Page 6 | To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

MinceandMash · 2023-02-12T18:52:23+00:00

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2023 22:21

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 21:30

To answer some questions no she’s never offered me petrol money, but to be honest that’s not the problem really it’s the expectation that I’ll always do it. Last week she even followed me out to the car park and to my car. Sometimes I’d like to be able to pop to the shops or get petrol on the way home.

Then start doing it! Who says you have to be the 'express train' home? Stop at the shops, pull in for petrol, drop off a parcel, whatever. Just say when you next see her 'Wanted to let you know I'm going to be running errands after group so you should probably make your own way home'. Then keep doing it until she gets the message. If she does.

Or just tell her it's no longer convenient for you to drive her home with no excuses or reasons why. When you're doing a favour for someone and want to stop, you don't need to justify yourself.

Turefu · 12/02/2023 22:21

If she lived on OP’s way, would it be different? Serious question. Is it time/petrol issue or entitlement one? Either way , OP doesn’t have to give lifts if she doesn’t want to.

MasterBeth · 12/02/2023 22:23

Riverlee · 12/02/2023 19:01

Escape quickly before she has a chance to catch up with you, or have jobs to do after the group. Ie. Visit to supermarket, petrol station etc. ignore any texts from her.

"I have to go to the petrol station on the way home" is hardly a reason to not give someone a lift. You'll have to bite the bullet and say you can't take her any more.

Thighlengthboots · 12/02/2023 22:25

Mum97540 · 12/02/2023 22:21

Op has said it's not about petrol money. I haven't seen anywhere that she didn't say thank you.

Show quote history

Yes it’s not just about petrol money but surely you can see that not offering contributes to the whole feeling of entitlement and that this woman is only using OP for her own convenience. It absolutely IS entitled behaviour.

NotTooParticular · 12/02/2023 22:26

I'd take her home but if I wanted to go to the shops on the way I would and I'd warm her first. Just so you know I've got to go to Asda on way back.

flabbygoldfish · 12/02/2023 22:26

Present her with an invoice for taxi services + tip 😂

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2023 22:33

... more and more often she isn’t ready and keeps me waiting (before she comes out of the house, chatting to people for ages after the hobby and blissfully unaware I am ready to leave

Well at least that one's straightforward - simply drop in that you "need to be prompt" next time, and if she still isn't ready/hangs around afterwards simply drive off

You'd have given fair warning, but if she still complains you could always say you needed to call at the post office/pharmacy/supermarket or whatever so couldn't wait

Mum97540 · 12/02/2023 22:34

Thighlengthboots · 12/02/2023 22:25

Yes it’s not just about petrol money but surely you can see that not offering contributes to the whole feeling of entitlement and that this woman is only using OP for her own convenience. It absolutely IS entitled behaviour.

Show quote history

Nope. Don't see it like that at all. It's a lift, not a kidney donation.

FleurPetalPink · 12/02/2023 22:34

tuvamoodyson · 12/02/2023 19:08

Is that a whole 5 minutes away from you?

I think the same, is 5 or 10 minutes inconvenience so bad?

I used to take my daughter and pick up 3 others at 8pm once a month, with my new baby in tow, to a rural village 20-30 mins away once a month, and collect them all again at 10pm, and drop them at their homes, in a nearby village.

Except, because we were 10 minutes in the opposite direction, no parent, who lived in a neighbouring village would ever bring my daughter home, when it was their turn, once a week to do the same for us.

Then I had to do more weeks, as someone else wasn’t able to, with my new baby, at 8 and 10 pm, every other week.

Then I had enough, and got my daughter to say, that unless she was brought home when it was the other parents weeks, ( I had to drive out take and collect her from the 10-15 min away village each time, it wasn’t my turn to drive them all) I was doing no more trips for them, and would only ever take my child.

Suddenly she got lifts home, and was collected, and then I didn’t mind the odd extra week to do.

Your 5 or 10 minute journey, probably makes all the difference to someone without a car, perhaps with no easy way to get to their hobby. Who probably also regards you as a friend.

beAsensible1 · 12/02/2023 22:40

fastandthecurious1 · 12/02/2023 18:59

Ahhh you gotta bite the bullet! I got in This situation driving a colleague to work as she lived 7/8 mins from me but again opposite direction to my route to work, so I would be going back past my house adding 15 mins to my journey

I had a 10 month old I had to drop at grandparents 2 days a week also and I dropped hints that it was too much of a morning but she said she would just walk to my house... I agreed but she never did! One morning I had to de ice the car so I texted her and said I would be 5/10 mins late as tej car was frozen solid.

She literally replied 'oh dear we'll be late then o guess, do you think you should be de icing the car earlier before you're ready to leave?' I was so angry that I replied the buses are still running or I suggest you get a taxi.

the actual cheek of it!

Sunriseinwonderland · 12/02/2023 22:40

Shes a right CF just say sorry no it isn't convenient for me any more I have other things to do.
Some people are incredibly socially unaware and don't even think of everyone else not being available to run them around. I've seen neighbours be dragged into all kinds of ridiculous situations because they can't say no.

Thighlengthboots · 12/02/2023 22:40

Mum97540 · 12/02/2023 22:34

Nope. Don't see it like that at all. It's a lift, not a kidney donation.

Show quote history

Oh I didn’t realise that only a kidney donation required thanks 🙄🙄🙄

Mum97540 · 12/02/2023 22:45

But op has not said she didn't say thank you.

