Who is BU, me or DH and friend?

[luckystarg]

We are abroad in a first world country but that does have unsafe implications for women, alike any country really.

We are away with another couple. The friend, Kate, became sick out of the blue and said to her boyfriend John. John didn’t want to stop watching the football so basically demanded I go with Kate (Kate and I are friends). I follow along and she says she wants to go to the hotel. She tells me she doesn’t want me with her as she will just sit on the toilet. She gets in cab at main entrance and I go back to find the boys. Both are gone.

I am highly anxious and lose my temper. I eventually get hold of John and shout about where they (DH and John) are. He says they’re beginning the walk back so they are no longer near where I am. He hangs up because I am angry.

I get in a taxi, go back to hotel. DH walks in as if I’m in the wrong. John says I’m being a prick. Kate is still throwing up.

it all seems like a massive miscommunication but I am besides myself. I specifically said to DH that I don’t want to ever be alone as I don’t feel safe. From my perspective, John prioritised the football game over his own girlfriend, then expected everything to be fine. Obviously I overreacted (major trigger for me) about being alone with men harassing me (they had when I was with the men and so I felt unsafe when they were gone).

I am so angry at the situation because no one text saying “we are leaving the bar and will find you at the hotel” instead I was clueless calling everyone to no avail. Eventually I did get a taxi, luckily found a card that would work (DH had the cards for our travel) and got back safe. However I’ve had a text from John saying I’m in the wrong and just drunk. I’m aware he’s messaged DH saying I’m a prick.

In my opinion, John couldn’t be bothered by his own girlfriend being sick and cared more about the game forcing me to run after her, rather than checking I was safe.

There is now a huge fall out and a week left of the holiday. DH is also not talking to me.

This in a nutshell. It sounds as if both men prioritised themselves. A decent partner would have ensured his vomiting wife / gf made it safely back to the room. Why the hell did he expect you to do it? What if she’d passed out? It sounds as if you people pleased.

Well this thread has devolved into an absolute mess of childish bickering very quickly. Evidence, I think, that sometimes it doesn't take much to trigger a pointless row. Tempers lost, name calling, insults being flung, all over someone else's holiday mishap. Somewhat ironic.

I think in all honesty this sounds like a drunken balls up, no one comes out of it particularly glowing (except maybe Kate whose only crime seems to be not being sure if she wants someone with her or not when sick and likely drunk, forgivable imo).

Sleep it off, talk it out over breakfast. OP you really did overreact but I understand why, it's very "deer in the headlights" to suddenly find yourself alone in a strange place especially if you're already anxious. Try and just explain that to them so they understand why you lost your cool - but do apologise for losing your temper, scared or no it was out of order. Hopefully John will apologise for not being a very good boyfriend to poor Kate, and you'll all be friends again by lunch.

Sorry but you sound like a complete drama queen. Wherever you are in the world it is very unlikely that you really need a man to be holding your hand the entire time and your OTT fears don’t get to dictate other peoples perfectly norma behaviour. If you can’t cope with being in a different country without being looked after like a small child then don’t go to them.

Sounds like John is a bossy prick who expects women, including you, to do as they're told.

It's funny how he didn't want to leave because of the game but in the time it took you to put Kate into a cab and return to the bar, they were both gone.

I suspect Kate didn't say anything at the time to her dickhead as she knows how he is and it was just easier to do as he said until you were both out of his sight.

So everything was put onto you but you're the one getting blamed for being upset at the 2 men's selfishness.

John was likely shocked at being told off by you,a mere woman, so he had to bad mouth you to your DH.

Absolute sense!!

John was a dick for not looking after his girlfriend and for calling you names.

I don’t know why to agreed to go instead of him.

I would expect my husband to tell John to pull his head in. Something along the lines of “are you really texting me insults about my wife? Enough already. You can apologise to her in the morning”.

Perhaps ask your husband why he isn’t defending you.

I’d go home rather than spend any more time with these people if no one is willing to apologise. Or at least go stay in another hotel and treat yourself to some day spa action.

They thought you were both together. You should have stayed with Kate, you put yourself in a situ where you were alone.
Kate's partner is an arse and Kate needs to think carefully about a man that thinks sport is more important than their poorly GF.
So both you and Kates partner are BU.
Your DH is just pissed he's caught in the Middle of it!

John is obviously a prick, but you didn't handle this well. No one can make you leave. It wasn't their fault that they'd left when you came back. Apologies all around and enjoy your holiday.

Honestly, it all just sounds like you were all drunk and everything got out of hand.

Accept your part in it and apologise - either over breakfast or via whatsapp. “Hi everyone, I’m sorry for shouting last night. I was feeling scared and vulnerable, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

Hopefully, they’ll then take responsibility for their roles. Either way, I hope you can all move on and enjoy the rest of the holiday.

(In future though, don’t leave yourself vulnerable like that. It’s your responsibility to have cars/money/keys etc.)

It's probably best to just not give tourism money to a country that's unsafe for women.

You sound like my sister - a needy drama queen. I love my sister, but she is tiresome and will never admit she is wrong - I am sure you won't either.

