Who is BU, me or DH and friend?

[luckystarg]

We are abroad in a first world country but that does have unsafe implications for women, alike any country really.

We are away with another couple. The friend, Kate, became sick out of the blue and said to her boyfriend John. John didn’t want to stop watching the football so basically demanded I go with Kate (Kate and I are friends). I follow along and she says she wants to go to the hotel. She tells me she doesn’t want me with her as she will just sit on the toilet. She gets in cab at main entrance and I go back to find the boys. Both are gone.

I am highly anxious and lose my temper. I eventually get hold of John and shout about where they (DH and John) are. He says they’re beginning the walk back so they are no longer near where I am. He hangs up because I am angry.

I get in a taxi, go back to hotel. DH walks in as if I’m in the wrong. John says I’m being a prick. Kate is still throwing up.

it all seems like a massive miscommunication but I am besides myself. I specifically said to DH that I don’t want to ever be alone as I don’t feel safe. From my perspective, John prioritised the football game over his own girlfriend, then expected everything to be fine. Obviously I overreacted (major trigger for me) about being alone with men harassing me (they had when I was with the men and so I felt unsafe when they were gone).

I am so angry at the situation because no one text saying “we are leaving the bar and will find you at the hotel” instead I was clueless calling everyone to no avail. Eventually I did get a taxi, luckily found a card that would work (DH had the cards for our travel) and got back safe. However I’ve had a text from John saying I’m in the wrong and just drunk. I’m aware he’s messaged DH saying I’m a prick.

In my opinion, John couldn’t be bothered by his own girlfriend being sick and cared more about the game forcing me to run after her, rather than checking I was safe.

There is now a huge fall out and a week left of the holiday. DH is also not talking to me.

Stop going on holiday to places you need a man to feel safe, particularly when the man you have chosen is an unreliable drunk who doesn't have your back.

This.

In all honesty i think yabu, its a country that you felt vulnerable in but you let your drunk friend with food poisoning get a taxi on her own?! Even if she wanted to be by herself i would have been insisting that i got in the taxi with her. Yes john might of been unreasonable not going with her but so were you allowing her to go by herself, she was probably more at risk than you were.

With your update, I can see why you’re upset with them.

I think there’s a fair bit of blame to go around here.

Going to a country you don’t feel safe on your own as a woman to get drunk is setting yourself up for problems. Doing that and not even being prepared to pay for roaming on your phone is also pretty poor. You’ve gone on holiday somewhere that you need people to be aware of where you are and to want to stick with you, but you all get very drunk and have to scramble for free wi-fi to stay in touch. Why would you choose this?

It also sounds like your DH, knowing you were all going to a place where you and Kate were more vulnerable, has not thought about what that means for him and when you face him with the reality of it he balks.

And it sounds like John is just a misogynistic arse. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that this isn’t the first time he’s been dismissive of his girlfriend’s needs, or tried to dump you so he and your DH can go off an be boys together. But you still went on holiday with them to a place where you don’t feel safe on your own. Got drunk together and lost your temper.

I can see why you’re upset. I think you need to have a long think about who you’re spending your time with and what you’re doing with your life with them. Value yourself more. Drink less.

Kate appears to have been an independent woman who felt sick, got herself home just home and didn't want an audience while she spent the night on the toilet. It doesn't sound like she even needed John nor wanted him there. I wouldn't if I was Kate. Kate isn't the one complaining.

Perhaps Kate didn't want OPs company because OP was drunk and not who she wanted around at the time. A woman can cab back to her hotel on her own.

Everyone should sleep it off and carry on with their vacation.

YANBU at all @luckystarg and I’m really surprised at all the PPs saying you were out of order.

Your DH and John are sexist pigs not even seeing the potential risks to you.

The disrespect of your husband's mate texting him to call his wife a prick! And him then agreeing!

I agree with the few posters who feel it's a bit strange how quickly they disappeared from the bar after shooing you off after Kate.

No one to blame so you were BU. You shouldn’t have got angry with anyone.

John sounds like a prick! How dare he call you names like that when he should have been looking after his partner. Sounds like an unfortunate set of circumstances not helped by Johns attitude!

YABU.

You could've contacted them to say you were coming back to hang with them

This

I've read the OP updates but NRTFT

I'm more confused about all of your points about it being unsafe for you to be alone, lone drunk woman etc etc but you let a clearly vulnerable sick woman be alone in a taxi instead of accompanying her?

It's shit you had to go after her and her partner didn't, but why leave her in a taxi alone and go back to join the partners? If it's that bad of a place surely you should have gone back to the hotel with her?

Sounds like everyone was drunk and being unreasonable.

Totally agree. #TeamKate

This is nothing more than drunken idiotic behaviour all round. Everyone needs to forget about it and move on.

I don't think the men should have insisted on staying and leaving you to make your own way back.

I went to Egypt with my dad and brother when I was about 16 and neither of them understood how scary it was to be alone. My dad once walked into a shop that I was in, inside the hotel grounds, and started chattering away to the shopkeeper and trying to get me to join in , completely unaware that he'd been blocking me from leaving and trying to force me to kiss him. We went to an area with bars at night and I clung to them. I would never have walked about on my own. I couldn't have let another woman walk off on her own either.

@misslaa Her friend wasn't drunk, just had food poisoning. And you can't force yourself on someone. If I want to be alone, my friends know it, and heaven help them if they got in a taxi with me and forced themselves on me when I wanted to be left alone!! You're being unreasonable blaming the OP for the choice of her friend.

Not everything is a "situation." Sometimes it's just a thing that happened. 🤷‍♀️

I think John is the A*hole. He should have gone with Kate.
Kate didn't do anything wrong.
I don't really think you did anything wrong either other than marrying a total wet leaf.

I know if I was in your position I'd probably just stay at the hotel and enjoy my own company for the rest of the trip.

People have no issue calling men names all the times - prick, asshole, wanker, dick, dickhead, cocklogder, idiot, pig, fuckboy, etc. There is nothing that makes it suddenly wrong or misogynistic because it is a woman. If you have ever called a man a name - then you can't have an issue with calling women names. You are either anti-name calling anyone or you are fine with both men and women being called names. when I see anyone on here call a man a name, I assume they also have no issue calling women bitches, cunts, sluts etc. You can't have it both ways.