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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

412 replies

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 18:52

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

OP posts:
AllotmentTime · 12/02/2023 18:53

Sensible option- tell her it’s not always convenient so you can any more, sorry
Chicken option 🤣 - make up a relative you’re dropping in on each week who lives in the other direction

LubaLuca · 12/02/2023 18:55

If the journey time from hers to yours is 5 minutes, and you have to start off going in the opposite direction to home, you're talking about a 2.5 minute car journey which is presumably less than a mile.

Is she unable to walk that distance?

ThreeblackCats · 12/02/2023 18:58

“I’m not heading your way tonight, sorry”

repeat until she gets the message.

fastandthecurious1 · 12/02/2023 18:59

Ahhh you gotta bite the bullet! I got in This situation driving a colleague to work as she lived 7/8 mins from me but again opposite direction to my route to work, so I would be going back past my house adding 15 mins to my journey

I had a 10 month old I had to drop at grandparents 2 days a week also and I dropped hints that it was too much of a morning but she said she would just walk to my house... I agreed but she never did! One morning I had to de ice the car so I texted her and said I would be 5/10 mins late as tej car was frozen solid.

She literally replied 'oh dear we'll be late then o guess, do you think you should be de icing the car earlier before you're ready to leave?' I was so angry that I replied the buses are still running or I suggest you get a taxi.

BlondeBombshelf · 12/02/2023 19:00

You clearly don’t like her so it should be easy enough to say ‘I don’t want to, make your own way there as I drive past in comfort’.

Moobae · 12/02/2023 19:00

why can’t you drop her at yours and she walks from there.
say to her you’re meeting friends and not going home, keep saying it until she gets the message

MuggleMe · 12/02/2023 19:00

How does she get there? Could you need to pop to the shop on the way home etc occasionally? Do you not like her? It doesn't sound like a huge inconvenience.

Riverlee · 12/02/2023 19:01

Escape quickly before she has a chance to catch up with you, or have jobs to do after the group. Ie. Visit to supermarket, petrol station etc. ignore any texts from her.

Jemimapinotduck · 12/02/2023 19:01

Could you not just stop at your house and she walks home?

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 12/02/2023 19:03

I have a colleague who doesn't drive and everytime there's a dept off site or team dinner etc I always drive her there/home, she lives 20 mins away from me, so a 40 minute round trip as I also have to go past my house. I always offer, she never asks, she is a kind sweet woman whose company I really enjoy, but I know if I ever didn't offer she would not be difficult. These arrangements really only work if there is no expectation.

Perhaps if you just say you can't drop her off the next 2 or 3 times; that would be enough to shrug the expectation.

SingaporeSlinky · 12/02/2023 19:03

I’d start being busy after hobby, ‘sorry I’m meeting a friend now so not heading home’, then ‘need to pop to the shops’ and hope she gets the hint.

NashvilleQueen · 12/02/2023 19:04

Unless you actively dislike her I would be fine with this tbh. It's hardly out of your way and she doesn't drive. I get her messaging you to see where you are is a bit cheeky but this isn't situation I would ever create an issue with.

LolaSmiles · 12/02/2023 19:04

A wise friend once cautioned me against getting into arrangements like this for this reason because what starts as a favour turns into expectation.

It's only 5 minutes, which isn't a huge inconvenience, but it is if she's expecting you to be her de facto transport arrangement.

You're going to have to say that you're not able to reliably provide lifts anymore.

Dacadactyl · 12/02/2023 19:05

I'd personally just carry on giving the lift if I had nowhere else to be and if petrol money wasn't a concern.

However, if you don't want to, you could say something like "I've just come off a fixed rate on my gas and electric and with the rising cost of living I can't drive you to yours anymore. You will have to walk from mine."

That's if you're even happy to give her a lift to yours. Otherwise I don't think you can do it without just on keeping saying "I'm not going your way".

Twentywisteria · 12/02/2023 19:06

How did she get home before the lifts?

CC4712 · 12/02/2023 19:06

How did she get there and home before you started taking her? Does she offer any cash for petrol?

People saying that you don't like her are being ridiculous! I'd offer a friend a lift if they needed it- but to expect OP to be a taxi service week in week out and even text asking where she was- is absolutely ridiculous!

Start getting busy after class, going to shops/another friends/relatives and ask how she normally gets home and suggest she organises that going forward.

SwedishEdith · 12/02/2023 19:08

What did she do before you joined the hobby group?

tuvamoodyson · 12/02/2023 19:08

Is that a whole 5 minutes away from you?

Badbudgeter · 12/02/2023 19:08

As you have her Facebook just message her on there that you’re not going to give her a lift anymore as you are busy afterwards.

Terrribletwos · 12/02/2023 19:09

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 18:52

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

I am not really sure why it's such a big deal if she lives 5 mins away from you? Maybe it's the presumption you don't like? I get that.

UdoU · 12/02/2023 19:09

How does she get there? She can go back the same way.

Just say it’s not convenient for you anymore.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 12/02/2023 19:10

This is the kind of situation I often find myself in; happy to offer the a lift but then get cross when it’s expected/taken for granted/becomes an inconvenience. I’ve no real advice, I’d probably say “sorry, I have an errand to run straight after class this week”. But why can’t we be truthful? Why can’t we say, “I’m sorry, it no longer suits me to give you a lift every week”?

shrunkenhead · 12/02/2023 19:13

It's only 5 minutes onto your day, surely not a big deal? Or, as others have said, it's only a 10 minute walk from yours so you could offer to let her out at yours and she can walk home.
I'm sure she appreciates it. Although cheeky to expect it and rely on it. A convo needs to be had if it's a regular arrangement and she could kindly offer petrol money for your inconvenience.

MakeItADouble2 · 12/02/2023 19:13

I personally believe you reap what you sow. 5 mins is hardly too much out of your way, is it? One day your kindness will be returned in some other way, and not necessarily by this lady. However it needs to be done with kindness.
Why are you getting so upset by this relatively small blip to your journey home?.

Hankunamatata · 12/02/2023 19:13

Message her on fb amd say that unfortunately going forwards you won't be able to give her a lift home. Don't explain or make excuses.