Evasmissingletter · 12/02/2023 22:46

Not learning to drive or not owning a car is often a sign of socioeconomic disadvantage. With the reduction of cheap and regular public transport it’s difficult and costly for many to get to work often resulting in limited job choices and so the circle of disadvantage continues. This same limiting factor also affects the ability for people to socialise, play sports or enjoy hobbies.
I’m not saying this is your case OP or in fact other posters who have talked about CF people.
By all means call them out. But thought it was worth considering…. Not everyone has access to a safe, comfy, warm car for travel options.

TheDogthatDug · 12/02/2023 22:49

You've got that elderly relative who needs help after your hobby group haven't you?

Keroppi · 12/02/2023 22:49

Just say "Hi soandso, just a quick msg that dropping you home from hobby won't be convenient for me going forward from March/whenever. Looking forward to seeing you next week as usual!"

Then she has a set date to prepare for and you can always say some white lie about elderly relative/care/going to the gym or another group not long after that one ends.

NewNovember · 12/02/2023 22:50

PuzzledObserver · 12/02/2023 19:51

DH and I were asked in mid-October if we could give a lift to someone from our choir as she had been told not to drive for medical reasons and was waiting for an appointment which should clear her drive again. Was only supposed to be a couple of weeks, so of course we said yes.

And the appointment was cancelled…..

I will say that she has always been grateful, asks if we are going next week etc, and gave us a gift at Christmas. If we’re not there, she has to leave practice early in order to get a train/bus home.

It is 15-20 minutes from choir to our house. And a further couple of minutes beyond to her house.

We have continued with this on the assumption it is temporary. But if it turns out to be permanent - if she doesn’t get her licence back - then I will have a word about her making a contribution towards the cost of running the car. I know we would be going anyway - but we are driving further to take her home, and she is saving the cost of running her own car!

You would ask for a contribution for a four minute round trip?

Beaglesonlyplease · 12/02/2023 23:00

Did she start by asking or did you offer?
If someone offered once and then again and again I’d probably think they weee going to do it from then on but I wouldn’t expect it.
If she asked it’s different and then you can just say it without explanation.
But if I got a message from someone who had offered me a lift, on several occasions and then sent a message saying they couldn’t give me a lift, I’d assume I’d done something wrong and be extremely embarrassed.

wurlycurly · 12/02/2023 23:03

I haven't read all the answers but I would say, be generous. You say it's not about the money. And it's not really about the time. Unless the woman you give a lift to is ungrateful, I'd give her a lift. Think of yourself as being a great and generously spirited person, rather than someone who is being 'taken advantage of'. You are being kind.

Thatboymum · 12/02/2023 23:05

a work colleague done this to me it was meant to be a one off as she missed the bus and we work 25 mins away from our town, then it ended up being every single shit where she then had our manager change her shifts to match mine, bearing in mind she lived about 10 min drive across a by pass away from me so not close or convenient, I tried the whole i need to go to shops after work she came and done a full weeks food shop, tried to actually be late for work she didn’t care, stopped off at childcare and grandparents she didn’t care , in the end I told my manager who I got on well with and he changed her shifts so I never had to do it again. So from experience just say that it’s not working for you because I should have done that myself

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/02/2023 23:10

Just start making excuses-oh I’m going to my friends/shopping/the gym etc etc.

FrenchBoule · 12/02/2023 23:24

@Evasmissingletter socioeconomic disadvantage is not an excuse for lack of manners.
If you’re a lift taker don’t be late and always say “thank you”. Offering fuel money should also be considered as somebody saves the lift taker time and bother.

OP just tell her your arrangement isn’t working for you anymore and you’re stopping the lifts. You don’t have to explain yourself to anybody or apologise.

alanabennett · 12/02/2023 23:27

PuzzledObserver · 12/02/2023 19:51

DH and I were asked in mid-October if we could give a lift to someone from our choir as she had been told not to drive for medical reasons and was waiting for an appointment which should clear her drive again. Was only supposed to be a couple of weeks, so of course we said yes.

And the appointment was cancelled…..

I will say that she has always been grateful, asks if we are going next week etc, and gave us a gift at Christmas. If we’re not there, she has to leave practice early in order to get a train/bus home.

It is 15-20 minutes from choir to our house. And a further couple of minutes beyond to her house.

We have continued with this on the assumption it is temporary. But if it turns out to be permanent - if she doesn’t get her licence back - then I will have a word about her making a contribution towards the cost of running the car. I know we would be going anyway - but we are driving further to take her home, and she is saving the cost of running her own car!

Jesus wept. Only on MN do people ask for a contribution "to the cost of running the car" for a regular lift of a couple of minutes.

This place is positively overflowing with the milk of human kindness 🙄☹️

FiddleLeaf · 12/02/2023 23:34

I think it’s kind to ask permission and offer petrol money 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mothership4two · 12/02/2023 23:53

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 21:30

To answer some questions no she’s never offered me petrol money, but to be honest that’s not the problem really it’s the expectation that I’ll always do it. Last week she even followed me out to the car park and to my car. Sometimes I’d like to be able to pop to the shops or get petrol on the way home.

Then tell her you won't be able to give her a lift next time or whenever OP. You don't have to give any reason but a bit of fair warning would be considerate of you.

I think it would be mean to stop giving lifts altogether