To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

[MinceandMash]

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

I'd break the expectation by texting her an excuse ahead of next time- supermarket, whatever. Then don't offer again or make this your new go-to if she asks. Like PPs say, would you be happy to drop her off at yours? I understand. The expectation would annoy me, if it was on the way, not so much but it's not.

She’s five minutes away….

This

It's 10 minutes of her time, plus petrol. I'd say OP didn't mind, but the friend now expects it which is probably what's annoying her now.

DH and I were asked in mid-October if we could give a lift to someone from our choir as she had been told not to drive for medical reasons and was waiting for an appointment which should clear her drive again. Was only supposed to be a couple of weeks, so of course we said yes.

And the appointment was cancelled…..

I will say that she has always been grateful, asks if we are going next week etc, and gave us a gift at Christmas. If we’re not there, she has to leave practice early in order to get a train/bus home.

It is 15-20 minutes from choir to our house. And a further couple of minutes beyond to her house.

We have continued with this on the assumption it is temporary. But if it turns out to be permanent - if she doesn’t get her licence back - then I will have a word about her making a contribution towards the cost of running the car. I know we would be going anyway - but we are driving further to take her home, and she is saving the cost of running her own car!

5 minutes away from you by car is how long a walk? Well lit roads or scary dark alleyways? Is she disabled and unable to walk very far?

Drop her your place, saying that you now have other commitments (if she's rude enough to ask for more info, just say"family" very firmly, and refuse further info, not her business) and can't take all her all the way any more. Then sometimes tell her you're going elsewhere tonight and can't take her at all.

Don't get pulled i to discussion about it, just ge firm.

My sister got into something like this. People who don’t drive jump on these threads saying they would never do it….

Its rife though.

Unless you really hate her is it really the end of the world? Ten minutes out of your day once a week, 🤷‍♀️

I give my rriend from work a lift to work most week days but if i cba or have something on then i just text hi i cant give you a lift today.I dont explain myself and she doesnt ask.Works well.

I would do as others have suggested, be less available, don't go straight home and only give a lift when you want to

I don't see 10mins to do something kind for someone a big deal. You have let it become a habit by taking her each week. What do you want her to do? Organise a lift or make to leave early each week just so you can step in each time and save the day by offering a lift? You're either happy to do it or you're not so you either need to crack on or tell her you don't want to do it any longer and stop.

If you know that she now seems to rely on lifts from you I think YWBU not to message her and let her know you weren't going.

Yeah I've been in this situation before. I just said to person, I've got something else on after club. She took hint!

Next time, divert your journey via the filling station, top up the fuel and say "Would you mind paying? ".

"It's not a huge inconvenience...."

But it IS an inconvenience. I too got into something like this and I ended up with a bagful of pre-planned excuses which I pulled out in a random order so I could break the expectation. The person in question rarely expects lifts anymore. They still do ask (well, ask would imply a 'please' but they stopped years ago) but it's a 90% fail rate for them.

Five extra minutes in the opposite direction to home every single fucking time is annoying. It costs you. It is extra time, extra fuel, extra wear and tear to the car and extra effort. And it costs the non driver nothing.

It was actually my DH who put his foot down and told me to come up with excuses to put our pisstaker off when he realised that we already had and were still spending a large amount of our hard earned money to a) learn to drive, b) pay for the tests, c) buy the car itself and d) pay the tax, fuel, insurance, MOT and upkeep of the car whilst the non driver could spend their cash on nights out, tattoos, smoking and basically blowing cash they could use to become drivers themselves.

OP: to avoid unpleasantness, make up excuses and break this habit. A single excuse would be handier. Driving to an ailing elderly parent straight after every session or something like that would work.

I wouldn't have thought her messaging you about the day you missed was because she was worried about not having a ride; I'd have assumed she considered you a friend or friendly acquaintence and was concerned when you didn't show up.

If you don't want to give her lifts anymore, tell her. That way there's no confusion. Or set whatever terms work for you: she pays x amount, you drop her off at your house or at the closest point on the way, etc. Obviously she CAN get home on her own, or she wouldn't have been attending the group in the first place. (If you hadn't offered the first time, would she even know you lived so close to her?)

But if you've been routinely giving her a lift every time, it's also understandable that she might have fallen out of the habit of protesting or asking if you're sure it's no trouble each time. Reset the expectations based on what you want and can do.

The following list of MNers won't see your point of view:

CFs
CFs who feel entitled to lifts because you drive and they don't
CFs who've never had a CF take advantage of them
People pleasers

I can’t give her a lift there because of work

Probably just as well

As a non-driver (vision issues) I'm well used to getting buses/taxis, and while I'll also be offered lifts to some things I wouldn't dream of assuming anything

Plenty of great suggestions upthread, but if you want another you could always say you've got some "personal stuff" going on to get you out of the lifts. Very few people will pry into that, and if she does you'll be left in no doubt as to what you're dealing with

I really get where you are coming from OP. I started giving a lift home from a volunteering afternoon to another volunteer. I have now ended up taking her both ways as the person taking her is no longer able and it really annoys me and I don't know why. Yes, she only lives 10 minutes from me and yes I'm going anyway but it means I can't go shopping on the way there or back or go round to a friends for a coffee at either end of the afternoon. If I say I can't do it one week I get the Daily Mail sad face because it means she can't go and makes me feel guilty. It shouldn't but it really winds me up. I get it.

I wouldn't mind 5 minutes away. You could give a lift to your house, and she walk the rest, if it bothered you. I'd only be annoyed, if it was more than 20 minutes out of my way.

Yanbu x

Maybe say you don't want to drive the extra anymore but she can walk from your place? I think this is a bit of a tough one compared to some of the CF lift threads because you say you like her and its only 5 mins out your way. I would expect a friend to have no issue with spending a bit of extra time in a car with another friend and maybe even see it as an extension to the socialising that's already been occurring. She might be mortified to know you think she is taking the piss.

my mum has mobility issues and could not do activities without lifts. She also does r drive.
She is very grateful and lays petrol money.
I would hate to think people felt this way about her.

I would say "I can't drive you home tonight as I'm meeting a friend" - just make something up and then stop doing it. It's annoying that she expects it.

Your DH has recently taken up a hobby/pastime/social activity that begins at x time. You need to race home and take over the child wrangling, as you’re tag teaming.

100% this. Either weekly shop or you need to pick up a child or DP.