Who is BU, me or DH and friend?

[luckystarg]

We are abroad in a first world country but that does have unsafe implications for women, alike any country really.

We are away with another couple. The friend, Kate, became sick out of the blue and said to her boyfriend John. John didn’t want to stop watching the football so basically demanded I go with Kate (Kate and I are friends). I follow along and she says she wants to go to the hotel. She tells me she doesn’t want me with her as she will just sit on the toilet. She gets in cab at main entrance and I go back to find the boys. Both are gone.

I am highly anxious and lose my temper. I eventually get hold of John and shout about where they (DH and John) are. He says they’re beginning the walk back so they are no longer near where I am. He hangs up because I am angry.

I get in a taxi, go back to hotel. DH walks in as if I’m in the wrong. John says I’m being a prick. Kate is still throwing up.

it all seems like a massive miscommunication but I am besides myself. I specifically said to DH that I don’t want to ever be alone as I don’t feel safe. From my perspective, John prioritised the football game over his own girlfriend, then expected everything to be fine. Obviously I overreacted (major trigger for me) about being alone with men harassing me (they had when I was with the men and so I felt unsafe when they were gone).

I am so angry at the situation because no one text saying “we are leaving the bar and will find you at the hotel” instead I was clueless calling everyone to no avail. Eventually I did get a taxi, luckily found a card that would work (DH had the cards for our travel) and got back safe. However I’ve had a text from John saying I’m in the wrong and just drunk. I’m aware he’s messaged DH saying I’m a prick.

In my opinion, John couldn’t be bothered by his own girlfriend being sick and cared more about the game forcing me to run after her, rather than checking I was safe.

There is now a huge fall out and a week left of the holiday. DH is also not talking to me.

I suspect Kate needed help but that wasn't forthcoming from her "D"P, was torn between needing to get home but feeling uncomfortable/guilty about the OP staying with her whilst she sat on the loo with D&V for the rest of the night.

Kate isn't in the wrong, OP is a little in the wrong, John is completely in the wrong (none of this would have been an issue if he's stepped up from the outset).

She didn't phone her husband. She didn't even speak to her husband. Only John. Her husband came home angry at her. Not the other way around. Also it's clear John gave her attitude and abused her over the phone when all she was doing was trying to find out where they were. So no wonder OP kicked off.

Kate should have been honest from the start instead of making OP look like a fool. Kate was in the wrong, and John was in the wrong. The OP was used as a ping pong ball and was the only one not at all in the wrong.

I think you're all drunk and hopefully sleeping it off and tomorrow is another day.

However, I'm curious to know why the game that they were so glued to so they couldn't accompany you home when one of you was sick, they could leave when you left?

Also if the place you are is genuinely considered more dangerous , in which case trying to get a vomiting woman in a cab home not necessarily always easy, and your partners should have come with you, especially they were about to leave anyway.

Something doesn't quite add up here for me, but hopefully all a pissed up lack of communication and high tempers.

John probably should have gone with Kate. But after that it’s your fault - why would you expect them to stay in a bar waiting for you when you have left? That makes no sense! I suspect you are all just drunk and being melodramatic.

Exactly. All this about safety.

it’s fine that it’s a personal trigger but it’s also ok to allow someone unwell to make their own way home. You are friends after all.

Yes John should have taken his own girlfriend home, but he didn’t.

This is all majorly out of proportion because there’s anger displacement over whose responsibility it was to see to Kate. And then more when it was discovered that the boys had moved on when they thought no one was watching.

Let it blow over and everyone has their own apologies to make

I struggle to place any blame at the feet of the person who was feeling unwell in all of this!

John's a twat, OP (understandably, under the circumstances) overreacted when they weren't where she expected them to be, all poor Kate wanted to do is curl up in a corner/on the loo and groan to herself.

John is a total prick, but that doesn't make Kate a prick. Jury is out with DH to be honest. I'd be pretty mortified if due to a misunderstanding my husband phoned me up screaming at me about how awful I am. In fact, I can't think of a reason where him shouting at me ever would be OK. I'm not a punching bag. If OP was to get so irate due to an innocent misunderstanding which she played equal part in, I imagine the temper gets lost on a regular basis. I'd be upset too.

Well they didn’t expect you to be coming back so they wouldn’t automatically text you would they? I don’t think that’s unreasonable? I think the guy was unreasonable yes expecting you to go back with his girlfriend in the first place but otherwise I think you’ve over reacted and should apologise

I misread that part. But still, her phone call with John starts with her losing her temper being angry and shouting about where they are. Pretty pathetic really.

