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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

412 replies

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 18:52

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

OP posts:
thewinterwitch · 12/02/2023 21:37

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 21:30

To answer some questions no she’s never offered me petrol money, but to be honest that’s not the problem really it’s the expectation that I’ll always do it. Last week she even followed me out to the car park and to my car. Sometimes I’d like to be able to pop to the shops or get petrol on the way home.

Once these things are started and then get a life of their own it can be incredibly difficult to shake them off. If you can't find it in yourself to tell her flat out you don't want to (be expected to) do this anymore and she'll need to find her own way home from now on, you could try saying you have to go elsewhere after the actvity and will be not going her way for the next couple of weeks/month, and hope to god she finds a new way home/sucker in that time. If not, speak up.

Summerfun54321 · 12/02/2023 21:40

When the hobby finishes, get up and run to your car, slam the door and drive off. Then keep doing that every week. Everyone will think you're crazy but it's a small price to pay!

Alexandernevermind · 12/02/2023 21:42

Just to clarify, is it a 5 minute round trip, or is she 5 minutes away meaning it takes an extra 10 minutes?
I couldn't image not giving a lift at least as far as my home, and I certainly wouldn't expect to be offered petrol money, unless the person was particularly repugnant. Any further depends on how safe it is for them to walk back at night, but I suppose that's not your problem.
I do believe in khama, and that if you help people out it comes back to you.

SgtCawood · 12/02/2023 21:43

Looking forward to the planet burning but everyone still insisting on travelling solo in their own car at all times

BearLeft · 12/02/2023 21:45

if she can’t find it within herself to just say she doesn’t want to give someone a lift then it’s her problem, frankly. No, she isn’t an Uber. But she’s uber pass/aggress. Poor passenger is probably desperate to go home under her own steam!

Togoodtobeforgotten · 12/02/2023 21:48

BearLeft · 12/02/2023 21:45

if she can’t find it within herself to just say she doesn’t want to give someone a lift then it’s her problem, frankly. No, she isn’t an Uber. But she’s uber pass/aggress. Poor passenger is probably desperate to go home under her own steam!

If that's so then she can get a bus or train.

FiddleLeaf · 12/02/2023 21:49

SgtCawood · 12/02/2023 21:43

Looking forward to the planet burning but everyone still insisting on travelling solo in their own car at all times

She could cycle home herself 🙂

BloggersBlog · 12/02/2023 21:50

Summerfun54321 · 12/02/2023 21:40

When the hobby finishes, get up and run to your car, slam the door and drive off. Then keep doing that every week. Everyone will think you're crazy but it's a small price to pay!

Behaving like that a loon really ISNT a small price to pay...

MimiLou1 · 12/02/2023 21:52

It's a typical example of a non drivers sense of entitlement to lifts.

Candleabra · 12/02/2023 21:54

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 21:30

To answer some questions no she’s never offered me petrol money, but to be honest that’s not the problem really it’s the expectation that I’ll always do it. Last week she even followed me out to the car park and to my car. Sometimes I’d like to be able to pop to the shops or get petrol on the way home.

If you feel you have to give her a lift then I would still stop for petrol or shopping if you need to. Don’t put yourself out more than you already are.

Newlifestartingatlast · 12/02/2023 21:55

First rule in life do not offer lifts to people who can’t reciprocate if and when needed.

I have just given regular lifts to a lady in my hobby group for a few weeks - a considerable distance, but that was because she had an operation and couldn’t drive for a few weeks. When she offered me petrol money I said not to be daft and that she would return the favour if I needed a lift in future wouldn’t she? I was happy to give lifts on understanding that if I ever needed favour returned she could and would do that. I also wanted to use the lifts as a chance to develop my friendship with her- which we have,

I also share lifts with another lady to another group- we take it in turns and never ever assume the other one , even in that situation, is a given for lifts. We always WhatsApp and check out if we’re up to share and who is driving.

but I’m not going to offer to someone who would need a lift each week and not return that. Especially Not if they had already started to go to a group without robust plans around travel . I don’t know how some people can not feel embarrassed by it continuing like this.

kkr168 · 12/02/2023 21:56

There's nothing stopping you going shopping, just say sorry but I can't give you a lift home tonight as I've got plans.
On the days you don't have plans is it really that much of a big deal? I'd happily go 5 minutes out of my way to help someone out

Summerfun54321 · 12/02/2023 21:58

BloggersBlog · 12/02/2023 21:50

Behaving like that a loon really ISNT a small price to pay...