Definitely you primarily in the wrong. Maybe John should have gone back with his girlfriend but he decided to watch the game and clearly you agreed to accompany Kate. I don’t understand why you left her and came back, of course she wants to sit on the toilet all night in privacy, your job was to accompany her back to the hotel. And after you had done that, I would presume you would stay in the hotel in your own room.

Where is this first world country where two women are particularly unsafe at night? If it is that unsafe, and actually I expect you are overreacting, then why did you not stay with Kate? Your husband is angry with you because of the embarrassing way you have behaved.

Aren't we past women needing to be looked after by men? Women are capable competent beings. I have lived in a few countries, spent over two years traveling the world alone. This idea that woman need a man to chaperone and that they can't be alone needs to be done away with. It isn't a man's job to look after his wife or girlfriend as though she is a dependent child or a pet.

OP, you could have made many decisions to look after yourself. Be a responsible, competent adult.

Nahh you’re not being unreasonable. Perhaps you shouldn’t have lost your temper but I can understand why given that you were left because John couldn’t be arsed to look after his drunk girlfriend.

Try to enjoy the rest of your holiday. If DH cares he won’t allow you to be in an unsafe position again

You're in the wrong.
John also sucks for not supporting his own partner.

You need to work on your anxiety - you know millions of women love, work and travel in 'first world' countries every day right?

Why on earth didn't you just say to Kate, "Ok, I'll get the taxi back with you anyway. I can always sit in the bar/read a book/watch some telly while waiting for the boys to get back. I don't want to go back to the bar where the boys are." and then just get in the taxi back to the hotel?

In fairness, you are being very unfair to your DH because he didn't have a crystal ball to know that Kate didn't want you to go back with her and you were going to return to the bar.
You are also being very unfair to John but he should have gone with Kate back to the hotel. It's very possible that he could have watched whatever remained of the match in the hotel bar missing a few minutes of play.

I think you'll have some apologising to do and I think you should also try to find some help to deal with the anxiety you feel in a 'First World' country that you're unsafe all the time. This is the nub of the issue that you felt unsafe and when your safety net wasn't there you went from zero to ten thousand in a matter of seconds.

John is BU for prioritising staying in bar over his sick girlfriend.
Your DH is BU for backing up John in the bar by standing by when he made that choice.
Also, WTF was it with them both fucking off so quickly when you left? Having wanted to stay in the bar so badly before? It's almost like they were trying to get rid of you.....
You are BU for shouting on the phone.
Your DH is BU for not standing up for you
to John re texts.
You are ALL BU to have horrid scrappy drunken fights.

I think you may have different, and probably incompatible, behavioural expectations OP.

But enough already with the helpless female abroad bit.

John sounds awful and your husband no better.

Drink was involved?
So emotions can be elevated but I think your husband is the worst in all of this.

He is a disloyal twat and I really hope you don't have children with him.

It all,sounds a bit silly. I think you were very wrong to get angry. I'd have put the phone down on you too. It's hard to picture the situation where John "demanded" you go back even though your friend didn't want you to. Were you all,really drunk?

John and your DH were in the wrong.

John should have gone with his girlfriend. Why did his wanting to watch the footie come above her or your safety? Or even you getting to watch the football?

Sorry but if the men want to go to a country where women are unsafe, they need to ensure they take responsibility for always being there for you. It’s men who are creating the problem by acting in unsafe ways, and other men (ie Iohn and your H) have to be the ones in your group to have their freedoms slightly curtailed by that.

It also seems a bit overreaction. If you didn’t want to be on your own you should not have separated from Kate. You decided to change the agreed plan.
The men thought you were with Kate so why would they tell you that their plans had changed.
DH could have walked back if you were so anxious . Surprised all this happened in such a short space of time .

Everyone was unreasonable
John should have offered to accompany his wife. It's not for him to designate you her carer
Kate should have asked Jon to join her or said she was fine alone
You should have declined to follow John's instructions and spoken up at the right time.
You all should have communicated your rough plans better.
Your husband should have responded and had a private conversation with you.
Your husband shouldn't be 'blanking' you.
You and your husband should not agree to holiday somewhere you didn't feel safe

You were annoyed at John but I suspect equally annoyed at yourself for going along with it. That, coupled with your anxiety has caused you to lash out and made for a pretty awkward holiday. Work on being more assertive and less dependant on others.

As soon as the women left they went to go somewhere else. My bet is a strip club.

John is probably cross you stopped him enjoying himself.

This isn’t about John and his girlfriend so not sure why that’s the focus as that doesn’t concern you. No one forced you to go back with her, you agreed. She simply changed her mind about needing an escort.

You massively overreacted and were unnecessarily rude and aggressive. You admit yourself you lost your temper. Unless DH and his friend always give you a step by step account of their movements, there was no need for your behaviour as you were not in danger. Sounds like you’re not mature enough for holidays abroad.

Urgh sounds like a horrible mess. I’d hate being on holidays somewhere I felt unsafe so yes the guys were insensitive sending you off to mind her.

But after all the miscommunication, can’t you all decide to draw a line under it , make an agreement that the ladies would prefer to be chaperoned at night and all just put it down to misunderstandings - for the sake of the holiday?

otherwise it will be a miserable week!