy your holiday.

pictoosh · 13/02/2023 05:35

They thought you had left and gone back to the hotel and didn't know you'd be coming back...why on earth would they let you know they were leaving? Why did you lose your temper at that point? They're not mind readers.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 13/02/2023 05:39

John is a prick - to his girlfriend, but that's their business. I think you probably reacted out of fear to them not being there (and annoyance with John that he prioritised the football over looking after his gf) when you returned and it escalated from there. I would have probably done the same, but probably asp realised quite quickly when I was back with them and feeling safe that in actual fact they hadn't done anything wrong as they believed you were back at the hotel.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 13/02/2023 05:40

Sorry for the huge amount of mistakes in the above post - I blame lack of sleep!

DrMarciaFieldstone · 13/02/2023 05:46

Sounds like a massive overreaction, why would they tell you they’d left when you had already gone?

Were you all drunk at this point?

If you’re really this anxious, you shouldn’t have left. He didn’t make you, no one can.

rothbury · 13/02/2023 05:52

Sounds like a horrible drunken row.

Where are you?

LadyMargaretDevereux · 13/02/2023 05:57

They disappeared pretty quickly from the bar once you and Kate left, didn't they? You only went to the entrance, saw Kate into the taxi then went back in. How long did that take? Was the match about to finish when you left? Just seems a bit odd to me.

Shoxfordian · 13/02/2023 05:58

Yeah sounds like you overreacted and didn’t communicate with them; why didn’t you just say ok I’ll come back after I drop Kate off at the hotel so wait for me here if that was what you wanted to do? All seems a fuss over nothing really - and if you’re this anxious about being alone in a city then you need to get some professional help

Lolabear38 · 13/02/2023 05:58

Sorry OP, but I think YABU. John and your dh thought you were back at the hotel with Kate so they didn’t tell you they were leaving - why would they? Next thing they know John is getting a very angry phone call from you because you were back at the original place when they had no idea! I can see why they’re angry too. I am sorry you were worried being our alone though. It’s not nice being called a prick either. I hope you all make up in the morning x

whiteroseredrose · 13/02/2023 06:00

YANBU. John should have taken his girlfriend Kate back to the hotel himself.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 13/02/2023 06:01

You are NOT in the wrong. Why didn't Kate say in front of you and John that she wanted to be alone, thus saving you having to go there, then leave, then try and find the men? She could have told John she wanted to be alone so you could have stayed with the men. Instead she had you traipsing around after her and sent you away.

If I were you, I'd be angry too. I don't know what the f is wrong with those replying to you, but you did absolutely NOTHING wrong! You tried to do a good deed for your friend Kate, she sent you away. You were then all alone. I would be fucking FURIOUS if I were you, you have every right to be angry at both John and Kate for messing you around like that. Your DH is being a real arsehole and prick, too.

autienotnaughty · 13/02/2023 06:10

John sound like a dick he should have gone back with girlfriend and not assumed you would particularly if it's a country where you may not feel safe such as Turkey. Was the arrangement that you stay with her or meet them? It sounds like a miscommunication and they assumed you were staying at hotel. I'd be annoyed at way John spoke to your dh did your dh defend you? He sound like a bully and whilst you should apologise for shouting and explain you didn't feel safe. I probably wouldn't be going out of my way to spend time with him going forward.

UdoU · 13/02/2023 06:18

Yanbu. John the dickhead should have accompanied his own gf home.

And how come they were watching the game but as soon as you and Kate left, they decided to go to the bar?

Text John back that HE is the prick and tell DH to fuck off.

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 06:19

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 13/02/2023 06:01

You are NOT in the wrong. Why didn't Kate say in front of you and John that she wanted to be alone, thus saving you having to go there, then leave, then try and find the men? She could have told John she wanted to be alone so you could have stayed with the men. Instead she had you traipsing around after her and sent you away.

If I were you, I'd be angry too. I don't know what the f is wrong with those replying to you, but you did absolutely NOTHING wrong! You tried to do a good deed for your friend Kate, she sent you away. You were then all alone. I would be fucking FURIOUS if I were you, you have every right to be angry at both John and Kate for messing you around like that. Your DH is being a real arsehole and prick, too.

What? Kate did nothing wrong. She may have wanted assistance back to the hotel as she was unwell. Doesn't mean she wanted OP to listen to her vom/shit all evening 😂

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 13/02/2023 06:21

Kate went by herself to the taxi and got the taxi home. She didn't need the OP and should have told John and the OP at the outset that she wanted to be alone. She made the OP look like a fool. She should have been honest at the start.

Ortegaa · 13/02/2023 06:22

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 13/02/2023 06:01

You are NOT in the wrong. Why didn't Kate say in front of you and John that she wanted to be alone, thus saving you having to go there, then leave, then try and find the men? She could have told John she wanted to be alone so you could have stayed with the men. Instead she had you traipsing around after her and sent you away.

If I were you, I'd be angry too. I don't know what the f is wrong with those replying to you, but you did absolutely NOTHING wrong! You tried to do a good deed for your friend Kate, she sent you away. You were then all alone. I would be fucking FURIOUS if I were you, you have every right to be angry at both John and Kate for messing you around like that. Your DH is being a real arsehole and prick, too.

You don't know what the fuck is wrong with people replying.....

So it's fine to phone her husband kicking off and shouting at him when he's done nothing wrong? Would that also be fine if her DH rang her screaming down the phone in the same situation. Or would you be saying he's a prick and red flag behaviour?

Ladybug14 · 13/02/2023 06:25

If its as dangerous as you say, why did you leave Kate alone, despite what she said?

You're weird to get so angry over nothing, imo

BlueHeelers · 13/02/2023 06:28

John and your DH were the pricks. John should have looked after his girlfriend.

And both your DH and John are sexist bastards for not taking your legitimate concerns about the harassment you’ve encountered seriously. Some men just don’t get it. They are the pricks.

UdoU · 13/02/2023 06:28

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 06:19

What? Kate did nothing wrong. She may have wanted assistance back to the hotel as she was unwell. Doesn't mean she wanted OP to listen to her vom/shit all evening 😂

Show quote history

She didn’t even want assistance to get to get to the hotel.

John and OP’s DH appeared to want to get drunk alone and are now blaming OP because she called John out for being a sexist prick.