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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

412 replies

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 18:52

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 12/02/2023 19:15

MakeItADouble2 · 12/02/2023 19:13

I personally believe you reap what you sow. 5 mins is hardly too much out of your way, is it? One day your kindness will be returned in some other way, and not necessarily by this lady. However it needs to be done with kindness.
Why are you getting so upset by this relatively small blip to your journey home?.

"You reap what you sow". I am intrigued. What do you actually mean in this case and in general?

IglesiasPiggl · 12/02/2023 19:16

How late is the class? Could you say "now it's light when we go home, please can you walk to/from mine as that's easier for me!"

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 12/02/2023 19:17

She did this to an other MNer who got fed up so now she’s latching onto you

if she is very grateful, and you like her, I’d continue

if she acts entitled and never does anything back (but a drink/offer petrol money/buy hobby supplies, whatever) just stop

2023gulp · 12/02/2023 19:18

Is she a nice person?

That’s what it would come down to - for me…

Original poster
MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 19:18

@BlondeBombshelf why do you assume I don’t like her? Thats not the case, but I think it is the expectation that is starting to annoy me. I sometimes give a colleague a lift home when their partner has the car, but they always ask first and I know they would reciprocate if I ever needed a lift home.

As for how she gets there. I’ve no idea, but i’m assuming on the bus. I can’t give her a lift there because of work.

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 12/02/2023 19:20

Did she message you and say where are you because I wanted a lift home or did she message and say everything ok, we missed you tonight?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/02/2023 19:22

How have people deduced that the 5 minute drive is only a mile or a 10 minute walk? How slowly do most people drive!? It only takes me 5 minutes to get to work as I get straight onto the 70mph dual carriageway at the top of my road and work is straight off it but it’s still a good 5 mile walk (probably more as you couldn’t walk along the dual carriageway and so would need to follow a less direct walk route). Without knowing the route and how fast the OP is able to drive etc it’s not really possible to say how easy it would be for the other lady to walk.

Paq · 12/02/2023 19:23

YANBU. People who expect lifts are bloody rude. If she was more gracious about it you would probably be nicer about it.

Tell her outright you have to go straight home after your session and you don't have time to drive her.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 12/02/2023 19:26

BlondeBombshelf · 12/02/2023 19:00

You clearly don’t like her so it should be easy enough to say ‘I don’t want to, make your own way there as I drive past in comfort’.

How did you get that from the OP’s post ? Nothing to do with liking or disliking - if she will message the OP asking her where she is, then she’s a CF and needs to make her own arrangements.

BellaJuno · 12/02/2023 19:27

I’d just use a white lie to extricate myself from the expectation - message her prior to the next meeting and say “Just to let you know I won’t be able to drop you home going forward as I’ve now got another commitment afterwards”.

2catsandhappy · 12/02/2023 19:27

"I have to go to the petrol station. You ok to pay your share?"
"Super busy tonight, can't give lift."
"I can drop you off at my house."

Tirednest · 12/02/2023 19:28

NashvilleQueen · 12/02/2023 19:04

Unless you actively dislike her I would be fine with this tbh. It's hardly out of your way and she doesn't drive. I get her messaging you to see where you are is a bit cheeky but this isn't situation I would ever create an issue with.

This.

SummerWhisper · 12/02/2023 19:29

The other option is to do your shopping on the way home etc. so it's more inconvenient for her. I think it's telling that she chased you when you didn't show up and that smacks of entitlement. If she also doesn't offer fuel money or buy you a little token of thanks now and again, then she's a cheeky fucker who doesn't deserve an explanation. Just say "I'm not heading home straight away, sorry", if she asks.

Livelovebehappy · 12/02/2023 19:31

Tbh, unless her company drives you mad on the journey home, it wouldn’t bother me dropping her off. If only five minutes away from yours, it’s not a big inconvenience? But if you’re adamant, honesty is the best policy. Just start saying no, and she will get the message. If you’re not particularly bothered if she stays friendly with you or not, then it’s no hardship just saying it how it is.

JudgyMuch · 12/02/2023 19:33

It's her expectation that's the problem. I had one of these. I just started saying "I'm afraid I won't be able to give you a lift tonight because I'm not going straight home". Which was mostly true, but it also gave me the option of not going straight home, because I can't bear being tied into arrangements.

hekissedmybottom · 12/02/2023 19:37

Why did you offer her a lift in the first place? Just never do that.

I don't drive and I love getting a lift home, never expect it, but once someone does it you feel rude or awkward in that moment while you say goodbye.

Please just don't do it once? It would just be much easier. I've never driven and never expect a lift but once you've had it and then you find yourself walking home late it feels worse. Don't give us false hope. Let us enjoy our poverty in peace.

Anklespraying · 12/02/2023 19:38

Just drive home rather than detouring to hers and say you have a terrific headache and need to lie down in a dark room urgently.

Leave her outside your place.

If she follows you next week just say no, not tonight, I have a headache.

She will realize she's the headache.

IrritableCowSyndrome · 12/02/2023 19:39

I don't think the distance or direction is the issue here. It's just that she's cheeky and has come to expect it!

If she looks for you when you leave your activity just say "I can't give you a lift tonight" Don't give a reason because you'll get caught out on that. Do it each week until she gets the hint!

Spanielsarepainless · 12/02/2023 19:40

Why can't she walk to your house and back to hers? It would save you twenty minutes driving.

Nsky62 · 12/02/2023 19:40

Is it an unreasonable time to get the bus home

IrritableCowSyndrome · 12/02/2023 19:40

... or message her in advance!

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/02/2023 19:42

'Sorry I'm heading to a friends tonight so won't be able to offer you a lift.'

amonsteronthehill · 12/02/2023 19:42

"Surely you've seen the price of fuel? You're not on my route."

doodleygirl · 12/02/2023 19:43

I just don’t get this, why would you not carry on giving her a lift if you can, it’s just kindness.

GreyTS · 12/02/2023 19:44

BlondeBombshelf · 12/02/2023 19:00

You clearly don’t like her so it should be easy enough to say ‘I don’t want to, make your own way there as I drive past in comfort’.

Lol 😂 passive aggressive comment of the day!