Show quote history

My suggestion was clearly a joke 😂

Cosycover · 12/02/2023 21:59

Awk it's only 5 minutes.

SwedishEdith · 12/02/2023 22:03

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 21:30

To answer some questions no she’s never offered me petrol money, but to be honest that’s not the problem really it’s the expectation that I’ll always do it. Last week she even followed me out to the car park and to my car. Sometimes I’d like to be able to pop to the shops or get petrol on the way home.

Go to the shops then. Just pull in to the car park and say you need to do some shopping.

Mum97540 · 12/02/2023 22:03

One of the reasons I repeatedly refuse offers of lifts. It's offered, then it's resented. Just say it's not convenient any more. And don't offer again. It's not entitled. It's that she can't read your mind and doesn't know that you've suddenly decided it's now a problem

IncompleteSenten · 12/02/2023 22:07

If you reap what you sow it could equally be argued that expecting a lift, not recognising it's a favour and starting to act like you're entitled to taxi service means you 'reap' the driver getting fucking sick of being taken for granted and expected to be a free Uber.

BearLeft · 12/02/2023 22:09

She probably would welcome that. She’s getting a ride because she feels she has to give up her time to listen to moaning, pass/aggress Myrtle. Possibly.

SchoolTripDrama · 12/02/2023 22:09

@Terrribletwos Are you serious?!? I think we've found another CF!!!

Thighlengthboots · 12/02/2023 22:10

Mum97540 · 12/02/2023 22:03

One of the reasons I repeatedly refuse offers of lifts. It's offered, then it's resented. Just say it's not convenient any more. And don't offer again. It's not entitled. It's that she can't read your mind and doesn't know that you've suddenly decided it's now a problem

You don’t think it’s entitled to never offer petrol money or say thank you? Lol you don’t have to have the ability to read minds to know that it’s polite to offer some money towards fuel. Most people are aware cars don’t run on air. THAT is what is coming across as entitled- the expecting it without any form of thanks or offers to contribute.

JennyDarlingRIP · 12/02/2023 22:13

Tell her you've moved, you don't live in the same direction anymore.

SchoolTripDrama · 12/02/2023 22:15

JennyDarlingRIP · 12/02/2023 22:13

Tell her you've moved, you don't live in the same direction anymore.

THIS!!!!

LikeTearsInRain · 12/02/2023 22:18

Tell her to be an adult and responsible for her own journey home - public transport, taxi or rely on people she is closer to - like her partner or family members.

BettyBoo123456 · 12/02/2023 22:20

I give someone a lift there and back to a hobby (she also doesn’t drive either now due a health condition). It was my own fault for offering, in the first place. She is ok to chat to in the car 8/10 times but sometimes she is a bit much and it drives me mad as now times has gone on more and more often she isn’t ready and keeps me waiting (before she comes out of the house, chatting to people for ages after the hobby and blissfully unaware I am ready to leave and then sometimes she asks me to stop at a pharmacy, at a supermarket or at the post office etc. which can be a pain and takes time). She only lives about two minutes drive away from my house but we take equipment so I pick her up but its a 10 mile drive each way. She never offers petrol but I am going anyway. But she never offers a bottle of wine, bar of choc or a small bunch of supermarket flowers or anything a term (which would be nice as a gesture).

Mum97540 · 12/02/2023 22:21

Thighlengthboots · 12/02/2023 22:10

You don’t think it’s entitled to never offer petrol money or say thank you? Lol you don’t have to have the ability to read minds to know that it’s polite to offer some money towards fuel. Most people are aware cars don’t run on air. THAT is what is coming across as entitled- the expecting it without any form of thanks or offers to contribute.

Show quote history

Op has said it's not about petrol money. I haven't seen anywhere that she didn't say thank you.

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