Who is BU, me or DH and friend?

[luckystarg]

We are abroad in a first world country but that does have unsafe implications for women, alike any country really.

We are away with another couple. The friend, Kate, became sick out of the blue and said to her boyfriend John. John didn’t want to stop watching the football so basically demanded I go with Kate (Kate and I are friends). I follow along and she says she wants to go to the hotel. She tells me she doesn’t want me with her as she will just sit on the toilet. She gets in cab at main entrance and I go back to find the boys. Both are gone.

I am highly anxious and lose my temper. I eventually get hold of John and shout about where they (DH and John) are. He says they’re beginning the walk back so they are no longer near where I am. He hangs up because I am angry.

I get in a taxi, go back to hotel. DH walks in as if I’m in the wrong. John says I’m being a prick. Kate is still throwing up.

it all seems like a massive miscommunication but I am besides myself. I specifically said to DH that I don’t want to ever be alone as I don’t feel safe. From my perspective, John prioritised the football game over his own girlfriend, then expected everything to be fine. Obviously I overreacted (major trigger for me) about being alone with men harassing me (they had when I was with the men and so I felt unsafe when they were gone).

I am so angry at the situation because no one text saying “we are leaving the bar and will find you at the hotel” instead I was clueless calling everyone to no avail. Eventually I did get a taxi, luckily found a card that would work (DH had the cards for our travel) and got back safe. However I’ve had a text from John saying I’m in the wrong and just drunk. I’m aware he’s messaged DH saying I’m a prick.

In my opinion, John couldn’t be bothered by his own girlfriend being sick and cared more about the game forcing me to run after her, rather than checking I was safe.

There is now a huge fall out and a week left of the holiday. DH is also not talking to me.

Your longer explanation doesn’t make you sound any better. No need to have a swearing rant down the phone. All you had to say was “where are you? I will come and meet you as Kate wanted to be on her own”. Massive drama over nothing imo

So it's dangerous to be drunk girls at night and being drunk is making you feel vulnerable, call me odd but would not being drunk make it better?

I agree with PP. The amount of booze you all consumed has contributed massively to this non event becoming a big issue.

Getting drunk when you already feel vulnerable is not a great idea.

None of this would have happened if John had just looked after his own girlfriend instead of insisting on watching a bloody football match. Your husband must know you're anxious and I'm surprised he didn't push hus friend to look after Kate, too.

Lack of communication on both sides just exacerbated the situation. I hope you can all realise no-one is entirely to blame here.

In my opinion, going on holiday with friends can often be a recipe for disaster. Maybe next time, make it just you and your husband. And somewhere safe.

Sounds like DH and John should go on holiday together in future.

Why is everyone assuming John is an arsehole for not automatically going back to the hotel with his girlfriend? If she felt like she had a dodgy tummy she might not have wanted him sitting outside the bathroom in their hotel room. I know I’d have wanted a bit of privacy in her situation and would have been happy for my partner to carry on watching the football.

I’d love to know what ‘basically demanded’ really meant when it comes to the decision for OP to go back to the hotel with Kate. Kate sounds like she was perfectly willing and capable of getting herself back to the hotel and OP was just freaking out about a poor defenceless woman having to do something all by herself.

OP, you are behaving as if your anxiety is THE only possible right way of doing things, and you are wrong.

@MelchiorsMistress because in OP's posts she says Kate "only wanted John." And he ignored his sick gf to watch a football match. Sounds pretty arsehole-y to me.

@MelchiorsMistress OP said Kate wanted John with her, not OP.

The bit where she said Kate only wanted John is one tiny bit when Op has been pushed to give a full explanation. She also said other things that indicate that Kate was ok with leaving a little earlier on her own and it was OP that turned this into a huge drama.

Either way, she has overreacted and I can understand why the others are pissed off with her.

She eventually said that yes, but not until six pages and many hours in. In any case, that is a matter between John and Kate, it is no justification for OP to behave the way she has.

In any case, that is a matter between John and Kate, it is no justification for OP to behave the way she has

This.