John is obviously a prick, I'm not disputing that. But no one forces anyone to go anywhere. OP didn't need to leave, and then didn't need to leave Kate either. And then didn't need to flip because the people who didn't know she was coming back didn't tell her that they wouldn't be there when she came back.....surely 🤣

You went back to the hotel with Kate. They weren't to know that you'd leave her there ( albeit at her request) and return to the bar. They thought you were both back at the hotel.

Kate was a prick because she waited until OP followed her to the taxi to tell her she didn't want her with her, she should have told her that when John first told OP to go with her.

The OP played NO part in the 'misunderstanding'. She was told to go with Kate, she did as she was told. When she followed Kate to the taxi, only then did Kate bother to tell her she wasn't needed.

OP didn't even speak to her husband to shout at him, she spoke to John. Her husband turned up home and lost his temper with the OP. Why is the OP being accused of doing what others are doing to her?

Maybe she picked up on the fact that op didn't really want to accompany her. There's no way I'd put a sick friend in a taxi by herself while abroad. What if she was ill in the taxi, or struggled to get back to her room. I suspect 'you don't need to come with me' was because it was really obvious that op didn't want to.

"John and OP’s DH appeared to want to get drunk alone and are now blaming OP because she called John out for being a sexist prick."

I thought op said they'd left to make their way back to the hotel.

OP didn't need to leave

She was doing what she was told to do.

and then didn't need to leave Kate either

and again doing what she was told to do.

I think you need to own your own decisions OP. And apologise to your DH, who has done nothing wrong as far as I can see.

Yeah, to me it depends on how long you were away. If you left for 5 min to put Kate in a taxi near the entrance, then it's very bloody weird that they raced out of the bar and I'd wonder what they were up to. How much longer did the football have to run? If you took Kate on an hour's ramble and returned without texting, then you were being hugely unreasonable. What's the timeline OP?

I don't agree with that. Kate is OP's friend, she would have wanted to be with her friend but Kate did not want her there. You cannot force yourself on an ill person. Kate should have been honest upfront instead messing the OP around.

Your husband and his friend are just dumb for not letting you know.
Next time don't try and help, that girl has a husband he should have gone with her.

The men thought Kate and op had gone back to the hotel together. They left the bar to make their way back to the hotel too. Except op calls John, having already 'lost her temper', and shouts at him. At that point, op is in the wrong. Phoning someone to angrily shout at them? It would be outrageous if it was the other way round wouldn't it? Completely in the wrong. Even when safely back at the hotel, op remains 'beside herself.' It's an unfortunate series of events but no one deserves to be shouted at.

I thought op said they'd left to make their way back to the hotel.

Only because the OP chased them up. Why else, otherwise, if they were going back to the hotel minutes after Kate left, ie basically at the same time, didn't they just all go back with Kate? It's clear John was planning on going somewhere with the OP's husband otherwise he would have left with Kate at the same time, instead of sending the women home.

Yes you are being a prick. Calm down. Mild annoyance fine, screaming and shouting not on.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 are you for real?

She was told to go with Kate, she did as she was told. She's not 3 in nursery.

Her husband turned up home and lost his temper with the OP. Why is the OP being accused of doing what others are doing to her? The only person in the whole story who lost their temper was OP...absolutely no one else lost their temper. Can you pick out the bit where anyone else lost their temper and re-post it on here?

@Strugglingtodomybest Kate should have owned her own decisions. Why does the OP have to apologise to her DH for? She didn't argue with DH, she argued with John. It is her husband, John, and Kate that need to apologise to the OP. OP hasn't a single thing wrong to apologise for. Her own DH and John in particular, need to massively apologise to the OP. Big time.

John should have been the one to take his girlfriend back, that is understandable.

OP agreed to go back with her friend. Once she agreed to do that it was all on her. I suspect she made it clear to Kate that would rather be at the bar than with her so Kate insisted she go back and she would be fine. I decent friend who really did think that women were unsafe would not leave her sick female friend alone to get back.

Once OP had made the decision to return to the hotel, she should have returned. Even if Kate didn't want her to stay in het hotel room she should have insisted they return to the hotel together as it is unsafe for both of them to be alone without the men, the op could have just returned to her own room.

Op is a prick for how she reacted, John is a prick for not looking after his gf in the first place. Kate and the DH did nothing wrong.