This thread wasn’t started by Kate or on Kate’s behalf. It was started by OP about her situation, where she lost it and started shouting and swearing. They are two different situations.

So the amount of time you were alone and didn't know where the men were was 5-10 minutes, and John called you back fairly promptly and told you where they were? That is entirely par for the course when you drunkenly get separated from friends, it's happened to me more times than I can count. Annoying yes, sometimes a little worrying, but it is absurd to be flipping out on people over it.

This was all down to bad communication (or lack of it) of the sort that can easily happen when everyone's drunk. The game had two minutes left to go so it would have made sense to assume that the men would be heading off after it (they obviously assumed you'd stay with Kate). If you were accompanying a sick woman it would have made sense to have a guaranteed means of paying for things on you. If this place is so dangerous for drunk women it would have made sense not to get so drunk (though Kate seemed to be fine to get back to the hotel alone even when sick).

I don't think any of that is unreasonable though. You were drunk, shit happens. What is unreasonable is flipping out and abusing people over it all.

(John does sound like a dick though, agree with you there)

If you feel this anxious and vulnerable, don’t get smashed.

Sounds horrendous all round, tbh.

Still don’t understand why you keep saying they ‘left you’, when they thought you’d gone with Kate.

That is so obviously untrue it's laughable.

OP, I know you don't want to say, but for me the answer to whether ywbu would depend very much on where you were.

If it was a country where I have lived and been viciously attacked numerous times, I would be livid with both your DH and John. But you say this was a country "with unsafe implications for women, like any other country" and so I find it hard to square this - the idea that where you were was no more unsafe than, for example, the UK - with the hassle you were getting from, presumably, men in the streets and in the bar.

So I don't know where I stand on your aibu, sorry.

OP how have things been between you and your husband this morning? Have John or Kate said anything? Personally I think they all owe you an apology. Kate was sick and wasn't clear with you from the start what she wanted (though mitigating circumstances on her behalf is that she was sick and perhaps not thinking clearly), John couldn't have cared less, and your husband was a drunken follower. You got caught up in it all and were treated as a gopher and didn't know if you were coming or going, and now are blamed for it when if John just had left with Kate there wouldn't have been all this drama. Personally I find going on holidays with friends unless it's just for a long weekend, to be very risky and usually sees friendships break up. I certainly wouldn't holiday with John again, what a pig he is.

Also, minimising your DH’s role as a ‘drunken follower’ is weird; he’s the one with responsibility to you (if any), not John.

John saying to OP "go after Kate" definitely doesn't appear as forcing....

You were being very unreasonable. You feel so unsafe being alone, yet you were happy for your sick friend to leave in a cab by herself?

@Appleblum Her friend did not want her to go back with her!

If I was in an unsafe place and my unwell, drunk friend was telling me she was OK to get back to the hotel by herself, I would absolutely insist otherwise. I would also be making absolutely sure I had some means of payment on me. And I'd have made sure to check with the people I was leaving that they were either staying where they were, or to let me know if they moved.

So you were sent to check on your friend, drink in hand, and before you had chance to get back they had buggered off. I'd be pretty pissed off too and I don't think either bloke is up to much by the sounds of it, selfish arseholes.

Her friend wasn't drunk, she had food poisoning. Maybe she could have insisted but if a friend wants to be alone you respect that. As it was the OP was drunk so obviously thinking was impaired. She should have had some means of payment on her, but I guess since her and her husband had an agreement that she wouldn't be alone, she probably didn't think anything of it, as she was always with her husband who had the payment. But yeah that was silly because something could happen to the husband, they could get lost in a crowd, etc.

Yeah, they pissed off very quickly didn't they. Like they couldn't wait to get somewhere, and losing the women was their chance. I bet they couldn't believe their luck. Like a pp above, I suspect they were going to a strip club and OP ruined their plans. And that's why they're so angry with her.

If John had acted like a proper partner to his girlfriend, and gone with her when she needed to leave, then none of this would have happened. He is blaming you because its easier than admitting he is a selfish dickhead, and your husband is angry at you because you called him out on it